I didn’t know it existed until the ancestors approved.

It was March 2019 and you texted me

“what are you doing tomorrow night?”.

Rewind time 2017 chipotle you were GM and working, I was in a relationship. I didn’t say a word, I had to leave I even forgot to order.

2018 POF I was single you were single.. we weren’t interested and we had shit to work out but you were good people and I liked the conversation. I am forever blessed for chipotle and the bad first dates we would laugh at.

Our love began with consideration, truth, boundaries, communication, total disclosure & understanding.

We had no ulterior motives or expectations.

I had no idea what was about to happen that night.

A simple touch to the back of my hand from your hand, as we looked into the paintings and tarot cards.. it was magickal, it felt as if time stopped.

I didn’t realize I’d never be the same again.

Love had always been such a painful teacher.

Together we found a different way forward, one where love never hurts.

We didn’t even realize it was happening, how two strangers became the greatest love story in history, time will tell.

I only wished I didn’t grow up believing that love and pain were synonymous.

You have been my best friend and greatest supporter ever step of the way.

You came in and helped me clear a path back to myself, for the first time I felt safe.

Safe enough to speak up and set boundaries. If you didn’t treat me poorly, I’ll be damned if others were going too.

I found my voice in our love.

Your love gave me the strength to love and fight for myself for the first time in my life. You showed me I was safe.

I had no choice, I was healing and opening up in a whole new way. Everything around me was bursting to life and my spirituality and belief was at an all time high.

Life was incredible. I finally had it all.

I had no idea October 2020 after surviving the pandemic and lockdown. I would lose everything I had ever known.

Simply put physical punishment is abuse. Especially when it comes to the very children you’re entrusted to protect and love. Physical punishment has nothing to do with the child or person you’re hitting it has everything to do with you.

You need to control.

You physically punish another when you have been pushed past the point of frustration and can no longer control your emotions so you act out violently in hopes to intimidate or cause fear so they will obey you. It’s disgusting, learn to communicate effectively and understand. Instead of making excuses for your violent temper. Be better there is no reason to put a hand on another to inflict harm and cause further trauma ever! Do better.

1/2022 trying to find the exact dates…

Depression is funny one minute you’re absolutely fine and then you can feel it. Slowly it starts the sadness comes and I can’t pinpoint what is making me sad. So I tell Tiffany my plan and I set off to surrender to it fully while we both closely monitor how it’s going and there is a plan in place if it gets too bad. I’ve been dealing with crippling suicidal depression and more since I could remember, I have tried all the medications, therapies, etc. I’m still here fighting but now this mental illness is winning and if I don’t get to the bottom of it, I know it will be the end of me.

Update 1/30/2022

Everything was going good and then out of the blue, I was being chased down as if I was being hunted. I quickly remembered everything they taught me if my life was in danger…. Make noise, gets someone’s attention, no matter the turns I made I couldn’t escape. It was like no one could see me or hear me screaming help.. it’s gonna get me I can’t fight this alone. Worse yet if they did they couldn’t be bothered or didn’t care and then all my fears were true anyway.

I asked for help, what I received was judgement, blame and shame. I had doctors pushing prescriptions that caused addictions but never real help just diagnosis’s and bandaids to cover up the pain.

Now I will be the one to help myself. I put my trust into everyone else now I put all my trust into me!

I’ve been fighting for so long. I drop down in the most defeated way, the pain and loss of it all too much to breathe through. I feel like I’m falling into the unknown, I bend down to steady myself I know it’s going down.

I have been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and medicated since I was 14. Bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, MDD… I can keep going. I was on up to 18 different medications a day.

What they didn’t know to look for or couldn’t understand was the fact that my diagnosis was a direct result of my childhood and the abuse I had endured.

I was abused and molested from a very early age until 14 years old. This on top of everything else and the ways it was done. My abusers were sick cruel adults who intentionally harm children for their own enjoyment, pleasure or release and they did it in such a way that they intentionally manipulated me to believe this was normal.

These are were people I was told to trust, don’t question, respect adults. Be a good girl, this is your family. Trust your family love your family they’re your family.. I thought I was being good regardless of how bad it made me feel. I was just happy someone wanted me around and they were nice to me.

I was a small innocent child with a huge heart a lot of emotions, in a unstable abusive home longing for any attention I was also the fat kid being bullied at school I see how it happened I was such an easy target.

So that they would be able to continue to do what they wished to me. I was forced to live in constant fear, shame and confusion which ensured I would keep their secret. This is what I grew up to know love as, just so could have their fun at my expense.

The extent of the damage caused would present themselves traumatically throughout the rest of my life. This and relationships I had watched growing up would set the tone for the relationships I would seek in my adult life.

It wasn’t until I was 43 years old did I realize just how it had destroyed every aspect of my life especially my mind. What no one could understand was the cause and effect of all that I had been forced to endure.

I get it Que Sera Sera and all of that, no one knew, yet when they did and moving forward where was the understanding extended to me?

I was the one left alone in the rubble trying to find my way through and when I got done there was no home or family to return home to.

They had all left and moved on with their lives the best they could I was just the fucked up kid everyone misunderstood.

I bow my head for a moment, I close my eyes… I feel a hot ache that I cannot control coming from the depths of my soul. A scream escapes with a pain so deep in sound you feel it throughout you like a wave of realization hitting all around.

I take a deep breath it won’t be long now.

I place my hand on the floor, I’m done I can’t take anymore.

I push off the ground with my right hand and left leg . I stand up, I raise my head and remember who the fuck I am. Depression won’t win this is my life and I’m here to make changes.

I know who I am. Everyone should. Regardless of your past understand that at any given moment you have the power to change the story you tell yourself, realize you’re so much more than what the world let you believe.

Life is unplanned as we know, no matter how much we believe we have control, we simply do not. Many refuse to give up on the notion that they hold control over another, that is where the greatest pain is held.

Each of us has our journey and while many of our journeys intertwine with others it is never our place to try and control their destiny. We may guide others and encourage them in truth and love but control is not ours. Not with lovers, friendships, relationships, children, parents, or family.

The longer we spend trying to gain control over another, we lose control over ourselves, simply because we’ve become so stuck in trying to keep things the same. We often miss the gifts and beauty of change, while we keep ourselves in a painful situation. Instead of allowing the changes to come freely to set us free from the very thing holding us back.

Very often we cling on to whatever it is we’ve been without for the longest and that sadly is love or security in some form. Regardless of the pain, it causes us, not necessarily because it is good for us, more so because it’s the best we’ve known. Which allows us to feel better while keeping us in the same patterns we’ve always known which feels familiar and good, no matter how unhealthy they may be. Most feel it’s all they deserve which keeps them trapped.

The truth is we deserve unconditional love, truth, understanding, care, communication, and freedom to live how we see fit, as long as we are not hurting anyone to achieve it.

Honesty is key, yet how can we expect a society of people who cannot be honest with themselves, to be honest with anyone else? Isn’t it time to end the great pretending and start embracing who we are flaws and all? How can we connect on a real level if we’re doing focused on maintaining a perfectly fake image? The perfect world that doesn’t exactly exist yet you claim to have it while you cry alone? Why keep yourself chained up to the pain?

So the escape room 2 and blue bayou it was! The escape room was enjoyable, predictable, and pretty well written. It served the purpose, then we put on Blue bayou and I’m beside myself.

Please watch Blue Bayou…

I had no idea this was happening and now I can’t find a way to make it make sense. I can’t wrap my head around it. So perhaps I’m getting it wrong but from what I take from the movie is this.

You as a white American in the ’80s could go to another country with the right amount of money adopt a baby, take them away from their homeland and culture, bring them to the US.

They as adults, if you didn’t file to proper paperwork, are not considered citizens and they can be deported back to their home country by ICE.

So because the proper laws weren’t in place to ensure the adults involved secured the safety of the children they had purchased when we started trafficking humans. There is more pain and suffering inflicted.

These now adult children have families and children of their own. With little to no knowledge or understanding of their home country let alone of the culture or language, are forced to leave all the love and know again through no fault of their own.

To start over with nothing, no support, scared, lost, confused.

What is wrong with this world???

Bought, sold, returned.

It’s a problem when we treat humans as objects.

America this is pitiful.

Make it make sense!

I believe what you’re dealing with is the result of a lifetime of child abuse that left your mother emotionally and mentally held back. She learned how to parent you from her parents much like you learned how to parent by how you were raised.

If it is toxic to you and your family and you don’t want to give up on her, I understand absolutely. Now what you can do is talk to her set strong boundaries and stop giving her control.

Think about it is she is controlling you, are you afraid to speak to her because it will anger her and she will retaliate? Sometimes people don’t know how their actions affect others until they are made aware, so tell her! If you’re going to let her in your then you are going to have to take back control and parent her.

If she isn’t wanting to change or admit a problem she is grown and not your responsibility especially if she is still causing you harm. You’re a far better parent than you had I know this because you’re here questioning and trying to understand.

Don’t let your children watch you being manipulated and controlled, show them that no one is allowed to treat them this way, not even family.

Allow me to clear up any misunderstandings your jumping to assumptions may cause. The things I am speaking of are past events that I have healed. I now discuss these things to shed light on them so that others know it can be done and they aren’t alone.

I am honestly very happy and at peace in my life. I am honestly absolutely in love with my life. I have all My heart desires, love, peace, joy. Yes, I still struggle with depression and PTSD as we all do but I am unmedicated.

I got off of every single medication these were all doctor prescribed and began when I was 14 it stopped at 40. These medications were major and Included high doses of narcotics and sedatives. I got off of it all without switching to any alternative medications. I did it with CBD alone. I’m not judging nor recommending anything you’re an adult do your research and make your own choices and take responsibility for them. All I am doing is saying what worked for me.

As I went deeper into my healing and uncovered all that had happened, I went deeper into myself. During the first year without the pills after two decades on them. I meditated heavily multiple times a day and CBD gummy’s would help when the PTSD & anxiety would kick in.

I had to unlearn everything I had been taught and come to face the fact that I had become my mother. No, I didn’t do it as she did but shit I still had some toxic patterns I picked up. I also had to have faith in myself because when it came to love I was unlucky! It was time to focus on my children, and I had just turned 40.

As well as walked away from a toxic love because I realized while we were toxic together I didn’t like who I was when I was in that relationship and I didn’t like the person I had become. I refused to keep being a person that hurts people she loves and called it love. To me, it no longer made sense that didn’t love it was a gross game and I wanted out.

I was feeling myself! My kids and I were bonding in a better way and trying to figure out how to do things in a better way. I had lost some weight. My confidence was up, My boundaries high, going back to school. Life was still scary and stressful but it was better. It was lonely at night times so I was starting to date! My children were mid and late teens. The business was doing well. Life was calm, for me that was enough.

Yet it wasn’t. I thought I knew what to look for my mom said go for money because when you’re starving love doesn’t feed you. I could never get with that mindset because money only feeds you food. I can grow my own. I think what happened women were taught as long as they had a provider at home they were lucky.

That didn’t sound lucky it sounded like you were property. It sounded like because they take care of you they can do whatever they want to you no matter how it hurts. That’s what my life had taught me. The funny thing is I never even wanted to get married. I was woken up and given two choices, get married or get out. I was young naive and I thought I had to so I did.

So my foundation in romantic love was terrible, to say the least as to what I was conditioned to tolerate and endure and each relationship that followed carried the same pattern. Until I was done and gave up on love was I able to test boundaries and truly understand what I was looking for in a person and that I didn’t have to settle for the first person to show me attention.

I was taking care of myself this was my new beginning so when she asked to hang out that next night I had no idea that she was my storm to clear the pain away. She was my guy, she was the one I talked shit to at the end of a bad date, she was also my friend and we were so brutally honest and blunt with each other. Yes, she was sexy but I wasn’t interested like that at least I don’t think we were aware. When the back of our hands touched that night passion was ignored and life was on a hyper-speed course to somewhere.

We will leave it here, for now, it’s a long story. I solemnly swear my life is loving peaceful and good. I won’t allow anything less so when it is presented to me I have no choice other than to bring it to light and stop it from happening again.

Disowned.

I cannot honestly tell you how many times I have been disowned. Trust me it’s been plentiful. I cannot tell you how many countless times I’ve heard I was unwanted. Literally “I should have had an abortion with you as your father wanted me to.“ I remember hearing the first time when I was 3. Deemed the problem child and too much of a lost cause, yes that was done as well.

It’s no wonder why I can sit here and understand it all so well.

I love the word literally because it means as it is written or spoken. Verbatim. This is why I love words. Words have meanings, sometimes multiple meanings if you’re willing to look deeper. Regardless words hold power in their true meaning. So to live in a society where no one knows what the hell they’re saying is beyond frustrating. Worse yet is someone who mistakes how the word makes them feel for its meaning. The two are not the same. Then it brings up common sense and what the hell happened to it? Seriously things that were once common are now missing and we as a society are feeling it. We have lost touch with the heart of the matters as we traded love for a love of beauty. Yet we never asked in whose standards, they simply fed it to us and we greedily ate it up. Allowing it to destroy our men and women and children. Filling them with this false vision of unattainable perfection. Destroying our cultures, our self-value, self-worth, common decency and so much more. While they profited off selling a cure for all broken pieces they told us we had. It was never enough greed took over and family’s turned on each other tried to play one another against each other. Some sick popularity contest. All the while relieving their frustrations on the vulnerable ones who didn’t have a voice to speak out. Until now.