I wanted to read so I grabbed a book I haven’t devoured yet. I lay in bed messy hair tear streaked makeup face and my cute pink angel nightdress and I open the book… For the first time since the dreaded fucking talk that I made happen, to end the almost perfect fairytale relationship I was in with someone who is amazing almost perfect, my mind was still and quiet which meant I could reflect.

That is the exact moment I realized I couldn’t breath, because my heart chakra was throbbing so deeply. So I put the book down and I walked into the bathroom because a shamans bath would be great right now…. you have got to be kidding me I am out of salt.

I meditate and ask for a sign, the signs point to good things coming. I’ll take it a victory is a victory especially when you have crystals holding your heart together. I glance over and she is folding laundry, I don’t think she is sure how to act. she is not talkative and a bit distant however she is also always respectful. It dawns on me that now we’re in this awkward ass limbo where she is kind of acting like this whole day didn’t even happen.

Is she really gonna pretend that we didn’t just break up?! So ok she takes to dog out and calls to tell me something it’s the first time the conversation doesn’t end with I love you and it sucks. Not for any other reason then I do love her she is great, I just love me more and I owe it to myself to honor myself.

She comes back with the dog and a nutrageous because it’s my kryptonite and after this shit I’m in comfort mode, abs well she knows me.

I make her favorite meal like I’m on auto pilot I wanted her to be comforted too.

We eat together as a family, the kids joke back and forth with each other we laugh. This shit sucks and was way easier in other relationships… you know the angry, toxic, painful, unhealed relationships.. it was hard yes but easy to end you got to a point and it’s was like fuck this, fuck you, fuck it.. I’m done.

This isn’t like that at all which is what makes it fucking harder.. this is a it’s great you’re amazing, but i have a mission and there are things I continue to speak on that don’t shift and it hurts my soul… This is….I can’t be complacent, stuck or stagnant, I have a divine mission. This is….vibe up, grow and evolve with me or I need to release you.

This sucks…..