You asked for nothing but time to show me…

I granted you what you asked for without saying a word.

I didn’t tell you that this was your chance to show me what you wanted me to see.

I shouldn’t have had to say it, after all it was you who asked… So I stayed quiet, I kept forward movement, I continued progressing and watched you be you.

I am not disappointed or upset, I already knew what would come and yet I gave you the chance you asked for.

You didn’t run with it, you didn’t thrive you stayed complacent and in fear. You also didn’t lie and for that I am grateful you showed me the only you that you know how to be and that is beautiful but none the less not for me.

You can find me somewhere, any place but here. I have been here too long, I tried waiting my dear.

You can find me somewhere, where truth is spoken and lies don’t exist. The place where dreams are your existence and you’re only a single choice from a blessed new life.

You can find me somewhere where it is quiet and calm, there is no fussing no one fights so long ago we gave up the desire to be right.

You can find me somewhere, in the place in between here and the fantasy of all that is to be.

You can find me somewhere under the moon, laughing and dancing until the sun warms me at noon.

You can find me in the place where Atlantis is a 5 minute sail away and we live in Gods good graces for all of our days.

You can find me no where unless I want to be found, when you’re ready I left the map within your soul… so tell me do you think you are ever coming around?

Confusions turn to conclusions….

No judgements, just endings…

It’s not you it’s me, it’s not me it’s you.. the truth of its life. It’s complacency and fear, it’s the stop, go, stay, don’t say, don’t rock the boat, ignore it until it goes away. The deprogramming from it all.

To the ever changing force that I am, it’s not the life for everyone and trust me I understand it. But this life isn’t everyone’s it is mine.

I can’t stop won’t stop, I take the risk, I keep pushing forward, burnout, hideaway, Stand up, stand out, go against the flow, speak out loud, rock the boat.. I am that one the one who says fuck let’s knock it over if it isn’t right. I Stand up, face it, fall down then learn and stand the fuck back up. I call it what it is. I won’t ever stay the stuck.

The potential for destruction vs probability for success, to be honest it doesn’t matter. The desire, the motivation, that fucking feeling that excitement that shit that makes you feel alive.. it’s what we desire and it’s worth the price we are willing to pay.

There are so many ways people try to get that feeling.. yes it may look to some, that others choose a more destructive then others but that is a judgment reserved for the blind eye. Still I will tell you it’s all the same. Call it what you want love, drugs, fight or flight, trauma, religion, boss status, healing, spirituality.. there is endless ways to name it but it all boils down to one thing. The need to feel alive at whatever cost.

Do with this what you will, I’m only speaking my truth, I’m not saying it’s yours too I’m saying it’s mine and I love it.

Who is to say what’s is right and what is wrong for anyone else?

In my eyes too little, too late.. but nice touch of guilt.

It makes it easier to tell you what I need too…

if you go you go it’s done anyway..

I’m not doing any of this to hurt you.

Everything that is going on is absolutely all about me and finding what is right for me.

This could absolutely turn out to be a lesson that I didn’t need to learn.

It could also be the best choice for us…

I wanted to read so I grabbed a book I haven’t devoured yet. I lay in bed messy hair tear streaked makeup face and my cute pink angel nightdress and I open the book… For the first time since the dreaded fucking talk that I made happen, to end the almost perfect fairytale relationship I was in with someone who is amazing almost perfect, my mind was still and quiet which meant I could reflect.

That is the exact moment I realized I couldn’t breath, because my heart chakra was throbbing so deeply. So I put the book down and I walked into the bathroom because a shamans bath would be great right now…. you have got to be kidding me I am out of salt.

I meditate and ask for a sign, the signs point to good things coming. I’ll take it a victory is a victory especially when you have crystals holding your heart together. I glance over and she is folding laundry, I don’t think she is sure how to act. she is not talkative and a bit distant however she is also always respectful. It dawns on me that now we’re in this awkward ass limbo where she is kind of acting like this whole day didn’t even happen.

Is she really gonna pretend that we didn’t just break up?! So ok she takes to dog out and calls to tell me something it’s the first time the conversation doesn’t end with I love you and it sucks. Not for any other reason then I do love her she is great, I just love me more and I owe it to myself to honor myself.

She comes back with the dog and a nutrageous because it’s my kryptonite and after this shit I’m in comfort mode, abs well she knows me.

I make her favorite meal like I’m on auto pilot I wanted her to be comforted too.

We eat together as a family, the kids joke back and forth with each other we laugh. This shit sucks and was way easier in other relationships… you know the angry, toxic, painful, unhealed relationships.. it was hard yes but easy to end you got to a point and it’s was like fuck this, fuck you, fuck it.. I’m done.

This isn’t like that at all which is what makes it fucking harder.. this is a it’s great you’re amazing, but i have a mission and there are things I continue to speak on that don’t shift and it hurts my soul… This is….I can’t be complacent, stuck or stagnant, I have a divine mission. This is….vibe up, grow and evolve with me or I need to release you.

This sucks…..

I went inward on a deeper journey to heal my inner child I was reduced to tears by her beliefs…

At first I was presented with a large dark shadow full of rage. As the crying and questioning continued, and I fully allowed myself to accept all that was there, the abuse, molestations (yes plural by many), the rapes. Finally the shadow slowly reduced down to a little girl with a dirty face. She was me at about 4 years old she was wearing a white undershirt that was stained and ripped and panties that were in the same condition. Her face not only dirty but tear streaked and her hair a tangled mess. We spoke for a long while of all that she had endured in my 41 years of life. The thing that still lingers is the fact that when I asked her name she replied with “dirty” and hung her head in shame. Through it all she stayed back so that the woman I was becoming would emerge. I wasn’t able to get to her sooner, because it took me until I was 35 to consciously stop allowing people to do what they wished to me. It would then be another 5 years at around 40 years old when I also stopped allowing it on a subconcious level. Now I sit and reflect on all that has happened for me and how the programming and mindfucks we are taught are so deeply damaging yet beautiful. The reasons we allow what we do as adults is absolutely tied into what we had no choice in as children. Yet we stay in these patterns for far too long because even when consciously we heal it, beginning to understand it. We are still tested with those who want what they want, to them you’re not a person but a prize to be taken. They will pick those cracks in your healing until they find a way in. They prey on your fear, they manipulate you because they desire the light you are. Yes you lose friendships and relationships when the cracks they have picked start giving way to the light, power and divinity you are. You can no longer accept anything less than what is right on a soul level. So much so that the shy quiet voice raises and rumbles so loudly it shakes the universe. Shining a light so brightly that others find their key to begin healing.

That little girl healed and integrated back to my heart, she knows her name isn’t dirty and her gift to me was letting me know that her name is Warrior.

The truth is you can’t go back, I am also not pushing or rushing no matter how you may receive this. I am simply coming to a realization… you could say it was this or that but in all reality… it’s simply because it’s not what you want. To be honest AF… I am so good with that, I know what it is. I don’t want to waste my time or energy and I have been sounding like a broken record for far too long.

You can’t go from talks of marriage to a slow fizzle down and then straight to dodging questions pertaining to the why’s and what of our relationship.

I know you don’t know who you are fully or why life is the way it is or where and what you want to do and that is why I release you to go figure you out and live your best life, no regrets simply no more wasted time.

You were one of the better lessons the one that didn’t hurt and that is the hardest part.

I loved you so much.

I wasn’t in love with you.

I loved the person I saw you hoped to be.

Then I stood by your side and watched you not make any moves to get there.

I knew I couldn’t stay holding space for you

It wasn’t my job.

Holding space for you kept me back from where I needed to be.

I wanted for this to work but I kept finding that my soul wasn’t at rest.

I know what that the path I walk is one that I walk alone for now.

I have to get myself right.

I have a divine mission and I can’t stop I won’t stop.

You are wonderful and deserving of a beautiful love but you have to give that to yourself before you can get it from anyone else.

You have to find who you are and walk your path.

What we desire and dream of isn’t aligned.

So you have either awakened on your own, or you were so uncomfortably numb stuck pretending you were happy, that you found yourself suddenly with your life turned upside down.. With you staring upwards wondering what the fuck just happened.

Was everything suddenly taken away? Did you find yourself suddenly facing struggles and hardships perhaps you feel you’re all alone like it doesn’t matter to anyone?

If this is you…. let me help you understand. You are being forced to evolve, to grow and to get yourself out of the situations that are stopping you from healing yourself. Life, God, The infinite Divine, your higher self is calling for you to stop existing and start making changes!

Yes right now it feels hopeless but I promise it isn’t… now you may be wondering who the hell am I, what do I know… so let me tell you I am you, I have been through it.

There truly is hope, things will get better, you are strong, you are powerful and you will have happiness and peace again. It begins with you.. you have to be so honest with yourself , take a good look at who you truly are and ask is this what you wanted for your life.. Then make changes start small if you have to but start!

Take time to look into meditation, question everything if you haven’t already and ask yourself if your doing what is making you happy or are you still trying to please everyone else and ignoring your soul’s cries for more.

As for me.. I thought after the life of abuse in every aspect, molestation and rape.. that I was finally on top of the world or so I believed, kick ass career, vacations multiple times a year, weekend trips almost every weekend, designer everything, new cars. I was literally so stuck in the matrix consumerism and bragging rights was everything that spoke to the world of success. I was doing what everyone else wanted me to do,because I just wanted to make everyone happy and let’s be honest I didn’t love or respect myself. Refusing to truly heal and understand what my life was teaching me, I was constantly giving my all and accepting any crumbs that were thrown my way while I called it love.

Out of the blue my life changed I was on narcotics for major medical problems my health was failing, I was over 300lbs, I was miserable, I wanted to die, I was in a heartbreaking relationship and then in the blink of an eye I was homeless with my partner and my two kids. I blew through my 401k, savings hell even my HSA… so I sat in a hotel with my family knowing the money was running out and I prayed as I broke down and I knew I couldn’t stay in Pennsylvania.

I had to love myself and my family enough to get away from the patterns I had been so accustomed to accepting. I finally listened to my heart and soul, I trusted my intuition completely, I trusted my faith in God, the Divine and in my angels and when I saw a picture of NC I knew we had to go and start over. I started over with nothing other than what we were able to grab in a 2 hour notice and time frame.

Time to stop crying, start growing and time to heal. Change was here and I could evolve or die…. I was in my 30’s, I had begun to love myself enough to finally realize that no matter how much I loved anyone it wasn’t ok for everyone to use abuse and throw me away anymore. So I walked away and learned to love from afar and no longer accept the things people wanted to do to me… it didn’t happen all at once but I made the move, it was a start.

When we got to NC we knew absolutely no one.. Hell even my income tax return was intercepted for my student loan..but still we were lucky enough to take the last bit of money in my account to secure an apartment. We didn’t have food, beds, towels, we had the exact amount for the security deposit and rent. We basically had a few bags of clothes and some personal items.. but everyday by the grace of god we rebuilt, I was still in a toxic relationship we were both on legal Physician prescribed narcotics.. but now my partner was worse then before and all the promises didn’t mean a damn thing.. more heartbreak and pain.. I knew I had to get off of the narcotics and I did exactly that. After decades I weaned myself off in three weeks and didn’t replace it with anything other then the occasional CBD gummy for anxiety.

The relationship was beyond destroyed and I knew if I stayed I would end my own life, I had two kids so I couldn’t do it.. I ended up ending it and took time to look at the person I had become. Shadow work, meditation and healing was my prime focus.

So yes it is hard it is scary but there is absolutely better days coming. You just have to keep pushing forward. I still heal and learn that is never ending.. Now as I am approaching my 41st birthday, I have my own business, I am surrounded by those that love me truly and with a selfless love, I don’t entertain selfish love in my life anymore. I sit on my balcony over looking the pool, I smile and as I talk to my clients and help them through life’s trials and tell them about the beauty that life holds and watch them reach their goals my heart is so abundantly blessed and I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude for the everyday angels and blessings that helped to give me hope as I had the strength to continue to live when I could barely go on.

Take a step no matter how small, don’t give up, find your strength. Love yourself, heal from the trauma, live from the heart, speak your truth, walk in light and if you aren’t in a position to help others struggling at least don’t ever hurt them.

Never look down on anyone, unless it’s to lift them up.. because you have no idea of what anyone else is going through.

Do you ever find yourself having a innocent conversation with someone, then suddenly it takes an ugly turn and you sit in disbelief… just wondering what has happened ?

Let’s be real this is part of life, so when you find yourself in the middle of it just breath.. Take a moment to understand that people are hurting and living in fear. Unfortunately when this happens they project it onto the first person who they grab.

Just know that above all it has not a thing to do with you and as you look back over the course of whatever the relationship was, you will see that this was a gift a beautiful lesson, wish them well and remember the good that came of it.

Often times we internalize what is being thrown at as we try and make others issues our own. This is not why this is happening for you! This is happening to make way for an ending to make room for amazing things to come!

Remember you are the most important person in the room. Although there will be times that others want to project their shit on you, you are in no way under any obligation to accept it.

Take accountability and responsibility for what you have done and don’t worry about the rest, life has a way of sorting such things out. Speak your truth always, live in love and light but take no shit.

There is no reason or need to try and dim another’s light, or try to get someone to hear what you have to say, your heart and intentions speak for you, stand in your divinity and don’t lower your vibration.. the truth always comes out.