Speaking My Truth :

Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible? That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it.

Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again. This time from a different view point.

You, I… it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame… perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified.

Changes in perception, brought about this revelation… I am no better than you or anyone.

I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears…. For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right.

Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved.

What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally. I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves.

Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up.

I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us… especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”. Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom.

Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity. I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together.

No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything. Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow.

I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself.

I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned. My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will.

Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified!

It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way… in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,

Tami Siegfried

11/14/16