So the escape room 2 and blue bayou it was! The escape room was enjoyable, predictable, and pretty well written. It served the purpose, then we put on Blue bayou and I’m beside myself.

Please watch Blue Bayou…

I had no idea this was happening and now I can’t find a way to make it make sense. I can’t wrap my head around it. So perhaps I’m getting it wrong but from what I take from the movie is this.

You as a white American in the ’80s could go to another country with the right amount of money adopt a baby, take them away from their homeland and culture, bring them to the US.

They as adults, if you didn’t file to proper paperwork, are not considered citizens and they can be deported back to their home country by ICE.

So because the proper laws weren’t in place to ensure the adults involved secured the safety of the children they had purchased when we started trafficking humans. There is more pain and suffering inflicted.

These now adult children have families and children of their own. With little to no knowledge or understanding of their home country let alone of the culture or language, are forced to leave all the love and know again through no fault of their own.

To start over with nothing, no support, scared, lost, confused.

What is wrong with this world???

Bought, sold, returned.

It’s a problem when we treat humans as objects.

America this is pitiful.

Make it make sense!

I believe what you’re dealing with is the result of a lifetime of child abuse that left your mother emotionally and mentally held back. She learned how to parent you from her parents much like you learned how to parent by how you were raised.

If it is toxic to you and your family and you don’t want to give up on her, I understand absolutely. Now what you can do is talk to her set strong boundaries and stop giving her control.

Think about it is she is controlling you, are you afraid to speak to her because it will anger her and she will retaliate? Sometimes people don’t know how their actions affect others until they are made aware, so tell her! If you’re going to let her in your then you are going to have to take back control and parent her.

If she isn’t wanting to change or admit a problem she is grown and not your responsibility especially if she is still causing you harm. You’re a far better parent than you had I know this because you’re here questioning and trying to understand.

Don’t let your children watch you being manipulated and controlled, show them that no one is allowed to treat them this way, not even family.

Allow me to clear up any misunderstandings your jumping to assumptions may cause. The things I am speaking of are past events that I have healed. I now discuss these things to shed light on them so that others know it can be done and they aren’t alone.

I am honestly very happy and at peace in my life. I am honestly absolutely in love with my life. I have all My heart desires, love, peace, joy. Yes, I still struggle with depression and PTSD as we all do but I am unmedicated.

I got off of every single medication these were all doctor prescribed and began when I was 14 it stopped at 40. These medications were major and Included high doses of narcotics and sedatives. I got off of it all without switching to any alternative medications. I did it with CBD alone. I’m not judging nor recommending anything you’re an adult do your research and make your own choices and take responsibility for them. All I am doing is saying what worked for me.

As I went deeper into my healing and uncovered all that had happened, I went deeper into myself. During the first year without the pills after two decades on them. I meditated heavily multiple times a day and CBD gummy’s would help when the PTSD & anxiety would kick in.

I had to unlearn everything I had been taught and come to face the fact that I had become my mother. No, I didn’t do it as she did but shit I still had some toxic patterns I picked up. I also had to have faith in myself because when it came to love I was unlucky! It was time to focus on my children, and I had just turned 40.

As well as walked away from a toxic love because I realized while we were toxic together I didn’t like who I was when I was in that relationship and I didn’t like the person I had become. I refused to keep being a person that hurts people she loves and called it love. To me, it no longer made sense that didn’t love it was a gross game and I wanted out.

I was feeling myself! My kids and I were bonding in a better way and trying to figure out how to do things in a better way. I had lost some weight. My confidence was up, My boundaries high, going back to school. Life was still scary and stressful but it was better. It was lonely at night times so I was starting to date! My children were mid and late teens. The business was doing well. Life was calm, for me that was enough.

Yet it wasn’t. I thought I knew what to look for my mom said go for money because when you’re starving love doesn’t feed you. I could never get with that mindset because money only feeds you food. I can grow my own. I think what happened women were taught as long as they had a provider at home they were lucky.

That didn’t sound lucky it sounded like you were property. It sounded like because they take care of you they can do whatever they want to you no matter how it hurts. That’s what my life had taught me. The funny thing is I never even wanted to get married. I was woken up and given two choices, get married or get out. I was young naive and I thought I had to so I did.

So my foundation in romantic love was terrible, to say the least as to what I was conditioned to tolerate and endure and each relationship that followed carried the same pattern. Until I was done and gave up on love was I able to test boundaries and truly understand what I was looking for in a person and that I didn’t have to settle for the first person to show me attention.

I was taking care of myself this was my new beginning so when she asked to hang out that next night I had no idea that she was my storm to clear the pain away. She was my guy, she was the one I talked shit to at the end of a bad date, she was also my friend and we were so brutally honest and blunt with each other. Yes, she was sexy but I wasn’t interested like that at least I don’t think we were aware. When the back of our hands touched that night passion was ignored and life was on a hyper-speed course to somewhere.

We will leave it here, for now, it’s a long story. I solemnly swear my life is loving peaceful and good. I won’t allow anything less so when it is presented to me I have no choice other than to bring it to light and stop it from happening again.

Disowned.

I cannot honestly tell you how many times I have been disowned. Trust me it’s been plentiful. I cannot tell you how many countless times I’ve heard I was unwanted. Literally “I should have had an abortion with you as your father wanted me to.“ I remember hearing the first time when I was 3. Deemed the problem child and too much of a lost cause, yes that was done as well.

It’s no wonder why I can sit here and understand it all so well.

I love the word literally because it means as it is written or spoken. Verbatim. This is why I love words. Words have meanings, sometimes multiple meanings if you’re willing to look deeper. Regardless words hold power in their true meaning. So to live in a society where no one knows what the hell they’re saying is beyond frustrating. Worse yet is someone who mistakes how the word makes them feel for its meaning. The two are not the same. Then it brings up common sense and what the hell happened to it? Seriously things that were once common are now missing and we as a society are feeling it. We have lost touch with the heart of the matters as we traded love for a love of beauty. Yet we never asked in whose standards, they simply fed it to us and we greedily ate it up. Allowing it to destroy our men and women and children. Filling them with this false vision of unattainable perfection. Destroying our cultures, our self-value, self-worth, common decency and so much more. While they profited off selling a cure for all broken pieces they told us we had. It was never enough greed took over and family’s turned on each other tried to play one another against each other. Some sick popularity contest. All the while relieving their frustrations on the vulnerable ones who didn’t have a voice to speak out. Until now.

Now this is only in my experience and in almost everyone I’ve know personally.
Here’s my thoughts.
When in doubt choose love.

I try and will never stop trying to fix my parenting mistakes. Truth is we do the best we can and you will still hurt the ones you only wanted to love and protect. You will still cause pain, trauma and anger.
Parenting is the hardest job ever, especially if you were a hurt child yourself. If we could be open with ourselves, take accountability, be honest and understanding it wouldn’t have to be so hard. The point is if it didn’t end with you or you didn’t realize it was wrong, now you you do.
Your children’s safe place is supposed to be you and home!
How can that be if you’re the bully and tormentor?
Same for those you share your home and life with how do they treat your children?
You’re now seeing the effects of emotional and mental trauma and abuse in our generation it undeniable.
We won’t be silenced, we are speaking on it!
I believe we can reverse the damage we’ve done, the thing is we can only reverse the damage we’ve done yet we cannot control what the damage has done to the mind and how they now perceive and remember the truth.
So it truly is an unlearning and clearing of the old ways and learning to think as an adult, no longer a traumatized child stuck in victim mode.
Learning to turn to fact, instead of how it made you feel will help.
Those who battle with mental health issues and depression do you find your childhood was stable or abusive?

So this week has been quite interesting.

My home is attached to another home which my amazing landlord uses as an Air B&B. This week the Air B&B was filled with approx 13-15 (6 was the agreed number max upon rental) young unruly drunk 20 year olds. It was beyond loud, parties, cursing, banging, screaming, yelling. Mildly put it was borderline hell.

No sleep, still have to work. No rest or peace, still have to take care of our responsibilities. Although through the increase in extremely rude and ignorant behaviors, being called a bitch, intentional screaming, banging and yelling that went well into 2 am.

I was forced to cancel an event at my home and lost all of what I had invested in this event and the opportunity to break even. It was a financial loss I wasn’t ready to assume.

So I was naturally frustrated. My landlord again is wonderful, very attentive and trying to help in any way possible. Apologetic and understanding. I don’t blame him one bit. These are those moments in life that help us to grow. Give me a bit because I’m still processing the silver lining is only slightly peaking out.

So I sat after a quick conversation with my landlord. I picked up pen and paper and asked myself these questions, the responses are my actual responses to this situation.

11/7/21

What do I feel?

Frustrated.

What does that mean? Frustration, high anxiety, aggravation, irritation, stomach ache, bothered, angry.

Why?

Inconsiderate, rude, ignorant, thoughtless, selfish actions by people who only care for themselves. Who have no consideration of how their actions affect others.

Why does it bother me?

Simply because I would not do that to another so why should I be forced or expected to endure it. Especially in my home.

What can be done to remedy this?

Don’t sit there just taking the mistreatment, speak up and do something to stop it. If all else fails remove myself from the situation.

How do I remedy this?

Call the one who is responsible to handle it. Which I did and they are now being removed.

Why is this so important?

People will continue to do what they want. People will continue to treat you as you allow yourself to be treated, for as long as you allow it!

Simply put- Stop tolerating the disrespect of other’s! Hold people as accountable as you hold yourself!

How am I feeling?

Bothered, I am still bothered.

Why I am I still bothered?

The damage has been done.

How can that be fixed?

I’m unsure. I can only speak on myself and my heart, I didn’t put myself in this position and yet I’m the one who ultimately had to suffer. Yet who is to blame when the proper procedures were taken?

What can I do for me to feel better?

I’m writing and then going for a nice long epsom and sea salt bath to relax and unwind.

Do you feel better?

Yes and No.. if I’m being honest.

Why?

Because this loss shouldn’t have happened. I’m now the one who looks flaky, because of the event cancellation and I’m still not going to be able to recoup my losses. It isn’t right.

What can be done to make it right?

I don’t know it just feels unresolved. Lets chalk it up to another example of life, and how I can maneuver through the constant changes. Although no matter how I look at it I can’t make it make sense.

So now what?

I guess I will give it up to God, angels, source or whatever name you need to say. Have faith and trust something is being worked out to make it right!

The silver lining is slowly coming into focus so allow me to also say this. I am grateful that I found a landlord that has pride in his property and does what is expected and what he should. Especially when I know others suffer with landlords who don’t maintain the property and are subjected to far worse.

I am blessed. Still bothered but I sense the bath will help alleviate it!

So now that I gave you my step by step way to help you work out how you feel. I would love to hear from you and if it helps!

Stay strong and always stay safe! Love the life you live, live the life you love! Love doesn’t hurt! If it does seek assistance.

Parents and kids the same listen up.

Yup I failed that one like most everyone else.
No blame no excuses just facts.

I was a young mom. I was a child myself with so much pain and trauma unhealed that I didn’t even know existed.

Well truth is most of us were experiencing similar yet different experiences and we all are a bit messed up!

Yup news flash no one is perfect we all make mistakes!
We all cause harm at some point regardless of how we felt, or how good the intentions were it happened.
So why blame? It was done to us all.

I mean sure if you’ve never hurt anyone else ever then you’re exempt.
Blame does nothing. Speak only truth! Set boundaries communicate and make changes!

Understand love doesn’t seek to control or cause separation. Love doesn’t hurt. Only control and toxicity do.

Laugh, Live, Enjoy life! It is short, heal what you can and just simply try to understand everyone is living a life you know nothing about. And that is okay!

The one thing I didn’t do is walk away.

That also means setting boundaries and taking responsibility for who you’ve become regardless of your age or reason.
Everyone did the best they could.
Those who trying to be better are the keepers so why not learn to forgive.