I trust with all I am
I say I love you endlessly
I get sad, I get angry.
I am literally a hurricane of feelings
A force of the nature of emotions.
I am real
I gave all I was
I went above and beyond to do all I could.
It was easier to give all of myself away and please everyone else at least it felt like I was wanted.
I lost pieces of myself to the endless possibilities, second guessing and riddles that you would call my mind.
I call it my prison, where I hear I’m not worthy of love as my heart reminds me that I am.
I felt I was a failure, I feared I would never be enough.
I was convinced I was nothing more than a piece of garbage that could be used for whatever men pleased from a very young age.
Lord knows many men have reinforced this belief throughout my life. I become insecure when I catch myself being open and vulnerable and it terrifies me.
I was the one who would push you away when I got hurt because you leaving was inevitable.
I rather have the badge that says I left you and you didn’t leave me because it’s so much easier.
The mind fucks left me with a belief that I was not worthy of love, attention and affection not consistently.

The hardest pill to swallow was that these fears aren’t only reserved for a lover.
No they are for everyone I love, so it really is a battlefield in my head at all times, the slightest deviation in your breath and I panic is today the day that I will bother you too much and your realize it’s time to throw me away because I’m not worth it, like so many before?

Most people look back and have happy memories but not me I think back to as young as I can remember and ask why so much pain?

I was trapped in cycles, so I embraced the role of martyr with open arms.
These lessons in life, didn’t kill me not completely. Although so many set out to destroy me they didn’t succeed, they broke me yes…. I’ll give them all that.

I survived because there was one thing they didn’t count on while they counted me out.

I am a survivor and I took everything that was ever done to me that broke me. I analyzed it.. picking it apart piece by piece as if my life was an outdated rule book that needed to be destroyed.
a play book to never be replicated only learned from and improved upon.
One by one I crossed out the vile hateful things that were done to me and those before me.

The deeper I looked the stories became clearer all of this torment was an unnecessary creature.

I knew that I could never be the things you did to me and I stopped letting acts of hate define me. I broke into pieces of me and I began to heal as I rebuilt from bottom up.
With a new found lease on life and the love of my children.

I strived to live a life kindness because now there was hope for a brighter tomorrow.
With them in my life I wanted the world to change for their heart’s to sing freely, I taught them to feed the homeless, help those in need, I taught them never to judge.

Because of them I was a better woman.
I started living in a world where random acts of kindness took priority over fearing random acts of violence.

I witness kindness and true joy as they sing and dance learn to smile and trust, raise my children to know that they are forever worthy and so incredibly loved and always protected, never allow that hateful vile things that went on in my life to ever come anywhere near there precious existence. I am not a victim I am a survivor I was born to make things better and that is who I am.