As I stand in my truth, my power and full divinity.
As I honor myself as the maiden, mother and crone.

I stand now before the infinite divine and God, pledging this my vow to you.
I may stumble, I may falter on my journey.
With all that I am, I am committed to living free of fear, shame, blame, doubt, worry, anger, sadness and control.
Knowing that I stand in my divinity and living my divine soul purpose in love and truth.

My power is given from and to forces greater than myself. Knowing that if I falter or stumble the infinite divine and God will always be there to guide and support me. Through all I experience I am divinely protected and the love that is for me is infinite.

I am no longer affected by judgements of others, I see clearly the projections and reflections have nothing to do with me. I am a divine tool used to help others heal.

I trust my intuition and live from my heart, understanding that in the mind is where programming occurs and lingers and is not the way.

I hold joy and gratitude in my heart at all times, blessed by the beauty that surrounds me at all times. Regardless of any pain that is presented to me to further my growth I see there is beauty in it all.

I live a life of integrity and honor, knowing I owe nothing, yet I leave this and all places better than when I arrived.

I speak my truth at all times, this life is mine and the responsibility to do what is right falls solely on me. I will not wait to be saved or rescued. I save myself and those who are unable to save themselves as God and the divine will it to be.

I choose at all times to give to my soul what it calls for, while I create and love. Always honoring my progress.

I am gentle and loving with all the dark aspects that are a part of me, understanding above all that light will not exist without darkness. Nor will darkness exist without light and balance is key.

As I walk the path presented to me of my souls purpose. I know with all I am that God and the Infinite divine, bless, support, guide, protect and provide me more than I need at all times.

The power to call extra assistance is within me and I have a divine birth right to call upon it and bring it forth as I wish.

I know that all that is asked of me is to honor myself and have love, full trust and belief in myself, God and the infinite divine.

Its not always about being happy.

The flow of life can suck at times and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is this mindset running that life is supposed to be happy and cheery all the time..

In a perfect world it will be great…. However

We aren’t in a perfect world right now we are in a battle. Until people are held accountable, until pride and ego are taken down a couple notches and the old mindset dies out.

We must push forward and cause true change to happen. Right is right when right is right and just for all not some!! We have to make it make sense!

Our generation has made its mistakes, but we also gave our children freedom of thought and a louder voice then we were allowed.

The way we parented as much as we have our regrets and as many mistakes as we have made.. The pain our children endured while we forged our own path to clear the way for them wasn’t for nothing.

It was in pure love and a deep desire to make a better way then we had been given. The pain once it is worked through provides them the wisdom needed to prepare them to take the lead and break the outdated boundaries.

Our children are the arrows needed to reach the future!

Until each generation can open to different perspective and see that we’re all meant to work together and take our collective knowledge to create a beautiful synergy it won’t be achieved.

The foundations have long been set and it is being worked toward, we get further along the path with every story and voice that speaks out!

Change is upon us!

What I am perhaps I’ll never know. What I’m shown is what I wish I didn’t know. Perception is tricky and now I see you weren’t as down for me as you promised to be.

In ways absolutely yes you were down for me. That doesn’t erase the heartbreak that followed when the realization hit, I had trusted the wrong one with my precious soul. When we spoke and I said baby I have to fly can you hold me down and make sure you don’t stop the process… I asked can you handle it?

I said if not I wouldn’t go further you assured me that you could hold me down while I soared and then while I trusted I got pushed out of the door. You’re still here standing by my side but how can I trust you with me when it has all been based on lies?

These realizations and truths that have been spilling out show me a bigger picture and what it’s all about.

When you walked in I didn’t realize how many would walk out all that I had accomplished and achieved was slowly being taken away. Eventually always replaced by something better so it makes it really hard to say.

Did you come here to cause destruction or to clear it all away? Either way I can’t blame only you love without pain that I could feel on impact was a dream I had fought to keep alive. So let’s talk signs as we drive and as I write this Sabotage by the Beastie Boys comes on and I take a breath and pay attention to the writing on the wall.

If I stay will you be my biggest downfall? Love isn’t a question we both know it’s there but what else is hidden behind the premise of “I care”? If you believed in me as you said you did I wouldn’t be finding all of these truths you hid.

Now let’s look at your life since you walked in was it destructive too? Or was there a door opened for you? A door leading to all you have desired but could not gain on your own? Nicer newer cars, a nicer home vacations and experiences. While your quality of life substantially changed for the best my quality of life substantially decreased.

Others have their opinions and I can see where perceptions can get in the way but at the end of the day the facts are all that remain.

How can I stay when there is no trust, how can you expect to move forward when now I know I cannot trust you? What did you expect would happen when it all came to light?

Speaking My Truth :

Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible?

That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it. Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again.

This time from a different view point. You, I... it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame... perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified.

Changes in perception, brought about this revelation... I am no better than you or anyone. I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears....

For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right. Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved. What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally.

I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves. Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up.

I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us... especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”.

Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom.

Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity.

I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together. No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything.

Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow.

I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself. I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned.

My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will. Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified!

It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way... in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,
Tami Siegfried
11/14/2018

I miss you so much it hurts.

Today is your birthday and I’m not there.

I would give anything to get another chance.

My heart is breaking to miss these moments with you.

I didn’t see it happening.

I couldn’t stop it if I tried.

Now all I know are tears without you by my side.

I’m so afraid to open my mouth to speak

What if the words that come out escape me

What if I lose control and speak a language that nobody knows

What if I start again speaking in tongues how long before the law man comes

How long before I’m locked away in another place for the mentally spiritually insane

Perception is funny especially when based in fact to the one who speaks truth

The one who can choose to see only facts

When the emotions are removed in pursuit of a deeper truth

Which ways to seek the right and wrong of a world where justice doesn’t only not prevail but intentionally fails

Truth seekers are punished and shamed all so they can hold on to the old ways

Morals and values based on what system when the words they teach are spun into webs to connect the lies they force you to respect

Protect and serve oh lord the nerve

Only with the right color and right social status do they care

Anything less then white or wealthy is undesirable so trust in your ruin they won’t fail

They blame for acting out but no one wonders why or what brought it about

Lock you up and throw away the key that’s what they do even when you believe your free

Source of it all on you I do call tell me how to proceed when I’m so scared of another fall

Absolutely terrified to be myself I’ve walked so many times through these levels of hell now I’m lost

The wrong one not a son unwanted daughter of that one

How to leave the pain behind when I am so scared to step outside

Some would say paranoid but that isn’t the case

I learned first hands what it feels like to have them bruise your face heart and soul and smile at you as they do it because they know

Simply put born on the wrong side of the tracks gets you discredited for all that you lack

Raised in trauma and pain your life was never meant to be the same

Not simple not easy the cross you bare is heavy and greasy

So every time you begin to walk on your path you struggle to keep your footing

You stumble you crawl but each time you get up after the fall

So for the comfort and safety you live like your existence is a sin

Hiding your face away is the only thing that calms the fears that come each day

You have a choice continue this way hoping to fade away

Take a stand and say fuck you if it isn’t obvious by now I’m here to stay

So sit down my friend and pull up a chair

This story is familiar and one we all share

Share your truth it’s the only way to change it for the ones to come

This battle is old but together we can overcome

There has to be a better way better days ahead for everyone

For all not just some what was done in the darkness can be undone

What do you say when the words that are used are often misunderstood?

If we knew what they were truly saying to us, would it be so easily taken as good?

Change isn’t wanted when the comfort and complacency requirements are honored.

So they throw a bone and you happily sit at home, waiting on the world to end with all the love and light in your heart.

Quiet you stay and a new day never comes, things only change when we make them change.

Change is typically inspired by outrage, so what did they pay you to happily return to your cage?

A mother’s heart can destroy those she loves the absolute most without ever meaning to do so.

How do I know? Because to be honest I did it to my children but it goes as deep as perception and understanding will allow you to take it.

We all do it in some way, shape or form the sad reality is that it’s not even taken into account until far later in life.

Hold on my heart..

It hurts more then anything. When did I stop mattering to them? When did all the good of a lifetime disappear? When did they forget I’m their mom?

I made a new friend, in my new state. I was excited she came to my place, we talked and laughed just like old friends do. She checked on her kids, I tried to too.

They answered and they interacted just like we used to. I tried to call you but there was no getting through. I miss you so much I can’t even breath.

I’ve tried other ways to see it but everything you do says you want little to do with me. Maybe it’s a bad dream? Can someone please explain. I’m all alone drowning in my pain.

I wake up in the night trying to calm the river of tears. Unfortunately I wake to find it’s not a bad dream this reality is here and I’m unseen. Unwanted. In the way. I just never dreamed my kids would felt this way.

I realized as she pulled the visor down to block the sun from my eyes and the mirror was open.

I quickly shut it, I don’t want to see myself not like this. I can’t stand how broken I have become.

I think about how we say family, but truly what is family? Family is supposed to be there for you to build you up and give you a solid foundation to get ready for the world. Yet in my experience family is the first institution to break you.

Don’t get me wrong I’m sure it wasn’t the intention but man did they hit the nail on the head. I often question are some meant to be excluded from family?

Who determines who is worthy or being part of a family? Once the patriarch and matriarch have passed away who then gets to take the reigns and is it fair and just?

How many decisions in family life are based on perception rather than fact? Whose perception is right and whose is wrong?

See too often we think that wealth is a determining factor in the judgement of a person. Truly it is the last thing that should be measured when we speak on making judgement, as if judgement should ever be made at all.

How can you judge anyone? Do you have all the necessary and relevant information needed to make judgement on another?

Each person even within the same household does not have the same experience. Siblings may have similar experiences but not the same; in most cases siblings won’t even have the same relationship with each parent.

There are an infinite amount of different factors, but blame has no place here anymore. The only answer now is to change it and make it right for all involved. I know it’s hard to even wonder how that begins. Trust me when I say it’s easier then you think.

Damage has been done of that I’m sure. It can also be turned around at anytime, it only takes one person to open the door. It takes one voice to speak up and try and make a change.

Unfortunately we’re all so wrapped up in our own personal desires that we can’t stop to see what’s right. So one voice quivers and tries to take a stand, it gets really dark and cold in no mans land.

I drive around and see them the black sheep like me. The ones who are more problematic and it’s easier for their families just not to see, so they are cast out.

This unfortunately is an age old story written by many hands. Oddly when we read it in a book, see it in a movie or hear it in a song we root for the underdog.

In our own families though we don’t root and try to build up the underdog. We instead blame them for their problems, we tell them they don’t matter with every word unspoken. Ignore them and eventually they will go away.

The outcasts which refuse to fall in line, unfortunately they are troubled with the most beautifully brilliant minds. Could you imagine a world where we didn’t give up on our own? I can, I dream of it.

The same family that is hoping you go away, is the same family that will show up to your funeral for appearance sake. My question is this why come to a funeral and have all these lovely and profound things to say? Why cry and pretend you cared? We all have these family members and some are still right here, if you care enough to go to the funeral; it’s time to care enough to open a door! So why keep the silence going isn’t it deafening enough?