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I wish I could take it all back.

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Yet I can’t. Nor can I wish it away. It happened and now we are done.

I found all your voicemails from December 3,2022 I wanted to die when I heard you.

You were so fragile so afraid and so alone I was the one you trusted as home and I was gone.

I didn’t mean too, I wasn’t strong enough to carryon I needed help. I wasn’t myself too much pain and trauma bent me until I broke.

I’m so sorry I hurt you in the process. I had no idea what you must have gone through until I heard your voice. Your cries still haunt me I’m so sorry my baby.

Even though we’re not together I love you more with every day I only want the best for you in every way.

Life is good…

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Life is good these days. I just moved into the cutest 3 bedroom with my daughter and my best friend (who coincidentally is madly in love with me). I’m talking to someone new it’s been a minute I’m finally ready to meet her. Tiffany and I are in communication it’s not great yet it’s something, I’ll take it.

I know things can’t be different and this is where we are yet I don’t want to be done. Tiffany will always be my great one and I miss her every day in every way. She wasn’t just my fiancé she was truly my best friend. Her leaving me was the greatest betrayal to my heart it destroyed me and yet I still hold space and pray for her daily.

I love her and you can’t help what the heart wants. I miss us as we were and I know given the chance it could be out of this world. My roommate and bestie is Estee she is also my ex fiancé from like 17 years ago. Life in our home is beautiful filled with laughter and joy. It’s peaceful.

The woman I’m talking to has children which concerns me because I don’t want anymore pain and with kids it’s easy to fall in love with kids making it harder to leave if things don’t work out. I’m not waiting for Tiffany she has made her decision crystal clear, I just won’t give up on her either.

My vibe is high these days which is nice and I’m about to be a grandmother which is wild to me. Like my person that I created is making his own person. Wild right! My baby boy is having a baby boy! I can’t wait to meet my grandson he is so loved already and he isn’t even here yet! I am so excited to be for him what I should have been to Gabby and Chris I just didn’t realize or know better at the time. I was only 21 the same age as my son is now. He has me in his corner he will never fail.

To watch Chris step into this new role in life is incredible. I am so in awe of the man he has become. He is emotionally and mentally supportive a hard worker, loving, devoted and protective. I am honored to call him my son and to watch him raise his beautiful son. Life is good.

Gabby is home with me now. Life is beautiful. I love to watch her strength and feisty personality as she maneuvers her way through this world with her big beautiful heart and soul. I watch her excitement and pride when speaking of her nephew it melts my heart I did something right in this world. Life is good.

My heart hurts

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I want to talk to you and it kills me that I can’t it’s like a physical pain deep in my heart where I feel the loss of you.

There is nothing that will fill the void and why should it if it’s not you. So I have this gaping wound filled with all the love I’m saving for you.

They say keep hope alive that you will be back after you have had your time. Im not so sure I have much hope left to give it’s become a pretty hopeless situation.

You chose someone else it tells me you don’t want me if you did you would be trying and you’re not. So the best thing I can do for myself is to move on without you. The truth is I don’t want to.

The four years we had were the best I’ve ever had for once I was loved safe and at peace and then you left when I needed you the most that’s some shit I would have never done to you.

I can’t change what happened or make you come back all I can do is keep going.

Too many thoughts of you

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They invade my mind, body and heart. I can’t shake you. I wish I could reach out and hear your voice, look into your beautiful brown eyes and kiss your perfect lips.

I miss you and so much has changed I wish you were here to enjoy it all with me. I hope life is treating you well. I love you that will never change yet I can’t wait around for someone who doesn’t want me.

I love myself too much for that. When the time is right I pray we meet again with warmth in our hearts and smiles in our eyes until then I think of you. I love you my guy.

Our time

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This is supposed to be our time finally and you’re not here. This shit kills me. If I could go back I would change the parts that made you say goodbye.

It’s the fact you’re not here that doesn’t sit right with me. I miss your smile your laugh your lips and chubby cheeks I miss you everything about you my guy.

I don’t know what lies you’re telling yourself but while you’re confused I’m stuck in this hell. I have no choice but to try and move on remember it wasn’t me that wanted you gone that choice was yours.

Twinflame journey

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This journey is the hardest thing everyone says to forget you yet how can I when you’re a part of me?

How you did me was dirty and how you’re doing me now is worse. How could this be love when all I do is hurt?

All the things you said run around my head yet the reality is you didn’t mean anything that came out of your mouth or it wouldn’t be like this.

Deleted videos

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I saw you deleted the videos of us on social media. It hurt. I can’t believe we’re in this place.

How the fuck did we get here? Why did I stop taking my mental health medication in 2019. I got off of them because I was finally happy and believed I didn’t need them anymore, I was wrong.

I didn’t see the decline until October 2020 when I had my first mental breakdown even then I refused to be medicated thinking I could fix me without the medication. Again I was wrong in November 2022 I had another mental breakdown and this one literally cost me everything.

I have been on medication since December 2022 and it is needed for the rest of my life. Being on medication has helped make things a bit easier on me.

However I lost everything December 2022 after that breakdown something changed and my fiancé at the time said is was too much loss and she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was in the hospital I had no idea of what had happened or what was happening to be honest.

I moved in with a friend I barely knew who was renting a room in her house. I saw my ex for the last time February 21 2023 when I was finally released from custody. She came saw me we talked as we drove and cried I couldn’t stop her she finally said goodbye.

Months have passed and one thing is for sure I love that woman with all I am and wish I could get her to talk to me. I’m deeply sorry for the pain I caused when I had my breakdown. Life isn’t bad here friendship is a beautiful gift and most days I spent hours in our pool it’s therapy. I laugh I also cry when I think of her and how much I miss her.

I wish I would have known how hard it was to deal with someone who has bipolar, mdd and ptsd. I would have never taken myself off the medication. I have been to jail and a mental health facility I’ve lost the love of my life and I’m here starting life all over again.

Tiffany Lee

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Things don’t feel the same anymore

I no longer here you coming through the door

I hear your voice in videos I’ve saved

I miss you so much I wish I hold your face in my hands as I kiss your lips

What I would give for just one wish

Days pass and I still cry because I miss you

Dreaming of your face wishing I could kiss you

Life isn’t the same without you by my side

Do you ever think of me or dream of how it used to be

I think about you all the time and me without you should be a crime

Life has been treating me well I cannot lie yet it’s nothing without you by my side.

Under the moon

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I remember you standing up against the wall you kissed me and I fell deeper in love with you I grabbed your hand and we danced under the moon. Who knew it would end so soon?

It’s solstice and you walked out of my life I can’t bear this heartbreak in my heart you’re my wife.

Do you remember our nights dancing in the ocean under the moonlight. Laughing for hours at nothing at all. You are my greatest love and this breakup is the greatest fall from grace, I’m hurt how did I end up in this place.

How did I lose you? I never meant to let you go baby come back, you already know I’m waiting for you. Everyday all I think of is you if you’re not for me let the universe take all this pain away, the thoughts of you haunt me every moment I’d give anything to call you mine again someday. I love you.