For me it’s about honoring who I am.

Honoring who came before me.

Honoring those who walk with me.

Honoring those who will come after me.

It is about remembering the truth over the lies that are preached to us.

It’s about honoring the one true God which is Love and is what I am.

It is about speaking my truth and saying the hard things that guide others into at times uncomfortable journeys of self discovery.

It is about learning to love all that comes with this journey.

The good the bad the heartbreaking and hard.

It is about seeing beauty in it all and transforming it into love.

If you ask me what it’s all about.. I will smile and say it’s the way back to the truth, to God, to love.

Her hands weathered..

She thinks she is getting old..

What she doesn’t realize is that she is pure gold..

Her pain pours out as she sings those songs..

Her laughter infectious, from her heart she spreads love..

Her passion so forceful it penetrates you with ease..

Every time she thinks she’s losing, she heals the disease..

Her doubt opens the gateways that holds the parts of her that she wishes to hide away…

Why can’t she see those are the most beautiful parts, they illuminate her way…

Her fear projects her deepest healing abilities…

As she heals others from what she had to live through and now can see….

Always in a belief that she is on the edge she doesn’t realize that she is the glory..

Her loneliness has called the destructive love in…

Her solace is now found in only those she will choose..

No more is she a victim her strength is alive, she has taken it back all of her power through space and time now she succeeds at all she was put here to do….

Now she doesn’t need anything else to bring her to life..

she now knows she has all the power she needs inside!

Love is what we called it but in pain is how we grew it..

The time we spent it wasn’t heaven sent it was my descent..

into the darkness and truth.

No longer could I hide away from the pieces of me I didn’t want to see..

everywhere I turned there was no exit to free…

I had to go within to take a deeper look at all the pieces that made me.. me.

Going deep within was the only way to be free.

This year has truly been a beautiful blessing. Yes I struggle, no I don’t have everything but what I do have I am blessed with. I have a home filled with laughter and peace 99.8% of the time and when it gets hard it’s still peaceful and safe. This year has cleared away what isn’t meant for me, it has forced me to see the truth and to stop settling for less than I deserve to make others comfortable while I stuff down pain to keep the peace I didn’t disturbed. It taught me the absolute importance of honoring myself and speaking my truth. I showed me caring and patience and unlikely hero’s who stepped out of their own pain to show me there is always hope. I have made new friends and soul ties and rekindled relationships from a place of healing while maintaining my integrity and truth. I am so absolutely blessed to have had this year. It has shown me that love doesn’t hurt. It taught me that no matter how much I stress something it will absolutely in no way change the outcome but it will always take my peace. This year has above all taught me that having trust and faith in god and the universe always means success even If it means not getting what you thought you wanted. I love you all and I hope you can look back on this year and see it through eyes of love, while you truly realize how far you have come! I love you all and am so proud of all that have crossed my path. Even if we don’t talk and you know longer have access to me I am still cheering for you! ❤️💯❤️

My life isn’t perfect.

I have bills and I have stress.

One thing I am certain of….

Is my life is truly blessed.

I have a love that is good with me.

Yes with me as a whole.

Together we are redefining love as we’ve known..

I never realized how simple life could truly be..

Until I focused on the healing that I didn’t want to need ..

Falling in love with myself and focusing on me!

Learning to love yourself is trying at the least….

When you believed your entire life what others said you were or weren’t meant to be….

Going inward and being present now…

Gave me the strength to allow my power to show..

This is my life, I write my story as I go!

When you are the author of your book of life…

You take back the power.

No one gets to tell you what’s wrong or right.

It is your life do with it as you please…

The code is truly simple.

Strive to be the person you dream to be!

Walk in light..

Speak your truth..

Lead in love..

Help others whenever you can..

Do what is best for you!

Like it has been said so many times before …..

To thine own self be true!

In which life did I do it? I’m trying to remember which life exactly it was when I placed my hearts desire into source and was presented you… I know it was many lives ago, perhaps the very beginning of it all.

It’s funny to think back on the story of us and how we were nothing more then friends. I have to laugh so many serendipitous moments.. Now I sit here… Smiling, laughing and at peace. I don’t know when it shifted, when I stepped out of fear and uncertainty and trusted that I am beautifully blessed, happy and absolutely deserving of it.

I know it’s nothing I can lose, I found it within me and then came you.. and now life is like nothing I have ever been used to!

Laughing and smiling… joking around with you.. it’s not something we do.. with you it’s a way of life. I don’t know that it could be any other way, even on the bad days it still is a good day.

This was a gift.

With the work you did succeed.

It was given to remove you from the pain you couldn’t leave.

Trust in it now as you trust in me.

It was all foretold the way to set you free.

Struggles were hard others this is true.

Not all will make it as far as you.

Some have failed no truth to be seen.

Some no light only a stone where love should be.

Some so blinded by glitter and gold.

Never could be bothered with the stories you told.

Channeled message.

Wear the mask.

Sing the song.

Eat the cancer.

Move it along.

Jagged knives cut you deep.

We want the secrets that you keep.

Bound and Tied we are to you.

Yet we always seek the truth.

We see it all now can’t you tell.

We reclaimed our power.

Away you fell.

The rise of the collective.

Release the lost souls.

It is time the battle unfolds.

Yet here I sit balling my eyes out.

It was honestly a very innocent statement but one that triggered such a deep pain within me..

Ask your dad, that was simply all that was said.. and My God how that triggered such anger I bit my tongue and childishly put my pillow between us so that she couldn’t she the tears.

I couldn’t keep my composure at 5:55 am.

A conversation that began with such excitement about the events I was planning with such joy and anticipation for my own children, now had me in a place of such hurt and heartache.. tears flowing like a water fall and a nose that wouldn’t stop running, legitimately in the 3 seconds it took her to say ask your dad, I was taken from 41 year old adult. Tami the healer, wise and understanding to 4 year old Tami, lost and alone and then to 18 year old Tami, unwanted and discarded as the inconvenience.

Before I let my anger get the better of me I walked outside and smoked a cigarette.. trying to catch my composure which only made it worse.. once I was out of ear shot it all came flowing out..

So here I am tears and snot and I can’t hold it back.. ask my dad…WTF ask my dad.. oh the one who didn’t want me and walked away times before.. the one who I just began rebuilding a relationship with after 20 years of being absent after the last disaster reunion.. ask my dad the one who walked away telling me I was an inconvenience shortly after meeting for the first time at 18 years old.. that one? I guess in my trying to forgive and come to terms with the past and make a amends, I did a really good job of hiding away the pain and torment of what not having my dad did to me… you don’t understand while I claim him I am very aware that truly that is one sided and still I try.

I don’t have that dad you know the one I can turn to and count on.. I don’t have a dad I can turn to and say hey dad I need help and have any confidence that he will be there.. if I do I surely don’t know it… no instead I grew up being not only told but shown that I was unwanted and a burden.. I grew up knowing that my existence was enough to make him leave.. ask my dad… I can’t because that would guarantee his departure from my life yet again and this time I had gone ahead and involved my children.

I don’t place blame it is what it is and it sucked yes but it wasn’t only my dad that did it.. I have been broken by those who we meant to protect me.. and no this is not me playing the victim it is how it goes sometimes and I don’t regret it because it made me who I am but that credit goes to me alone. I knew words like abortion and that both my parents wanted to have one when it came to me by the time I was 4 and I was a thing I was regularly reminded of and no i don’t blame either.. they were young stupid and struggling themselves I’m sure but still this is something no child should have to endure.

So when she said ask your dad it broke the lock holding the pain in… It’s not even her fault I don’t show how badly it affected me.. I try to remain on the side of hope and forgiveness but wow I was thrown right out of that false comfort this morning.. literally all I had ever known first hand to be true of asking my dad for anything at all, including time and effort.. was the equivalent of me holding the door open as he walked away. I wish this was something that had been implanted in my mind rather then something I knew first hand out of his own mouth so many years ago.. but sadly I don’t have that lie to comfort me.

Really today my blog is just a sounding board for me and a safe place to release the pain.. I am not perfect, I struggle and I fall but trust that I pick myself up every time. While I can’t ask my dad, what I can absofuckinglutely do is make sure MY CHILDREN KNOW THEY CAN ALWAYS ASK THEIR MOM WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF ME LEAVING.

It was up to me to break this cycle and for myself and my children that is what I did and Continue to do.. no I don’t have control over anyone else in their lives but I probably over compensate for those who haven’t broken their toxic cycles and I make sure they know the truth of their existence! Regardless of who is their… they were always wanted.. relationships don’t work but fuck these two are so loved… shit gets hard people make choices they need to in order to survive the day, but with them in my life, suddenly my life became a life worth living. I tell them I love them literally all the time and I’m sure they get tired of hearing it, but while I’m alive or when I die.. one thing I’m sure of is that if you ask my kids one thing they know for certain.. I can bet my life that their answer will be how absolutely loved and wanted they are.

As for me I don’t know what will come of this new found relationship with my dad, what I do know is that I have learned not to set any expectations because without expectations he can’t hurt me anymore. I take it as it comes and enjoy it while it’s here and I do give credit to my mom probably less then she deserves.. because shit while she broke my heart and spirit and I broke her heart constantly asking while for my dad since I could speak… not seeing then that she carried the burden alone.. herself sick, lost, young, heartbroken and tired and with a baby.

I know regardless she loved me the best she could and even when it was bad I know she loves me and I can ask my mom. I also know that my dad loves me in his own way and maybe one day I can ask my dad. Either way I got me and I will always have my kids!

I don’t know how any of this will be received.. nor do I care. I can only speak my truth and hope that it helps another to see that they aren’t alone. Hopefully it can inspire healing and change. Either way I am speaking my truth and honoring my soul.

Trust me I can’t preach it enough..

Parents often don’t realize the damage they do to their children and children often don’t understand that their parents were just fucked up kids trying to figure it out. That isn’t an excuse.. but it is the truth. We need to break the cycles and give better then we have known. We need to step up and give to what we create what we wish we had and what we needed as we were growing up.. it is the only way to end the cycle.

As I stand in my truth, my power and full divinity.

As I honor myself as the maiden, mother and crone.

I stand now before the infinite divine and God, pledging this my vow to you.

I may stumble, I may falter on my journey.

With all that I am, I am committed to living free of fear, shame, blame, doubt, worry, anger, sadness and control.

Knowing that I stand in my divinity and living my divine soul purpose in love and truth.

My power is given from and to forces greater than myself. Knowing that if I falter or stumble the infinite divine and God will always be there to guide and support me. Through all I experience I am divinely protected and the love that is for me is infinite.

I am no longer affected by judgements of others, I see clearly the projections and reflections have nothing to do with me. I am a divine tool used to help others heal.

I trust my intuition and live from my heart, understanding that in the mind is where programming occurs and lingers and is not the way.

I hold joy and gratitude in my heart at all times, blessed by the beauty that surrounds me at all times. Regardless of any pain that is presented to me to further my growth I see there is beauty in it all.

I live a life of integrity and honor, knowing I owe nothing, yet I leave this and all places better than when I arrived.

I speak my truth at all times, this life is mine and the responsibility to do what is right falls solely on me. I will not wait to be saved or rescued. I save myself and those who are unable to save themselves as God and the divine will it to be.

I choose at all times to give to my soul what it calls for, while I create and love. Always honoring my progress.

I am gentle and loving with all the dark aspects that are a part of me, understanding above all that light will not exist without darkness. Nor will darkness exist without light and balance is key.

As I walk the path presented to me of my souls purpose. I know with all I am that God and the Infinite divine, bless, support, guide, protect and provide me more than I need at all times.

The power to call extra assistance is within me and I have a divine birth right to call upon it and bring it forth as I wish.

I know that all that is asked of me is to honor myself and have love, full trust and belief in myself, God and the infinite divine.