The pain hits I notice I feel it all starting to come up with a vengeance.
I don’t understand what’s happening or what triggered it and then I stop light a blunt and I stop and think.
I understand absolutely how addiction came to be in my life.
Life makes you want to die when you don’t have the right foundation needed to thrive, so you numb the pain away in a attempt to allow your life to continue for another day.
When you’re dead you can’t comeback at least you’re still fighting now let’s find out how to heal that pain so we no longer need to numb ourselves just to survive this existence.
There is nothing I can say or do that can undo what’s been done, I cannot mend what I did not break.
I can help you put the pieces back but I cannot do it for you, this is your life, your journey.
I’m so sorry you are hurt I truly am it was never my intention that those who I brought in would hurt you.
I believed they loved us, I’m sorry I didn’t see it before the damage was done.
I’m here because I love you, when you truly love you don’t leave you begin to understand why the person you love acts the way they do and if love is true you help them understand so that they can conquer their demons.
I know my decisions impacted your future the same as the generations before me did. What I did try to not do is treat you how I was treated, yes I hurt you, yes I made mistakes and for that I am sorry.
I was a hurt child myself doing the best I could in a place that wasn’t healthy yet I did the best I could to give you everything I had especially all of my love and support.
I never claimed perfection and I know my choices and ignorance have caused you pain it was never intentionally.
Understand as I love you and will never abuse you, I love myself absolutely and I can’t allow anyone to treat me in the way the abusers in my life have treated me ever again.
I refuse to accept anything less then the love I give.
I hear your words they don’t match your actions, I see and feel your pain but I cannot change what you feel when I am not the one who is causing your current hurt.
I am however ready when you want to release the pain I have caused you, I’m also here to help you sort out what belongs to who.
I understand that the pain is too much to bear so you lash out in defense feeling as if you have to protect yourself I do it too. The difference is, I only do it when someone is intentionally being cruel you’re doing it to cause pain because you’re still hurting.
What we do is not the same.
I educate so that the abuse stops you react in anger and further spread confusion and pain.
You must seek and find the truth now and free yourself from the stories you made yourself believe, look at the facts and see the reality.
I say what I mean and mean what I say, life will be better when honesty is the only way. To say things simply for shock value without meaning it doesn’t make sense why lie and then get mad when people don’t trust the words you say?
No more deceptive behaviors will allowed to continue we will call it out to stop these cycles of pain from continuing.
Ignorance must die the truth will set us free to make choices from an informed place where we can understand the consequences of our actions and make informed decisions.
The future is in our hands and we know history repeats if you’re unable to stand and help us fight for a better tomorrow for all I understand absolutely, if you cannot help at least learn to listen when you speak on what you don’t understand in frustration all you do is cause pain and distance.
I killed a part of myself today yet not in a usual way, no one took notice I’m sad to say.
I can’t blame them the part of me that died today no one else knew existed it was the part of me that came alive when I was with you. You didn’t know it happened and you will never mourn because you walked away from me after telling me you loved me and you would always be there.
I had already learned that your actions and your words rarely ring true. It was the same pattern that had been shown to me so many times before not only by you, truthfully by everyone who had ever walked through a door and into my life.
I had to wonder if it was me and took a good look at my time here.
I realized i was damaged by the traumas of the past.
I loved to much and I cared to deeply, love was always looking to protect the ones who wished to destroy and deceive me.
Love to me isn’t a game like many who chose to play it believe it be.
Love is a bond built on truth and vulnerability how can I trust me with you when you don’t even know what love is supposed to do?
How can I simply be me when you get threatened by what that means for you? We are not the same you’re here to play games and I seek truth and clarity I don’t give a damn what this world thinks of me.
This isn’t a popularity contest to me it’s about living my truth authentically.
Big money fast cars and some bling on your arm doesn’t mean shit when you have all that chaos on your mind and in your heart.
The path to redemption begins in your soul, it brings you back to the past to understand how you became the person you are.
A deep truth and personal accountability is needed if you are to get past this part.
The past is hard and no one wants to admit it but we have all fucked up it’s time to go back to the beginning. Once we understand how it came to be we can begin the undoing of the trauma and set ourselves free.
I love in love, I’ve learned a better way. It’s more then what you say, but also how you say it. Love speaks through all that you do, it’s in the words you choose and the way that you move. It flows through you and others feel and see it too. Love is who I am, love is what I do. Love is free and love is true, understand the ways of love start with simply being you. You before the world told you who you should be, go back to your better days when you could just be free.
I believe in love, it’s been there for all the change. No matter the trauma or the pain love stood by my side while I felt lost and afraid. It wasn’t a love from another not always you’ll see. The deepest love I’ve ever known has come from within me.
I’ve consoled myself when I couldn’t take anymore. I woke myself up and pushed me towards the door. I’ve wiped my tears and rocked through my cries. I’ve stayed by my side through all the goodbyes. I am in love with myself it’s how I survive in this life.
I live in love for me it’s the only way.
I exist in love, I exist for change.
I laugh in love, my heart is free.
I know who I am, inside and out. I am free to love in the purest ways, without judgement without shame, never a worry, never blame.
I am never worried about who she wants me to be. I showed her everything the world said was bad about me. I was so scared god I remember. I cried like a baby so afraid of rejection. I showed her the hair on my chin and my neck, she kissed me so deeply, holding me as I cried.
She lifted me into her arms and kissed me a million times at least it felt like that anyway. She told me I was absolutely gorgeous and I could see it in her eyes. She meant every word she was saying.
I was almost embarrassed by my surprise, I tested her again I was still so afraid so I showed her all my scars would she still choose to stay? She is absolutely finitely in love with me. She doesn’t hide away from me all the ways she was told not to be. We embrace all the beautiful things that make us who we are.
I don’t have to speak for her. I speak for only me, I know it’s true in all she does it’s in the way she moves. in the way she treats me. Haven’t we been picked apart enough, love is a safe place in which we’ve built on trust.
I feel in love, with everything in me
I think in love, I open my mind. It’s not about me all of the time, I think about it all and I make sure I understand, I ask questions seeking clarity when I don’t understand. I trust in the communication we’ve built, I am free to ask without shame or guilt. We teach and learn from each other as we go, how can we learn if we’re so afraid to ask we pretend to know.
I know in love, I don’t own you, you are not mine.
I learn in love, change happens all the time. I am only me. I control my time. I share it with those who I choose. This is my life, these are my rules.
I evolve in love, I stand by you until you decline.
I grow in love, Boundaries set are safe and kind.
I morph in love, I adapt there is no blame it’s life.
I change in love, I simply exist to be. In an ever changing world, I grow rapidly.
I soar in love, I speak my will there is no confusion. We all know what to do.
I rise in love, I trust you with me. We speak in love it happens so easily.
I speak in love- I only mean what I say. There is no confusion or in between.
I scribe in love- to share the way. Love is the answer to changing the ways.
I see in love- Nothing else exists. I observe who you are and I understand why.
I perceive in love- I see everyone’s perspectives and can understand why.
I understand in love- It’s not my place to judge, I’m not perfect all of the time.
I will in love- All I desire to be. This begins in us all, for you as for me.
I desire in love- all that is for me. Love is peace. I hope you understand it would be a dream to me.
I dream in love- I breath life into motion. My dreams are messages of love from me, that I choose to share with a chosen few.
I color the world in love- I light the path for those who can see, so they may find the way. Only pure hearts can understand what I say.
I stand for what I love- All that is right and true. Right is right but only when right is right for everyone not just you.
I die when I cease to love- There is nothing left to feel. The pain is to intense, this life cannot be real. I look for an escape a way to make it through the day.
Can anybody see me am I even real?
I love so I fight for a better way. I want everyone to live a life they love so they don’t have to numb their life away. We don’t have to do it alone anymore, it’s safe to want to be free. Change happens rapidly we only need to realize, it begins with you and me.
I become in love when I fall in love with myself- The only way to heal yourself is to embrace and love all of yourself. The parts you hate that you’ve wished away. They are beautiful parts that you were taught to hate. I’m sorry others made you feel that way.
I know in love- This life gets tiring and we all need help, it’s too much for us to be expected to do it all by ourselves.
Help is out there if you should need. Do what you need to make it through another day, don’t give up change is on the way.
I am proud in love- I’m proud of you for being so strong so long.
What I’ve watched you go through, the heart break and suffering in silence, you’ve fought your way through it all!
You searched for a better way and kept your heart pure. You made your focus on true love and what is right for all. You kept unconditional love, understanding and concern in your heart and lived it at all times.
You never judged another you simply tried to understand the differences and respected everyone equally and their ways, understanding your way isn’t the only way and that is just fine.
I know you’re scared and tired. I know you feel like this pain will never end, I know in your heart and soul you can’t accept that to be the truth.
I’m so proud of you because it wasn’t for nothing and dreams do come true.
The pain is coming to an end it’s the Dawn of Anew way forward together!
New days are here. Those with pure hearts please lift your heads once and for all.
You’re divinely protected in the heart of infinite love.
There are specific days in my life that stay with me always. They are the days I look on and wish I had known then what I now know. These days are the days I trusted in others to tell me what made sense and I was striving to do better, be better and give my children a better chance at a bright future. This day in particular became the pinnacle of my destruction.
Kristy I thought was different everyone liked her, she was fun and outgoing. Kristy seemed responsible she had a good job, her family was in her life and she was pursuing me. I had just left an abusive relationship with a control freak who was a manipulative cheater and an emotional abuser so Kristy stepped in like a breath of fresh air.
I was so blinded.
I had friends or so I had thought, it turns out this would be a most valuable lesson. People don’t do what’s right they typically don’t care what’s right they do what is socially acceptable.
Allow me to explain. I was living a decent life abuse had been something I had always known. Even with my diagnosis’s I was fighting for my life, it was suddenly falling into place. I had just been awarded my social security disability and I had a nice rental home for me and the kids, I was surrounded by what I believed we’re friends and family that cared for us.
Yet no one, not one of the people who called my children their niece and nephew thought to warn me. Kristy was a convicted felon multiple times over and a active alcoholic and crack smoker/drug user. I was naive to say the very least and alcoholics were not new to me so I saw it as normal and she hid the drug use.
As the relationship progressed I ignored the red flags, my daughter hated her I thought it was preteen angst. I was selfish and wanted peace, happiness and stability for my children and myself. Kristy was right there promising the sun, moon and stars. Little did I know how she and her family would spend our entire relationship tearing us down, emotionally and mentally abusing us, while stealing everything I had and mentally destroying me.
The worst part is it was all avoidable, at any point anyone of my best friends who claimed to love us and who knew her and her family personally could have said Tami she isn’t good for you. Yet not one did and I understand oh it’s no ones place however innocent children were there so yes as humans it was absolutely the time and place to speak up.
Silence prevailed.
So when Kristy suggested we move into her parents home to save money to buy a house and start our lives, I felt it was an absolute blessing! It was perfect her parents had a 3 bedroom apartment in the basement of their home and we wouldn’t be charged rent. I gave up my rental and we moved. This is where I went wrong.
Once I left my freedom, giving up my independence and trusting the words she was saying. I was sitting on 15,000 cash from back pay with social security and I was on over 18 different medications for my mental health. I was doing the best I could to recover from my past and how it was supposed to be my time to finally give my kids the life they deserved. We moved into Kristys parents house.
Life went dark almost immediately and Kristy became a completely different person we took control of all of the money and food became scarce she was working all the time so I didn’t understand.
She was drinking more and more and becoming cruel and angry all of the time. She took control of my child support and social security and convinced me that we didn’t need my car because I drove hers and she had the work truck so I listened to her and sold my vehicle. She instantly took the money.
I was stuck and didn’t have the proper help to leave it was a bad situation to a bad situation, I had no safe place to run. Life was unhealthy for me. I’m writing this and it is hard but has to be written. Ladies and men please find the knowledge and wisdom within this.
Love doesn’t hurt. Love is never manipulating. Love is not controlling. When it is love it heals and helps. Love never destroys, love is not toxic. Any one who secludes you from family or friends seeks to control you by controlling who influences you. They wish to keep you only listening to them so that you stay ignorant to what they’re doing. please don’t let yourself become a victim.
Looking back now I see the pattern and all of us face it, one way or another the point is we no longer have to. If we can identify these behaviors we can prevent destruction. If we warn each other we can help to heal this world instead of watching idly by as good people become victims to the evil ways of narcissistic people.
Honestly it’s a tale as old as time and goes even deeper.
Emotionally and for our wellbeing we need others and that’s a simple fact, yet this world has told us it is weak and codependent to need others yet life alone cannot be sustained one would absolutely go insane without love and interaction look at castaway with Wilson.
Yes while we feel like we would be better alone we’re not wrong either not exactly anyway but nonetheless we’re still wrong we’re buying into the division they try to create it became every man out for themselves and that’s where destruction ruled over and won.
Now it’s high time we realize that we realize all that division did was cause heartbreak anger pain and regret it caused struggles and financial worries that didn’t need to be, children were placed in vulnerable and dangerous situations because the familial support was removed.
Now we struggle and destroy each other and all we really want to do is pull each other close and make it better together and put the pain of the past behind us finding a better way forward together.
If ego and pride could be set aside and people would feel comfortable being vulnerable and openly taking to one another without fear of judgement.
Then we can begin to listen to our hearts and find we’ve been waging wars against ourselves and we don’t have to anymore it’s time for a new way forward into our future together for all!
Love doesn’t hurt control does!
loy·al
adjective 1 giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.”loyal service” This is the problem there is no allegiance or loyalty to others we started idolizing material and Wealth we lost sight of what matters the most!
Loyalty to each other family and love,loyalty to the truth and loyalty to what is right is what is lacking in this country.
We made things more important than people.
Everyone set their sights on what they wanted materially and sacrificed those who care for them to get it.
Now everyone has to learn that this is where they have lacked in humanity and in love and what’s right. This is what I meant when I said keeping your heart pure, while yea I want more I’m not about to destroy a innocent someone to get it.
I’m grateful for what I have throughout the struggles and I know better days will come. I strive to help others who are suffering because I know the pain as well, I also know together we can change it for everyone.
A new way forward exists when you’re ready I’m here.
The point of this spiritual journey is to bring us back to whole.
During the hard times as we experience heartbreaking goodbyes and traumas resurface we are taught how to learn how to love and honor ourselves fully so we can awaken to our truth and full potential.
When we release fear in all aspects and step into our authentic being shedding the judgement of others. We release the beliefs put on us about who we were expected to be, finally being seen and appreciated for who we truly are.
It’s hard at times without a doubt but it is the most beautiful love you will ever experience once you begin living what you’re speaking. The work isn’t easy and yes there are times when you feel like you can’t take anymore.
Please keep going don’t give up, I promise all the pain wasn’t for nothing. Your truth will be revealed ignorance is dying as we educate others.
Don’t fear the unknown embrace the changes and live your life for you! You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt and that’s the end of the rainbow everything else suddenly falls into place!
I speak from absolute experience I have no reason to lie to you. ~Tami Irizarry Love doesn’t hurt. Toxicity does. Evolve.
I took this picture yesterday proof is all around if you choose to see! 🙌🏽🤍♾🕊🗣
I am blessed of that I am certain, regardless of what is placed in my path I know without a doubt it is there to help me learn and grow.
I navigate throughout it easily once I accept I am in control of how I allow it to affect me. I learn to watch for signals and cues, I trust in what God and the universe lead me through.
My heart brings the peace and it instinctively can decipher lie from truth, I respect myself first it’s my life and to my own self I must be true.
If I stand up for what’s right for all, I’m following what is right and true, what good is right if it’s only good for you and not me too? That doesn’t make sense and it’s certainly not fair or just if right is right only for some of us.
It’s time for childish games fueled by ego and privilege to stop. If destroying innocent people to make your way to the top is all you have. Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate yourself and take a good look inside that’s not the type of character I would hold with pride.
It’s time to be better than what we’ve been taught, it’s time to step in another’s shoes and imagine the road which they’ve walked. If we can understand that the same beginnings were not handed to all, then we can begin to understand what created the division and the fall.
Humanity is lacking to say the very least, we have veterans who fought for this country now homeless on the streets. We have children missing, wars still waging, we have children killing themselves and society has lost its patience.
Addicts are disregarded as a hassle and walked away from, however this could be anyone’s daughter or son. An addict doesn’t choose to be an addict simply because one does. It happens when the pain of life has become far too much, so they seek a release from the pain of it all, so lost and confused they seek a little peace. I speak freely of addicts because that addict used to be me.
I was a child who endured abuse then as a troubled teen, I was prescribed so much medication I no longer understood what to do. So I was partying to escape it all and that’s the absolute truth. It felt like air it was exciting I had become so numb I needed pain to get me through.
No one understood truly what becomes of the child who is abused, instead they blame and shame the troubled youth. Take some accountability parents I know I had too, we are the ones responsible for our children that includes their emotional, spiritual and mental health too.
When you talk cruelly to your children they take your word as truth, it’s simple you are mother they trust completely in you.
Blame, shame, pride and defensiveness needs to stop, your kids have the right to tell you how they are feeling without you getting angry , how can we hope for a better way when we meet them with hostility.
Too many adults are going through the same, written off by families who have long forgotten their names, yet they sit and think of how they’re alone with all the blame and pain, abandoned, alone and scared.
They’re not quite here or there, they’ve been trapped in a place of the past when the pain was so bad they broke apart. While they’re trying to maneuver this world with a broken mind, spirit, heart and minimal or no support.
Only met with hate they wonder why they even try, the fight to stay hopeful, yet the world continues to turn a blind eye. Everyone is so focused on money and looking better then the other guy, they sacrifice heart and tell lies.
This reality has become so sad it’s no wonder why we awakened. This was the final straw it took to break it, we’re no longer ignorant or asleep. We know what has happened and we are not sheep. We’re the lions and we’re no longer asleep.
We are the ones we have always waited for, we endured all the pain and trauma we know what we’re fighting for. Change for all! Right is right for everyone or no one at all. It’s time to do better together this is our world, our lives, let’s make it right for all.
Let’s uplift one another and help each other learn and grow, it’s simple and true there’s a lot of good people just begging to learn and grow.
Stop judging things you don’t understand open your heart, reach out your hand it’s time for us all to remember in love is the only way to fix this mess.
Hate and anger bring hate and anger, love and understanding bring love and understanding, it isn’t hard.
Make it make sense! If you wouldn’t like it don’t do it. Be the voice of the voiceless or keep accepting senseless hate destruction and violence.
It’s not what I want for my children or grandchildren, I can’t imagine you would, we are strong warriors that’s why they call it motherhood.
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 