Envision we are all the limb of our family tree-

But the roots didn’t form or grow in love.

Instead they were forced to grow in a combination of fear, love, pain and control.

Your direct family is on a branch, each has their own home. Still all tied to the same trunk and roots.

You love your family and your tree but personally it isn’t right for you. Whatever the reason it hurts.. it hurts so much you have to go. That doesn’t mean the love stops, it simply means you wanted something better for yourself.

Each of us is processing it on different levels and in different ways in our own lives. The scenarios may look different but we’re all going through something… Beautiful, scary, confusing, painful. It doesn’t matter it’s something.

Then we feel guilty of leaving those we love behind, when in fact we did not. We moved forward in search of another way, when they are ready to leave the house to find their way they will.

You are creating this new world so take with you to lessons and the beautiful memories. Leave behind the pain and the ways that we were taught.

Forge your own path and build a new tree one based only in love. Create your own way!

Have no fear the world is working to shake up those who are still asleep. Soon the houses that are rooted in the old ways of the old tree, will shake. Soon those stuck, Will have no choice but to up and leave the house and the tree, in search for a better brighter day be there to greet them when they come back your way.

As for the ancestors as we take this new path they are healed and now at peace. As we succeeded, their job is now complete. They are free no longer bound by the shackles of mistakes. We have paid their debts and for their sins. We have earned the wisdom, the knowledge and the way. We are the new line of ancestors here with a better way!

AHO ASE

I love you so much I’m sorry I haven’t been calling these last few days have been a mess for me but I’m figuring it out.

It kills me to be so far from you, when the truth is I just want to be there. I’m also learning to respect that you guys are wanting to have this time apart to figure yourselves out.

Sometimes it gets really overwhelming and I don’t know how to handle it properly, so I kind of end up hiding away.

It has everything to do with you both in the best ways and nothing to do with you in the bad ways. To me that means.. I love you more than life, when we talk it makes it harder to stay away. I just want to run to you.

You guys rightfully need your space and have the right to what you need. I don’t want to push my needs onto you it’s not your responsibility and it shouldn’t have been for so long, not in certain aspects anyway.

In a lot of other ways yes that’s family and it’s love, but not when it tries to over run what you both need to be okay within yourselves.

So that causes and internal struggle with me, because my life is you absolutely. My purpose is to be your mother. I am not only a mother, I am also my own person.

I’m trying to understand what that means, because these last few years I’ve been trying to figure it out. Honestly I’ve never truly known I’m just finding out now, and how that looks with these older versions of the babies that are forever with me.

I don’t feel like I really know you guys in the ways you deserve to be known and that is free of judgement, I want to be part of your life in new ways.

I want to understand how that looks for you guys and what it means to you and how you need it to happen. So that I can figure out how to make that work for all of us.

My mission will forever to keep the light in your eyes ablaze… I love you more than anything in this entire multiverse and you make me so proud. Thank you for loving me and being my babies.

I love me that’s why I am being honest with us.

This path is hard but to go on pretending nothings wrong only makes it worse.

These hard conversations help us all.

They help us to understand and to make the right changes for us.

Our paths are parallel but not the same, when we meet it’s to encourage and support each other.

When we are ready to do it in a healthy way it can feel uncomfortable.

These conversations help us to release the disappointment of the past. It helps us to learn to trust again.

We learn in a safe place to honor and respect all boundaries and hold each other accountable.

If we are not ready for this level we go our separate ways with nothing but good wishes.

Change is uncomfortable but what comes is something that is created in mutual respect love and understanding.

Through open communication about what is right for each of us!

Life on a spiritual level explained-

Think of the person you trust the most with all of your heart.

That is your person.

On the spiritual level that bond is similar to that you have with your higher self.

💫You know when you call your person when you are heartbroken and they give you advice?

That’s your intuition, learn to listen to it!

💫You know how your person always has your back and will stand up for you when you can’t?

Thats your higher self pushing you into the dark night of the soul.

✨When you can’t understand why life is falling apart remember this, best friends can get crazy when it comes to protecting us!

💫Your higher self steps in causing the chaos needed to remove you from bad situations you can’t leave on your own.

It’s easier on you when you figure it out for yourself and make the changes.

YOU are never alone!

YOU are always loved!

YOU are always supported!

The way I have come to see it is..

In relationships we come in flawed to learn lessons and help raise each other to the next level of our growth.

Once one of the pair has begun to understand their lessons and grow we begin to repel the other. Which then pushes the other to make a choice grow or don’t.

We then are given a choice, wait around for the growth of the other or leave.

If the relationship was based in truthful open communication and has that strong foundation most will choose to wait and have a happy and successful union.

If the relationship is unhealthy, fear of change will keep the pair together. Although they know the time has come to move on. This unfortunately continues the toxic cycle, until the frustration turns into rage forcing them to choose their peace over chaos.

The lessons we teach each other unfortunately are painful. However the pain inflicted is mostly unintentional, simply we are loving the way we were taught. Unfortunately most were taught that love and pain were intertwined as children, through the lessons our parents taught us.

With that being said, if we can realize we all do the best we can, with what we have available and how we were taught (parents included). Then we can open to seeing that we all have different experiences and perspectives, even while in the same relationship.

Now it is time to make the changes that can cultivate healthy relationships moving forward.

That begins with clear communication based in nothing less than truth and knowledge of our self, our boundaries and desires.

It comes with absolute truth and rawness of who you are, flawed and all. It comes when you have patience and realize that, most people don’t think like you do and most aren’t mind readers. Too often we project our fears and assume the worst in others, instead of simply asking.

We hide the unwanted parts of ourselves, we’re afraid to vulnerable as a result of the experiences we have had growing up. We try to be who you believe the other wants you to be, rather then who we truly are.

We look to fill the void between who we are and who wish to be until we accept that we are always enough within ourselves.

As I stand in my truth, my power and full divinity.
As I honor myself as the maiden, mother and crone.

I stand now before the infinite divine and God, pledging this my vow to you.
I may stumble, I may falter on my journey.
With all that I am, I am committed to living free of fear, shame, blame, doubt, worry, anger, sadness and control.
Knowing that I stand in my divinity and living my divine soul purpose in love and truth.

My power is given from and to forces greater than myself. Knowing that if I falter or stumble the infinite divine and God will always be there to guide and support me. Through all I experience I am divinely protected and the love that is for me is infinite.

I am no longer affected by judgements of others, I see clearly the projections and reflections have nothing to do with me. I am a divine tool used to help others heal.

I trust my intuition and live from my heart, understanding that in the mind is where programming occurs and lingers and is not the way.

I hold joy and gratitude in my heart at all times, blessed by the beauty that surrounds me at all times. Regardless of any pain that is presented to me to further my growth I see there is beauty in it all.

I live a life of integrity and honor, knowing I owe nothing, yet I leave this and all places better than when I arrived.

I speak my truth at all times, this life is mine and the responsibility to do what is right falls solely on me. I will not wait to be saved or rescued. I save myself and those who are unable to save themselves as God and the divine will it to be.

I choose at all times to give to my soul what it calls for, while I create and love. Always honoring my progress.

I am gentle and loving with all the dark aspects that are a part of me, understanding above all that light will not exist without darkness. Nor will darkness exist without light and balance is key.

As I walk the path presented to me of my souls purpose. I know with all I am that God and the Infinite divine, bless, support, guide, protect and provide me more than I need at all times.

The power to call extra assistance is within me and I have a divine birth right to call upon it and bring it forth as I wish.

I know that all that is asked of me is to honor myself and have love, full trust and belief in myself, God and the infinite divine.

Its not always about being happy.

The flow of life can suck at times and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is this mindset running that life is supposed to be happy and cheery all the time..

In a perfect world it will be great…. However

We aren’t in a perfect world right now we are in a battle. Until people are held accountable, until pride and ego are taken down a couple notches and the old mindset dies out.

We must push forward and cause true change to happen. Right is right when right is right and just for all not some!! We have to make it make sense!

Our generation has made its mistakes, but we also gave our children freedom of thought and a louder voice then we were allowed.

The way we parented as much as we have our regrets and as many mistakes as we have made.. The pain our children endured while we forged our own path to clear the way for them wasn’t for nothing.

It was in pure love and a deep desire to make a better way then we had been given. The pain once it is worked through provides them the wisdom needed to prepare them to take the lead and break the outdated boundaries.

Our children are the arrows needed to reach the future!

Until each generation can open to different perspective and see that we’re all meant to work together and take our collective knowledge to create a beautiful synergy it won’t be achieved.

The foundations have long been set and it is being worked toward, we get further along the path with every story and voice that speaks out!

Change is upon us!

What I am perhaps I’ll never know. What I’m shown is what I wish I didn’t know. Perception is tricky and now I see you weren’t as down for me as you promised to be.

In ways absolutely yes you were down for me. That doesn’t erase the heartbreak that followed when the realization hit, I had trusted the wrong one with my precious soul. When we spoke and I said baby I have to fly can you hold me down and make sure you don’t stop the process… I asked can you handle it?

I said if not I wouldn’t go further you assured me that you could hold me down while I soared and then while I trusted I got pushed out of the door. You’re still here standing by my side but how can I trust you with me when it has all been based on lies?

These realizations and truths that have been spilling out show me a bigger picture and what it’s all about.

When you walked in I didn’t realize how many would walk out all that I had accomplished and achieved was slowly being taken away. Eventually always replaced by something better so it makes it really hard to say.

Did you come here to cause destruction or to clear it all away? Either way I can’t blame only you love without pain that I could feel on impact was a dream I had fought to keep alive. So let’s talk signs as we drive and as I write this Sabotage by the Beastie Boys comes on and I take a breath and pay attention to the writing on the wall.

If I stay will you be my biggest downfall? Love isn’t a question we both know it’s there but what else is hidden behind the premise of “I care”? If you believed in me as you said you did I wouldn’t be finding all of these truths you hid.

Now let’s look at your life since you walked in was it destructive too? Or was there a door opened for you? A door leading to all you have desired but could not gain on your own? Nicer newer cars, a nicer home vacations and experiences. While your quality of life substantially changed for the best my quality of life substantially decreased.

Others have their opinions and I can see where perceptions can get in the way but at the end of the day the facts are all that remain.

How can I stay when there is no trust, how can you expect to move forward when now I know I cannot trust you? What did you expect would happen when it all came to light?

Speaking My Truth :

Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible?

That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it. Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again.

This time from a different view point. You, I... it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame... perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified.

Changes in perception, brought about this revelation... I am no better than you or anyone. I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears....

For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right. Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved. What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally.

I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves. Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up.

I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us... especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”.

Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom.

Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity.

I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together. No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything.

Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow.

I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself. I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned.

My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will. Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified!

It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way... in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,
Tami Siegfried
11/14/2018

I miss you so much it hurts.

Today is your birthday and I’m not there.

I would give anything to get another chance.

My heart is breaking to miss these moments with you.

I didn’t see it happening.

I couldn’t stop it if I tried.

Now all I know are tears without you by my side.