I was molested as a child by multiple people but one, in particular, was constant from ages beginning around 5 lasting until I was 14 years old. This was my maternal aunt’s husband who molested me. I don’t believe charges were ever brought forward. However the following year I attempted suicide because the family had found out and people treated me as a problem and my life went on a decline. Now as a 43-year-old woman with children of her own. I cannot sit here knowing my predator was never brought to justice and may be out there destroying other innocent children. I now understand the full impact of what childhood abuse and molestation create in a child. I cannot live in peace without bringing light to it. The truth is abuse has damaging effects regardless of whether you wish to acknowledge it or not. Until we can speak about it honestly and understand it’s why so many of us struggle. How can we ever hope to change it for those still suffering, simply because it’s not anyone’s problem? Isn’t it all of our responsibility to do the right thing for every child? Those who survived the trauma were blamed and misunderstood, we were made to hang our heads silently while pretending that it wasn’t killing us slowly. We had people hurt us, blame us, accuse us and then walk away and tell us it was our fault we became too much to invest in anymore. It may sound harsh but it’s the reality, what they didn’t take a moment to consider was how it was for us, how we had no concept of reality since everyone was manipulating our minds to use us to get what they wanted. We were mere objects for desire or pleasure a nice release from the stress of life for the adults in our lives. The roles I played were many… they enjoyed me for sexual gratification. I was used for stress relief in the physical form sometimes you just have to beat something up, a punching bag may have been too expensive. Emotional and mental torment was always fun. Psychological warfare was another childhood home regular as well as destruction of self-worth. Neglect we can’t forget that and the point is that here we are not learning not doing better not understanding that all the reasons I became a problem, was because of what was done to me. Why could no one be open to the perspective of a child who was abused and manipulated in every way? Those I needed the most abandoned me and I still don’t know why. I was highly overmedicated my entire adult life until 40 and on heavy narcotics and mind-altering substances to control my major depression disorder, my bipolar disorder, my agoraphobia, my suicidal past, my cutting, my overeating to compensate for the lack of love and support in my life. My mania, my coming out as a lesbian, my bad choices all became the only things you saw when you looked at me so you stopped looking and walked away. I still reach out but I can’t control the stories you believe nor do I wish to. However, understand that this is not being done in bitterness or anger it is being done because I won’t sit around silent while another child gets hurt or another grown woman ends her life because she was a child destroyed by the adults that were meant to protect her. Change starts somewhere and this is my contribution. So while it may be uncomfortable for those remembering the past events this isn’t about you. It is my absolute right to protect and fight for myself.
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 