I never agreed with how we were told it was to be. I’m a different breed I suppose, not a martyr, just one who couldn’t grasp the concept that no matter how many times someone hurts you that you stop loving them. Truth be told if I love/loved you in anyway and you hurt, betrayed or tried to destroy me, I still love you and I always will.

I can’t turn off my love, I love you as painful as it was to say goodbye to you. I had to start loving you from afar. I came to a understanding early that just because I love you it doesn’t make it ok for you to hurt me repeatedly, so I had to walk away.

Yes I still love you and I think of you at random times and I wish you all the best in your life. I wonder how you are and if life is good, regardless of all you did or didn’t do I am aware that it’s a two way street with a lot of outside influences driving by with their opinions.

Occasionally I may even reach out if I hear something is wrong and that your going through it, this time it’s with strict boundaries in place. I am the master of my happiness and I have that key on me at all times. You can’t affect me like you once did,

I love you still and I honor every relationship I have ever had no matter how painful, because of them I learned who I am.

So to anyone who is no longer in my life, don’t sit with loss or fear of retribution when you think of all that occurred between us. I have no ill wishes or intent, I have no desire for revenge. I still love you, but I love myself more.

I truly am rooting for your healing and happiness. I am living my best life and I am forever grateful for the lessons we taught each other.

This is an original 1/2011

I’m insanely emotional I trust with all I am and I say I love you endlessly, I get sad I get angry I am literally a hurricane a force of nature but I am real and I give all I am and set myself up for pain when people don’t respond with the same love, I worry I go above and beyond to do all I can because I can’t survive it with my whole self when I’m unwanted I lose a little piece of myself to the endless darkness with extreme chaos and pain that you would call my mind I call

It my prison, my prison where I hear I’m not worthy of love that I’m not enough that I am a failure and will never be enough, that I am nothing more than a piece of garbage that you can use for whatever you please because lord knows everyone else has, I get insecure and it terrifies me. I am the one who will push you away when I get hurt because you leaving is inevitable so I rather have the badge that says I left you and you didn’t leave me because it’s so much easier than accepting the fact that I’m not worthy of your love attention and affection and no these fears aren’t only reserved for a lover they are for everyone I love so it really is a battlefield in my head at all times, the slightest deviation in your breath and I panic is today the day that I will bother you too much and your realize it’s time to throw me away because I’m not worth it, like so many before? Most people look back and have happy memories but not me I think back to as young as I can remember and ask why so much pain I knew I wasn’t wanted from the moment I understood words, cumrag,victim, punching bag, not worthy of affection, bother, play thing , servant, never good enough. You didn’t kill me not completely although so many set out to destroy me you didn’t succeed you broke me yes I’ll give you all that but I survived because there was one thing you didn’t count on while you counted me out. I am a survivor and I took everything that was ever done again and I wrote it down as if I was using a play book and one by one I crossed out the vile hateful things that you did and wanted me to be and I knew what never to do, I knew that I could never be the things you did to me and I stopped letting acts of hate define and I rebuilt from bottom up and for every hateful thing I strived to do two times the acts of kindness because it made my heart sing, feed the homeless, clothe the cold and naked, protect the children that need me, random acts of kindness for no reason other than to help, sing and dance learn to smile and trust, raise my children to know that they are forever worthy and so incredibly loved and always protected, never allow that hateful vile things that went on in my life to ever come anywhere near there precious existence. I am not a victim I am a survivor I was born to make things better and that is who I am.

Original work by: Tamara Siegfried

Speaking My Truth :

Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible? That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it.

Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again. This time from a different view point.

You, I… it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame… perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified.

Changes in perception, brought about this revelation… I am no better than you or anyone.

I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears…. For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right.

Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved.

What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally. I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves.

Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up.

I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us… especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”. Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom.

Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity. I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together.

No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything. Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow.

I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself.

I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned. My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will.

Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified!

It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way… in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,

Tami Siegfried

11/14/16

She was all I ever wanted…

she was everything, she took my breath away the second I looked into her eyes I knew I was done for, those green/hazel/steel ever changing eyes that had captivated me from the very instant they met mine. Her smile that screamed of cocky arrogance, confidence, fear and uncertainty all in one she is magnificent and yes I say is because with my heart this is how I still see her. Her hair was long and curly always pulled back with a fitted cap because god forbid the slightest bit of femininity come through where she can prevent it because she wants the world to see her as anything other than weak damaged broken or fragile but that is exactly who she is and I saw it right away and I was more than content to be her safety and she was protective and strong all the same it was a beautiful disaster right from the start and I was trapped in this illusion, that her and I could conquer it all, I trusted her from the very start like I had trusted no one before and I love her still now and I only want to go back to the days where every thing fell apart and pick up those fucked up pieces and glue us back together because how do I even begin to know me when I am so lost in you, I call for you but you don’t hear me anymore even when your looking right at me. So many promises broken this once amazing empire has been ripped apart piece by piece and you don’t even care to stop it from being completely demolished you are the only one who has the power to stop the fall of our love but instead of taking accountability your too busy trying to place blame and convince the three who love you most that you haven’t transferred all of your soul, love and attention to pills oxy perc for what a temporary relief from the pain your parents inflicted when they should have been instilling love, trust and reassuring you that the monsters under your bed didn’t stand a chance. I am sorry for that but your not alone in this pain I lived it too and still I’m here reassuring you and trying to be by your side but you come and go and I’m cold and alone and our house is more of a battlefield than a home and with you I’m bad for everybody because I find it hard to not want the cold hard sharp metal on my skin to bring down any feeling at all and that warm familiar sensation dripping and still I fight even with no fight left in me because this last year has drained me of everything and I search for reasons and I see the faces of my babies and I stand and wipe myself off, I fall to my knees crying shaking and I get up only to fall again and I grab hold and stand, I won’t give up.

2/2014

I tell everyone I love stay out of your head it is a beautiful liar that will destroy everything. Live from your heart and your intuition.

You can find reasons to not move forward, they are everywhere. Or you can simply just start something new.

No I won’t bullshit myself or you, this week has been hard the energies insane. New tests, end of cycles, old wounds coming up for healing again in different ways, that brought feelings of uncertainty and that made me fear failure.

I was in and out of good vibes and low times and that is absolutely okay! It’s what I needed while I worked through it. Clarity comes when you’re open and when it came to me I was great for a few hours and then I set myself up for failure.. I had so much trust and belief that something amazing was going to happen in my life at that moment that when it ended up being just another day I was heart broken.

I took away from myself the opportunity to see the beauty that was unfolding all around me. Instead I was back in a place of fear and worry… this is also absolutely okay! This time I didn’t throw the pity party. I actually started to feel like I was failing and not reaching my goals because fuck let’s be honest we are our own worst critic. I started questioning everything and I couldn’t contain my tears anymore.

So I did what any self respecting spiritualist would do, I called my best friend crying, I threw my head on my girlfriends shoulder and asked my kids to get me a banana split. I still heal it is honestly never ending.

I took a moment to breathe I realized why it was hitting me all so hard. When you have endured and thrived your entire life despite all the attempts to crush & destroy you. When you spend decades healing and find your strength, when you raise yourself up and live in your truth & knowing. Things happen to show you life is still life and sometimes it hurts. Yes it may hurt but it is in a different way, it doesn’t hurt as long and I have found it gets worked through easily but it needs to be worked through and honored just the same.

Long story short.. I am no better than you, you are no better than me. We all hurt and yes we become better versions of ourselves everyday if we try, but the real truth is healers and those you seek for wisdom have off days too. Anyone who tells you they don’t is simply trying to speak it into existence..

Things can be scary, we still struggle, everyday tasks, bills and responsibilities build up, life is expensive and things happen. IT NEVER MEANS THAT YOUR FAILING!! Don’t let a bad moment make you forget that you are AMAZING! You are doing great! You are making a difference. Your love saves lives. So never be afraid to speak your truth even if it’s messy, trust me the truth gives healing to those who are seeking. It doesn’t matter what part of our spiritual journey we are on, what matters is that we are authentic and loving. We are in this together.

I love you so much and you need to know it’s going to be better than you could have imagined it. You just keep being the authentic you! Remember your light shines the way for those stuck in the dark.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton