There are specific days in my life that stay with me always. They are the days I look on and wish I had known then what I now know. These days are the days I trusted in others to tell me what made sense and I was striving to do better, be better and give my children a better chance at a bright future. This day in particular became the pinnacle of my destruction.
Kristy I thought was different everyone liked her, she was fun and outgoing. Kristy seemed responsible she had a good job, her family was in her life and she was pursuing me. I had just left an abusive relationship with a control freak who was a manipulative cheater and an emotional abuser so Kristy stepped in like a breath of fresh air.
I was so blinded.
I had friends or so I had thought, it turns out this would be a most valuable lesson. People don’t do what’s right they typically don’t care what’s right they do what is socially acceptable.
Allow me to explain. I was living a decent life abuse had been something I had always known. Even with my diagnosis’s I was fighting for my life, it was suddenly falling into place. I had just been awarded my social security disability and I had a nice rental home for me and the kids, I was surrounded by what I believed we’re friends and family that cared for us.
Yet no one, not one of the people who called my children their niece and nephew thought to warn me. Kristy was a convicted felon multiple times over and a active alcoholic and crack smoker/drug user. I was naive to say the very least and alcoholics were not new to me so I saw it as normal and she hid the drug use.
As the relationship progressed I ignored the red flags, my daughter hated her I thought it was preteen angst. I was selfish and wanted peace, happiness and stability for my children and myself. Kristy was right there promising the sun, moon and stars. Little did I know how she and her family would spend our entire relationship tearing us down, emotionally and mentally abusing us, while stealing everything I had and mentally destroying me.
The worst part is it was all avoidable, at any point anyone of my best friends who claimed to love us and who knew her and her family personally could have said Tami she isn’t good for you. Yet not one did and I understand oh it’s no ones place however innocent children were there so yes as humans it was absolutely the time and place to speak up.
Silence prevailed.
So when Kristy suggested we move into her parents home to save money to buy a house and start our lives, I felt it was an absolute blessing! It was perfect her parents had a 3 bedroom apartment in the basement of their home and we wouldn’t be charged rent. I gave up my rental and we moved. This is where I went wrong.
Once I left my freedom, giving up my independence and trusting the words she was saying. I was sitting on 15,000 cash from back pay with social security and I was on over 18 different medications for my mental health. I was doing the best I could to recover from my past and how it was supposed to be my time to finally give my kids the life they deserved. We moved into Kristys parents house.
Life went dark almost immediately and Kristy became a completely different person we took control of all of the money and food became scarce she was working all the time so I didn’t understand.
She was drinking more and more and becoming cruel and angry all of the time. She took control of my child support and social security and convinced me that we didn’t need my car because I drove hers and she had the work truck so I listened to her and sold my vehicle. She instantly took the money.
I was stuck and didn’t have the proper help to leave it was a bad situation to a bad situation, I had no safe place to run. Life was unhealthy for me. I’m writing this and it is hard but has to be written. Ladies and men please find the knowledge and wisdom within this.
Love doesn’t hurt. Love is never manipulating. Love is not controlling. When it is love it heals and helps. Love never destroys, love is not toxic. Any one who secludes you from family or friends seeks to control you by controlling who influences you. They wish to keep you only listening to them so that you stay ignorant to what they’re doing. please don’t let yourself become a victim.
Looking back now I see the pattern and all of us face it, one way or another the point is we no longer have to. If we can identify these behaviors we can prevent destruction. If we warn each other we can help to heal this world instead of watching idly by as good people become victims to the evil ways of narcissistic people.
Honestly it’s a tale as old as time and goes even deeper.
Emotionally and for our wellbeing we need others and that’s a simple fact, yet this world has told us it is weak and codependent to need others yet life alone cannot be sustained one would absolutely go insane without love and interaction look at castaway with Wilson.
Yes while we feel like we would be better alone we’re not wrong either not exactly anyway but nonetheless we’re still wrong we’re buying into the division they try to create it became every man out for themselves and that’s where destruction ruled over and won.
Now it’s high time we realize that we realize all that division did was cause heartbreak anger pain and regret it caused struggles and financial worries that didn’t need to be, children were placed in vulnerable and dangerous situations because the familial support was removed.
Now we struggle and destroy each other and all we really want to do is pull each other close and make it better together and put the pain of the past behind us finding a better way forward together.
If ego and pride could be set aside and people would feel comfortable being vulnerable and openly taking to one another without fear of judgement.
Then we can begin to listen to our hearts and find we’ve been waging wars against ourselves and we don’t have to anymore it’s time for a new way forward into our future together for all!
Love doesn’t hurt control does!
loy·al
adjective 1 giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.”loyal service” This is the problem there is no allegiance or loyalty to others we started idolizing material and Wealth we lost sight of what matters the most!
Loyalty to each other family and love,loyalty to the truth and loyalty to what is right is what is lacking in this country.
We made things more important than people.
Everyone set their sights on what they wanted materially and sacrificed those who care for them to get it.
Now everyone has to learn that this is where they have lacked in humanity and in love and what’s right. This is what I meant when I said keeping your heart pure, while yea I want more I’m not about to destroy a innocent someone to get it.
I’m grateful for what I have throughout the struggles and I know better days will come. I strive to help others who are suffering because I know the pain as well, I also know together we can change it for everyone.
A new way forward exists when you’re ready I’m here.
The point of this spiritual journey is to bring us back to whole.
During the hard times as we experience heartbreaking goodbyes and traumas resurface we are taught how to learn how to love and honor ourselves fully so we can awaken to our truth and full potential.
When we release fear in all aspects and step into our authentic being shedding the judgement of others. We release the beliefs put on us about who we were expected to be, finally being seen and appreciated for who we truly are.
It’s hard at times without a doubt but it is the most beautiful love you will ever experience once you begin living what you’re speaking. The work isn’t easy and yes there are times when you feel like you can’t take anymore.
Please keep going don’t give up, I promise all the pain wasn’t for nothing. Your truth will be revealed ignorance is dying as we educate others.
Don’t fear the unknown embrace the changes and live your life for you! You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt and that’s the end of the rainbow everything else suddenly falls into place!
I speak from absolute experience I have no reason to lie to you. ~Tami Irizarry Love doesn’t hurt. Toxicity does. Evolve.
I took this picture yesterday proof is all around if you choose to see! 🙌🏽🤍♾🕊🗣
I am blessed of that I am certain, regardless of what is placed in my path I know without a doubt it is there to help me learn and grow.
I navigate throughout it easily once I accept I am in control of how I allow it to affect me. I learn to watch for signals and cues, I trust in what God and the universe lead me through.
My heart brings the peace and it instinctively can decipher lie from truth, I respect myself first it’s my life and to my own self I must be true.
If I stand up for what’s right for all, I’m following what is right and true, what good is right if it’s only good for you and not me too? That doesn’t make sense and it’s certainly not fair or just if right is right only for some of us.
It’s time for childish games fueled by ego and privilege to stop. If destroying innocent people to make your way to the top is all you have. Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate yourself and take a good look inside that’s not the type of character I would hold with pride.
It’s time to be better than what we’ve been taught, it’s time to step in another’s shoes and imagine the road which they’ve walked. If we can understand that the same beginnings were not handed to all, then we can begin to understand what created the division and the fall.
Humanity is lacking to say the very least, we have veterans who fought for this country now homeless on the streets. We have children missing, wars still waging, we have children killing themselves and society has lost its patience.
Addicts are disregarded as a hassle and walked away from, however this could be anyone’s daughter or son. An addict doesn’t choose to be an addict simply because one does. It happens when the pain of life has become far too much, so they seek a release from the pain of it all, so lost and confused they seek a little peace. I speak freely of addicts because that addict used to be me.
I was a child who endured abuse then as a troubled teen, I was prescribed so much medication I no longer understood what to do. So I was partying to escape it all and that’s the absolute truth. It felt like air it was exciting I had become so numb I needed pain to get me through.
No one understood truly what becomes of the child who is abused, instead they blame and shame the troubled youth. Take some accountability parents I know I had too, we are the ones responsible for our children that includes their emotional, spiritual and mental health too.
When you talk cruelly to your children they take your word as truth, it’s simple you are mother they trust completely in you.
Blame, shame, pride and defensiveness needs to stop, your kids have the right to tell you how they are feeling without you getting angry , how can we hope for a better way when we meet them with hostility.
Too many adults are going through the same, written off by families who have long forgotten their names, yet they sit and think of how they’re alone with all the blame and pain, abandoned, alone and scared.
They’re not quite here or there, they’ve been trapped in a place of the past when the pain was so bad they broke apart. While they’re trying to maneuver this world with a broken mind, spirit, heart and minimal or no support.
Only met with hate they wonder why they even try, the fight to stay hopeful, yet the world continues to turn a blind eye. Everyone is so focused on money and looking better then the other guy, they sacrifice heart and tell lies.
This reality has become so sad it’s no wonder why we awakened. This was the final straw it took to break it, we’re no longer ignorant or asleep. We know what has happened and we are not sheep. We’re the lions and we’re no longer asleep.
We are the ones we have always waited for, we endured all the pain and trauma we know what we’re fighting for. Change for all! Right is right for everyone or no one at all. It’s time to do better together this is our world, our lives, let’s make it right for all.
Let’s uplift one another and help each other learn and grow, it’s simple and true there’s a lot of good people just begging to learn and grow.
Stop judging things you don’t understand open your heart, reach out your hand it’s time for us all to remember in love is the only way to fix this mess.
Hate and anger bring hate and anger, love and understanding bring love and understanding, it isn’t hard.
Make it make sense! If you wouldn’t like it don’t do it. Be the voice of the voiceless or keep accepting senseless hate destruction and violence.
It’s not what I want for my children or grandchildren, I can’t imagine you would, we are strong warriors that’s why they call it motherhood.
As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul will keep, if I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
If I shall wake another day I pray the Lord shows man the way, to clarity and understanding that right is only right, when it is right for all. Or it isn’t right for all.
Each interaction I lose more hope, the cruelty and lack of understanding, humanity is losing hope and I can’t take anymore pain. Why do I fight for change when it remains the same and I’m always the one to blame?
I do it because I deserved better than what happened to me, we all did and we can’t change the past. What we can do is change ourselves and stop it from happening in the future. We didn’t realize the damage that was happening in time and our children had to endure the pain as well.
Our grandchildren deserve better and change comes when we start openly honestly communicating with each other and holding the appropriate people responsible and accountable for their actions.
We can stop blaming the victims and stop protecting the villains as we claim ignorance, it continues to happen because many play deaf dumb or blind.
They Can’t comprehend how someone can lose it all, they’ve never had to struggle, they’ve never had to truly fall. For them I’m glad they had the right support in life. Some of us aren’t so fortunate after all.
Instead of trying to understand, or even wonder how it would feel if it were them. They make hate filled judgments and laugh at the pain.
If this is what it’s all for please don’t wake me anymore, I’m tired. I want to rest now.
Now if you want to open hearts and restore faith please send me forth for all days!
I’m sick to my stomach, stress and anxiety are absolutely heightened my PTSD is triggered and I’m again finding that all of this was caused by the immature and wrong actions of another.
Yet here I am left dealing with the consequences of those inactions or actions, depending on how you want to look at it. Now what I want to know is when does it stop?
When do we begin holding adults accountable for their narcissistic temper tantrums? When do we say enough is enough to toxicity and take a stand against it once and for all?
I know I’m standing up to answer the call, not just because it affects me alone, but when you think of it this blatant disregard for humanity affects us all.
Let’s take it back to my landlord let’s call him Mr. My father is a real estate attorney, aka Mr. Privilege. I rent an illegal home attached to air bnb, the part about it being illegal was unknown to me. Until today when I was forced to look up building codes, that’s another story for another day.
Right here right now I’ve got too much to say, I can’t stop now or I’ll let this train get away. So back to where I am currently. I pay $1595 to live where I do, it’s absolutely beautiful and exactly what I needed at the perfect time too.
What I also didn’t know is that my landlord Mr.Privilege wasn’t as nice of a guy as I thought. Again my desire to see the good in others still has the ability to blind me against the reality of who they are proving to be. Note taken!! So when the latest air bnb’s guest brought their dogs, I was absolutely startled they arrived after we were in bed and the dogs were going nuts.
I didn’t blame them it’s a scary to be in a new place, I know it can be rough. So in the morning when the owners left I wasn’t really shocked that the dogs were barking non stop. After two and a half hours of non stop barking, I was really getting concerned and my nerves were beginning to wear thin. I messaged my landlord and here is where this drama begins.
The first text and his response was absolutely fine!he even apologized, the air bnb people came back and took care of the dogs all was fine. My landlord even checked to make sure the dogs had calmed down, what a great guy!
Crisis adverted but would I be so lucky the next time they went out again? The answer was no and for $1595 a month I didn’t sign up to feel as if I was living in a kennel, it didn’t seem fair but I shrugged my shoulder and went on without a care.
I went out and enjoyed my day, went into nature and spent time with a friend. Came back to my house to make dinner and it started again. The dogs wouldn’t stop barking with every sound I would make once their parents left them they must have been scared in a new place. I reached out again for help after another 2 & 1/2 hours.
This time I wasn’t met with kindness, instead I was treated as an inconvenience bullied slandered attacked threatened and now I’m being evicted. I wish there was some amazing tale to tell you but in all honesty that’s the long and short of it. This time at least I noticed and stood up for myself this time right away.
So this is what Mr. Privilege had to say.. I’m not doing this all summer with the air bnb guests you have 60 days to get out. You’re in violation of your lease. He also tried to throw some false accusations my way. The problem is this when you lie manipulate and bully someone it’s just not a good look.
Oh let me tell you about last Sunday, this one was really for the books! In my lease I have a back lot, it’s my parking and yard area I pay for it. So Mr. Privilege comes to assert toxic male dominance and brings a male counterpart each with a big truck to further intimidate me. He tells me to move my car, my personal vehicle from my parking area so he can park his trailer there right now or he is towing my car.
Literally no joke.
I have already at this point explained that I will be spoken to as an equal and to please keep it professional and business like, I’m not your friend, child, mother or wife. I am your tenant and we have a legally binding contract to be withheld on both sides. All I am asking for is basic human decency and consideration.
I know I am more then considerate when he asks me to throw away the air bnbs trash as recycling every week. As well as all the nights I can’t even sleep in my own home because of endless parties until after 2 am.
Guess what.. Nope I am not the one hosting them, but anywhere you sit in my home you wouldn’t know the difference. It’s so loud I think there’s something that helps with noise is it proper installation?
Regardless, here I am now and allow me to explain the layout of my house as I sat at home today, then we can get to why I’m truly feeling this way. We shall begin with a picture!
See those steps? That’s my front door, the cars aren’t mine they are from the air bnb.
So I have exactly one exit, you enter it’s my kitchen you go upstairs and I am above the air bnb. No escape, no back door, no front escape I’m literally surrounded. However this is the funny thing I wouldn’t have cared. It was their mother’s 80th birthday! I didn’t say a word.
So let’s rewind to 5:22 am this Sunday morning , I receive an email from Mr.Privilege about a review the previous air bnb rental made. I will enclose all info because I need your input guys. What would you do? If this were you and you lived here? I can’t afford to move and I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Yet to me it seems clear.
Email from Mr.Privilege The air bnb review but look below there’s proof! Again that’s my front door no other entrance or exit point. However the air bnb renters are given a back yard with gazebo and ping pong table, grill etc and an entire front yard. This isn’t it this is a common driveway shared my multiple units there’s isn’t included they also have separate parking up front.
This was my reply to my landlord.
As per your request I am only to email you after you told me you were falsely evicting me in 60 days because you weren’t going to do this all summer with the air bnb guests. Then you persist to email me this telling me about complaints again completely unheard of and you’ve never before mentioned it. Now what you have done and I can’t comprehend how an adult business man can literally be fueled by emotion and not logic. Which was what I asked for when dealing with. Speak to me as an equal I am not your child.
Regardless I will address your message. That is not at what happened yet moving as per your response I am only to email you. The thing about opinions they are interesting, however they are not facts. I can absolutely provide proof of interactions and witnesses which were outside at the time.
I was outside smoking on my porch mid day I am absolutely well within my rights to be on my porch in my area on phone and ask some to quiet down, it’s one of the minimal spaces I have. It’s a drive way not yard. In the same aspect the same consideration is what I’ve been asking for yet you have a problem with me when I ask for it. However you have no issue accepting my rent. Please make it make sense.
Moving forward let’s readdress this false eviction based on lies on 2/19/2022 you stated We have 60 days were being evicted because I asked you for you help with the dogs at the air bnb the instant you lied and accused me you’re right the dynamic absolutely changed. How would you feel if someone slandered your good name with lies?
Now you come with this.
What?!???!??!??!?Crickets ever since 🦗 🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗
Yet I’m the one in tears all day with my stomach in knots. How is this right for anyone at all? What if it were you?
Thank you for reading it really does help to write it all out and put it into perspective for me. Maybe when things get hard try writing about it, you really do feel better since you’re not forced to silently hold it all in.
Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day!! Happy birthday to the 80 year old granny in the attached house many many more amazing years for you to come! What a beautiful gift to celebrate someone! I hope at that age I’m that blessed. A little understanding saves a lot of unneeded stress! 🤍🕊♾
I woke up at 1 am so many good things are happening, yet I still am unsettled. I can see it all happening and it’s coming in fast. Here I still sit struggling to release the pain of the past.
I truly believe most people don’t understand the meaning or being of love. If they did there is no way, they would do the things they do. It doesn’t take a rocket science to understand if you’re intentionally causing harm to another in order to feel better about yourself that’s not love it’s toxicity, release them from your personal hell. Love doesn’t cause pain, manipulation, control, greed, hate or toxicity only ignorance and immaturity do.
Isn’t it time we all actually tried to do the best we can do, being a good person shouldn’t come hard it’s true. Yes life gets painful for us all, but to allow your heart to be hardened is the biggest detriment of all.
The reason is simple I would never do that to another person. Even if they intentionally hurt me, so I cannot fathom hurting someone you love just to hurt them to feel better about your life. Sometimes even when our feelings are hurt it doesn’t mean you’re automatically right. Stop letting emotions rule you and look at the facts. I know it’s your life but the world is for us all, you don’t get to take control and dictate to us all.
The only thing I pray is when you tally it all up in the end, I hope the pain you handed out belonged to the right recipient. All wrongly checked and claimed bags of pain, will be handed to their rightful owners, before life is complete. Welcome to the age of knowing, we’re no longer asleep.
I won’t handle those who hurt me recklessly, I will be kinder while I hand you back the pain you so quickly threw at me, I will be decent enough to break it down and show you how it’s was your suitcase all along. I will even show you my wisdom I was able to gain from your lesson.
Trust what was done is the darkness is coming out into the light. For far too long I allowed myself to be the blame of it all, I stumbled long enough it was your job to catch me if I should fall. We are entrusted with the well being of our children that is a fact. If you didn’t want me you shouldn’t have had me, guess what I’m here you can’t send me back.
Yet what you did was uncalled for, you took everything away intentionally when I became sick and couldn’t handle it all. You saw it as the final straw, you took full advantage of the situation and put a wedge between us all.
The thing about taking a big fall, once you I regained my strength and got back up, I decided it was time to stand up for all.
I’m sick and tired of the pain and the games, why can’t we see doing the same things repeatedly and expecting a different outcome is a definition of insane.
These things won’t change until we hold others accountable and stop accepting abuse as love. If you didn’t know, now you know.
We are all divine and nothing sent from the divine will fill you with pain, only with love. So if it hurts it’s a lesson guiding you to love yourself, to learn to speak your truth and defend what is right for you.
This is your life if it’s not the one you hoped for and it isn’t right for you. Ask yourself why you’re there you only get one shot at least give yourself a good one!
If it’s not love you may want to ask yourself why you stick around and slowly wait to die, they aren’t gonna change and times going by, take those broken wings and learn how to fly.
You deserve a life of love and peace, it can absolutely be yours you simply have to believe and try.
First decide what is and isn’t acceptable for you, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Start telling others what is and isn’t okay for you, this is basic human decency. I don’t like this and I won’t do it to you, don’t do it to me.
It’s simple and true. Yet when it comes to speaking up and honoring ourselves it’s something that most of us simply don’t do. I believe it’s because we don’t think we have the right, which is funny when you consider this is our life.
We must read in order to comprehend, we must speak in order to teach, we must learn to communicate in order to understand and we must be willing to have deep hard conversations judgement free, using only understanding and open minds if we’re ever to change the hearts and minds of all humans.
Children are sacrificed in so many ways everyday the children are lost and who pays the ultimate price.. the children for their parents selfish ways. So I can make sense I f the phrase hell is for children..
Parents are so wrapped up in their own hells, while the kids try to understand what’s happening and what to do, they find themselves alone with no one to talk to. Parents so busy trying to live their lives suddenly their kids became an inconvenience to their lives. The children are trapped in the hell the parent creates until the child breaks free and grows up and away.
They can’t see that the children struggle too and on top of the pain of the reality they children get blamed for what the other parent wouldn’t live up too. What they also didn’t see is we are here to speak the truth. It ends with us it’s isn’t something we’re going to continue.
If you don’t like your children because of your ex allow me to remind you of this. You chose your ex, your child was innocent. It’s not their fault if they came out the spitting image of him or her. They didn’t ask to be born to either of you. Many of us got a shit hand, we’re all doing the best that we can do.
The older generations disconnect seems to be a simple one. Narrow minded, pride filled, hurt egos whose hearts have hardened, why? because they have guilt and secrets to hide. We are the disappointment they hold when they close their eyes. Truth is we’re not responsible to be what they dreamed we would that was their dream, this is our life.. let’s get that clearly understood.
Too often I see adults try and try again to regain a bond with toxic parents and it’s always the same outcome. The child takes all the blame while the parents judge and take no accountability. It’s ridiculous to see all the bitterness anger and jealousy that comes so much hatred and it’s typically over money which is funny. I guess in their eyes love costs..
In my heart and soul, I have always been blessed to know love doesn’t cost a thing. I give it out freely because everyone can use it and it’s one of the best parts of me!
I only wish others could see, the things that divide us don’t even matter, will what you financially achieved comfort you in your final hour?
I know when I die want to think back and relive memories and moments with those I love, I won’t be focused on what’s in my bank account, I will be focused on the love that was shared and the people I cared for and to those I’ve created they are my legacy and they’re the greatest accomplishment of my life.
How their story is written is entirely their right! I will never judge or shame them for what they did or didn’t do, I will be there when they need guidance love and support I am their mother and for them there is nothing I wouldn’t do.
Patience and understanding comes very easily to me as I understand these life lessons are something we all go through.
There is no room for bitterness or anger towards the kids we were all kids once, why can’t we see we have no idea what’s happening personally for them and understand they’re all doing the best they can, when did we forget how hard it was growing up man?!
I just think people need to realize before the time expires. While we should love people and use things we don’t. Instead we love things and use people.. we have gotten it so wrong, stop going with the crowds it’s clear to see they’re lost.
How do you find yourself again, once you forgot who you were. Before life took over and told you who you should be?
All I can do is offer you what I came across when I set out to find me.
I am not the abuse I’ve suffered or the hells that I’ve endured. I am the woman with the wild hair, innocent eyes and heart that will always soar!
I am not the daughter I was made out and blamed to be. I was the daughter struggling for a way to have my mother and father simply see me.
I am not the woman my family describes, I am the child that was lost in trauma and abuse that ran away to hide from it all.
Instead of being left alone, what I needed was a hand to hold. A warm safe place where I could rest my mind, body, soul and heart.
There were no magic words to get them to want to understand or see it my way.
So alone I walked and took the burden of all the blame. I sat in this place of shame created for me, guilt pain and depression overwhelmed me. I would never be the same.
I was a child, a young child at that how is it I was to blame? Why couldn’t the adults see and understand what it had all done to me I was a innocent baby.
In order to victimize me and molest me they had to first create a victim in me. Mind control is a reality, when you’re a innocent child you have no choice other than to trust and believe in those entrusted to care for you. So when they tell you things you believe them.
I was the girl who woke up at 18 and was told she was getting married. I didn’t have a choice, get married at noon or I would be homeless that same day. This was America but the choice for me was taken away.
I had no idea I had a say. Controlling me was easy as sad as it is, it was true, it was something almost anyone could do. All it took was showing me some affection mixed with pain and toxicity and well it was good enough for me. I called it love it was what I was used too. I promise it was not love at all just lessons that kept repeating.
It wasn’t until I was 20 and pregnant with my first born Gabrielle Skyelar that I would come to life. In the moment I felt her within I knew I had no choice left, I couldn’t give up and wait to die. She became my life and started to learn to fight. She was the light that sparked the divine in my eyes.
My daughter brought out in me my will and devotion. Then at 22 I became pregnant with my son, my little love who would teach me some incredible lessons in love and self worth! Children are our greatest gifts and blessings, if only we would learn to listen to them!
Trust it’s true if you’re given a daughter you needed to learn maturity, if you were given a son you needed to learn love. This for me is absolutely true. Through my daughter I found my fight and will to survive, It’s through my son that I learned exactly what my heart could do and learn how to thrive.
When I was pregnant with my second child I was 23, absolutely terrified at a strange possibility.. Gabrielle Skyelar was my absolute world I love her with all that I am, how could I be sure he would receive the same love?
I prayed cried and genuinely was scared, I wouldn’t do to my children the things that were done to me. Favoritism isn’t something in which I believe. I wasn’t going to let them know a single day without total love.
February came and I couldn’t wait to meet my son and hold him. I was so ready to have him in my arms. That evening Christian Angelus was born into this life, in that moment my heart multiplied and I was filled with so much love, my question was easily answered with his birth my heart filled with an endless supply of love.
My entire world filled so bright. My heart was absolutely whole I now had the greatest loves of my life, my princess and my prince I didn’t want for anything more. Their happiness became my goal and I tried so hard to be the mom they deserved. The birthday parties always brought me such joy a special day to celebrate my baby girl and baby boy. I know I messed up but man did I do my very best and I’m okay with that being enough for now. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop trying to undo the damage I’m responsible for, I hold myself to the same accountability.
Unfortunately when you’re born to a mother that darkness is holding down, your beginnings are not exactly the best to create a stable foundation. It’s not lie children suffer the consequences of the parents, although I tried to protect them my choices and actions still hurt them. That’s simply truth and fact.
Tami didn’t exist I was mom trying to find me again.
I had no idea who I was, mental illness tormented me constant videos playing in the back of my mind all the trauma I had endured. I was as fighting to heal and find a better way forward, the pressures and stresses kept adding. I sought to others to help me, to teach me, to show me a better way.
I was so desperate to create a stable home and family for my children, I wanted nothing more than love and peace in my life. So when someone came and showed a little love, hope came alive and I jumped. I loved absolutely and gave my all believing if I loved them, they would love me the same… it always turned out to be false hope, toxic and painful just as the past before. It wasn’t love as I believed it should be but it was better then what I had before.
I couldn’t escape and the doctors will give you anything to take the pain away so I was overly medicated and zombie like. I asked for reasons they gave me excuses and more pills I was at the mercy of those I entrusted with my well being. I was at the mercy of others because I hadn’t had a chance to properly grow and mature.
It wasn’t pretty and those who I loved more than anything were being emotionally torn apart.
I was too busy trying to find a way to take care of them and make it through the day, every move I made seemed the wrong move to make. I didn’t realize what it was doing to my children.
Anger and judgement at every corner, help came but was only given to get out of immediate danger and that’s only on occasion. Help always came with rage and blame. I stopped asking unless it was life or death. It didn’t matter to anyone and no one cared to help.
Soon it became easy to see, those who said they loved me didn’t want to be bothered by me. They only helped to tell everyone else they helped. It was used to make a mockery of me. I thought it was genuine I thought they cared. The damage they would cause was almost beyond repair.
My children used to tell me I was obsessed with them, I agree I am absolutely in love with them. I created them, I made them, they came from me! What else could I possibly be? They are the greatest things that have ever happened to me.
I raised my two to know how absolutely amazing they are in every way, I raised them to give basic respect to all and once someone doesn’t show the same step that respect back. I taught them to think for themselves, speak for themselves and respect each others feelings. So of course as they grew up, grew older and turned 18, they had no issues telling me the truth when I was the one causing them pain.
However before this happened allow me to explain. I had finally had enough, I felt like I was going insane. I had lost myself and now they were grown up. I felt I had lost them too, we were all blinded by the pain of the past they were unable to see what I was trying to do. When in reality I was trying to honor all the promises I had not previously been able too, I was able to finally start making it right.
I had my own personal beliefs which I still hold absolutely true, what I didn’t realize is they held their own beliefs. I should have been proud but I was devastated and I didn’t know what to do.
I really had no idea, I believed I was doing the absolute best I could with what I had available to me and what I was healing from and had learned.
My heart was absolutely broken what did I do? All I needed was love and safety to let down my armor and begin healing so that I could find me.
So now let’s go back a bit… May 27 2018 my 40th birthday I was in a terribly toxic relationship, it broke my will, my heart, my children, my life it changed my absolutely and I was someone I didn’t know anymore.
I had finally had it. I had enough and I was surely done, I didn’t realize this was the beginning of me coming undone.
That Christmas I watched videos of children whose parents committed suicide and the effects it had on their kids. That Christmas the kids didn’t realize me staying alive was the greatest gift they didn’t know they had received. I couldn’t leave them alone in this world because of a disease given to me.
Mental illness is a disease of society.
All the pain, trauma and abuse I had ever endured came rushing out like rivers that had been held back too long. My personal beliefs are simple and always remained true. Do unto others as you’d want done to you, right is right when it’s right for all, or it’s right for no one at all. Stand up and fight for what you believe in or sit back and take the fall.
My unraveling began first my desire for romantic love was gone and I couldn’t stand dealing with humans. Then I took time to get to know me. Here’s the beauty of it, it happened naturally I just couldn’t see.
Immediately I started having fun, dating and meeting new people. Life was changing and I didn’t think anything of it. When you have older teenagers they rarely want mom as company. So I started reaching out and connecting with others I wasn’t trying to be an overbearing mother. Yet I still was, all while simultaneously not being there enough for them.
This motherhood is the hardest hood I have ever been in, I have been in a lot of them. Mother’s everywhere we’re doing our best and it’s enough, never exactly right, yet we’re here and we still fight for them. Can I get a Amen?
So moving forward let’s jump to March 2019 kids and I are doing good we’re trying to figure life out together. They were beginning to think about their future life, hopes and real dreams.
What’s about to be written was completely unseen. The ancestors approved was the message I received. Oh that’s right that’s another thing you don’t know about me.
I get messages and my intuition is strong, had I learned to follow it early on life would have been different all along. The trouble is I didn’t realize I have power and a say this is my life.
So I was talking to my good friend and when she asked if I had plans, my response was no. I had no idea this was the accelerant I had been waiting for. She came over and it was something indescribable, I was hiding in my bathroom acting like a nervous child. It was the first time we met in person, although we had talked for years. I truly couldn’t comprehend that my destiny would forge a new way forward from here.
Tiffany came in like a wrecking ball, I say it proudly now trust me that was a heartbreaking fall. Love was absolutely in my life and I didn’t understand what to do, holy shit is this really happening to me could it be true?
This is the thing that we should all understand, when you have been devoid of unconditional love and it finally comes, you are terrified and hopeful at the same time; you may even come undone. This is also where you start to learn to trust again. That’s is also a terrifying thing to do but if you want it you’ve got to give it, it’s the right thing to do.
I know how it sounds but trust me it’s true, give me a moment and I’ll explain it to you. When someone comes in simply to love and help you, they treat you in a way you’re not used to. They show you respect, kindness, understanding, devotion and they give you truth with the very best of them in all they do. When you are finally able to receive this love and accept it, anything less will no longer do. It doesn’t matter who it’s from, now you’ve been shown your worth in another’s eyes. Anything less that complete unconditional love and mutual respect will not survive.
Why? You’re no longer the person waiting to die, you know begin to remember who you truly are. It’s your time and you will do whatever it takes to thrive and do better once you know better. Sometimes better doesn’t mean together and that’s where destruction comes in.. back to my unraveling.
October 2020, my son is 18 my daughter 21, Tiffany and I are living in my home, we’re creating a healthy healing stable home together. Chris moves out and I breakdown yup mental hospital and all. I lost my damn mind, my heart was shattered to pieces to see my baby boy leave from my house.
I had been working so hard, too hard and I’m sure the kids must have felt as if I was pulling away, in reality I was preparing them to be responsible adults for the day they were ready to go on their own journey. I wasn’t ready for that to happen yet, after all this time I was finally able to give them the life they deserved, the one I had tried my whole life to give them.
So yes when he left I lost it ALL. I wasn’t able to return to my home after that. I woke up in a mental health crisis and was taken away, never to step foot back in my house or life after that day.
November 2020 my whole life had changed and I was forced to relearn everything once more. Now I had more trauma to heal from. Mental health facilities in this country should be illegal, they’re a crying shame. I was assaulted multiple time’s and denied doctors care while I was forcibly held in the states care.
Although my heart was broken and my emotions were everywhere, my mind was absolutely intact and fully aware of it all. That’s another story for another day, it’s ending still remains open so you and I will just have to wait.
Where do you go when you have no where to call home and you have been severely abused and traumatized and everyone says you’re the only one to blame?
Well you take the trip you had planned for the family to take, you go to Florida to clear your head from everything and gain clarity from silence you couldn’t get at home, this time there is peace of mind at least you will be safe. I tried to go back to my kids right away but the pain was too much from the words they didn’t hear me say!
When you have a mental breakdown during a pandemic after a lifetime of mental illness caused by childhood abuse in all aspects including molestation and rape. I don’t care who tells you what honestly the truth is no you don’t hold all the blame.
I didn’t realize this unfortunately until later so in Florida is where I drove myself insane so deep in the guilt of the pain I caused my children I didn’t know if I would ever come to life again.
As I started going deeper into who I am instead of what had happened to me. I was happily surprised, I was always who I knew myself to be. I wasn’t all the terrible things that were said to me. I was simply me waiting to give back all these suitcases of blame I had held my entire life that never belonged to me.
So I sorted through the pain of the past and labeled the suitcases correctly at last. Once they were organized I handed them back to their rightful owners, after 43 years I’m still unloading. With each suitcase I hand back my hearts gets lighter and shines a bit brighter.
I started remembering things I wanted to try, I made a playlist of songs I used to like, I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought of me. To be honest I became quite childlike. I realized this most people don’t even like themselves who are they to judge me?
The year in Celebration Florida was absolutely healing to our inner children, I didn’t realize it at the time now looking back it was very clear. Lets be honest the cards were not stacked in our favor so how it all came to be in my heart and mind the best answer I have is divinely protected.
We were homeless, unemployed, little money after paying the house bills, no family to help and not many friends. I was so absolutely broken mentally, physically and spiritually it should have been our stories end.
The unknown has a way of working things out, it has proven that to me time and time again. Do you know what I mean? When things seem hopeless something comes through to save the day just in the nick of time? That is what I call the unknown but if I was a gambling women I would say it’s God/Source/Divine/ineffable if you get what I mean.
So anyway back to Celebration Florida and Walt Disney world, now looking back what an absolutely magical time. That’s no exaggeration at all, we were treated like absolute royalty with such love. When we were in Disney I felt like the Queen of it all!
Almost every bit was absolutely magically beautiful until a man came into my life unwarranted and threatened my well being. Sadly Disney was taken away, that’s a story for another day the story hasn’t been completed yet so we shall see what comes.
Funny thing is if people would simply do the right thing for all there would be no reason for blame. The only time blame would be assigned would be if someone did something intentionally against another and then yes accountability needs to be assigned and responsibility accepted. To do anything less is absolutely a crime.
October 2021 took us by storm, the only thing certain is I refused to be harmed! Tiffany and I once again moved from our childhood fantasy come true. When life sends you packing it’s best to go with the flow, I’ve learned only when you fight against the changes do you begin to choke in the seas of despair. It’s a hell of a time trying to get out of there. Learn to ride the waves!
Wilmington North Carolina is where we moved, to a beautiful 2 bedroom home complete with a mini gallery and my own meditation room. Six minutes from one beach, 12 to the other beach, 15 minutes to downtown and here was the absolute best part!!!
An hour and half away from my adult children and they were happy to have me back and willing to heal our bond and work together for a better way to move forward as a family. It’s still a work in progress we’re talking of lifetimes of mistakes and pain, but when the love is genuine it’s a small price to pay. For them I would give everything and anything, so I chose grace.
I give love, patience, grace and understanding. I have to give them the time they need to process. Just because I’m ready to be forgiven and trusted doesn’t mean they’re ready and that is okay because everyday it grows a bit more. Love doesn’t leave it holds open a door.
Ask yourself this: If we can’t forgive those who didn’t mean us harm because they still hurt us, how can we expect anyone else to feel differently? If you want forgiveness you have to give forgiveness. If you want love you have to give love. If you want trust you have to give trust. If you want truth you have to give truth. What you give out will always come back to you, if you didn’t know better well now you do.
So step into the present because right now it’s the only thing that truly matters. Right now my life is beautiful. I am loved, I am safe, I am protected, I have been blessed. My children are in my life, I spend time with them often and talk almost daily. We are healing. I am engaged to the love of my life and I am taking back my power more and more everyday.
My life is filled with moments that turn into memories to last a lifetime. My days spent painting meditating and at the beach or in nature with my absolute best friend. My nights spent laughing and talking like old friends. I have peace and I have found a better way. The truth is, I love me absolutely it’s a shame it took so long. I hope this can help you.
I guess it would have helped if I would have noticed I was missing sooner. So here is the best advice I can give, it’s not my own it was handed to me from a friend I hope is doing well. She said Tami remember this you’re the most important person in any room you walk into. The same holds true for you my loves you are no less then anyone, hold your head high and remember who you are! I love you and hope it helps in some way.
If you enjoyed it and took something from it please like. subscribe and share. It could help someone else too, isn’t that what we’re all here to do?
The elders knew what was going to come, the faith they had was and has always been unwavering.
What no one seems to understand is they were absolutely right. The rainbow warriors would be the ones to save the world.
Who are the rainbow warriors?
Allow me to introduce you to anyone who has fought for love in any real way and that includes those who paid dearly.
I’ve been shown by God/Source/Great spirit, the rainbow warriors are found everywhere.
I speak for myself but I find it to be Particularly in the LGBTQIA community. Yes let me explain from my personal experience. I am a lesbian, I have had to fight every single day for my right to love. As a mother in the nineties I worried all the time that they would take my children simply because I loved a woman.
Much like those before me who lost their lives, homes, families; I went through similar struggles and heartbreaking loss and traumas. To be honest we opened the broken hearts club and became advocates for all, in what is right for all.
We payed dearly every step of the way, yet I couldn’t be more proud of being gay.
My struggles and pain only paved the path for my own daughter to come out as a lesbian and receive the support and love she deserves.
There isn’t a better feeling to be had if you’re a true of heart mom or dad! You just get it. If my suffering helped in any aspect, that’s a blessing and a beautiful gift.
Yet here we are in 2022 and again they threaten our freedoms. How many more lives will be lost for the belief of man?
They’re trying to undo all we have fought for with our lives. I am sick of it and can’t stand this hate and evil anymore.
Why is this country run by those fueled on hateful personal beliefs and evil in their hearts? So focused on power and control they happily will sacrifice each and every soul.
It’s time to take control back and set it right for all!
Either we finally stand up together and unite once and for all. They’ve already proven that divided we fall.
This country has become so over run with greed, taken over by manipulation. They weaponized their own people against each other, make no mistake this is a war on humanity.
In school you were taught how to obey, you were told what to think. How to behave and what is and isn’t socially acceptable which bred intolerance and judgement and led us all to shame.
Those who thought for themselves and spoke their minds had no choice, me personally I felt forced into speaking up. How could I be quiet with the reality I was born into? Truth is it was done to everyone and we all did the best we could do.
We did our best to warn you all and now of it all is too hard to bear.
We understand and there is no judgement, now it’s simply time to do better. When you know better you do better. You soon will.
Ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse, if you wouldn’t like it done to you don’t do it to another. So simple yet so true.
Those addicts in your families that you threw away did you ever once consider what happened to them? What was done to them to make them become this way? Or did you fill with shame anger and judgement and ultimately throw them away.
Simply because you feel something doesn’t make it right. There are so many different perceptions to open to. Try to open to understanding again. Those walls you built to protect you when your heart couldn’t take anymore are the same walls preventing love from truly entering.
I promise you this no God will ever judge you without taking it all into consideration and we all deserved the same opportunity yet it was stolen from us so trust unless you’re intentionally evil you’re good.
It’s time to speak up for everyone and that includes you! Yes you matter too! Please realize this is for everyone of us!!!
All the outcasts, misfits, rainbow warriors, gay, straight, no labels it’s time to just be beautiful you!! If we don’t stand up for each other because it’s not our problem who is going to be left to stand for you when they come?
If it’s not your fight and it’s not right simply don’t participate what are they going to do arrest all who refuse to fight a mans war over control, when they are fighting Gods war for the heart and soul of man. We will never achieve peace while we’re fighting another mans war.
It’s time to try again in a better way together and begin Anew. The God of my heart is all about love and peace and I only speak the truth. 🕊🤍♾ I love you
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 