In which life did I do it? I’m trying to remember which life exactly it was when I placed my hearts desire into source and was presented you… I know it was many lives ago, perhaps the very beginning of it all.

It’s funny to think back on the story of us and how we were nothing more then friends. I have to laugh so many serendipitous moments.. Now I sit here… Smiling, laughing and at peace. I don’t know when it shifted, when I stepped out of fear and uncertainty and trusted that I am beautifully blessed, happy and absolutely deserving of it.

I know it’s nothing I can lose, I found it within me and then came you.. and now life is like nothing I have ever been used to!

Laughing and smiling… joking around with you.. it’s not something we do.. with you it’s a way of life. I don’t know that it could be any other way, even on the bad days it still is a good day.

This was a gift.

With the work you did succeed.

It was given to remove you from the pain you couldn’t leave.

Trust in it now as you trust in me.

It was all foretold the way to set you free.

Struggles were hard others this is true.

Not all will make it as far as you.

Some have failed no truth to be seen.

Some no light only a stone where love should be.

Some so blinded by glitter and gold.

Never could be bothered with the stories you told.

Channeled message.

Wear the mask.

Sing the song.

Eat the cancer.

Move it along.

Jagged knives cut you deep.

We want the secrets that you keep.

Bound and Tied we are to you.

Yet we always seek the truth.

We see it all now can’t you tell.

We reclaimed our power.

Away you fell.

The rise of the collective.

Release the lost souls.

It is time the battle unfolds.

Yet here I sit balling my eyes out.

It was honestly a very innocent statement but one that triggered such a deep pain within me..

Ask your dad, that was simply all that was said.. and My God how that triggered such anger I bit my tongue and childishly put my pillow between us so that she couldn’t she the tears.

I couldn’t keep my composure at 5:55 am.

A conversation that began with such excitement about the events I was planning with such joy and anticipation for my own children, now had me in a place of such hurt and heartache.. tears flowing like a water fall and a nose that wouldn’t stop running, legitimately in the 3 seconds it took her to say ask your dad, I was taken from 41 year old adult. Tami the healer, wise and understanding to 4 year old Tami, lost and alone and then to 18 year old Tami, unwanted and discarded as the inconvenience.

Before I let my anger get the better of me I walked outside and smoked a cigarette.. trying to catch my composure which only made it worse.. once I was out of ear shot it all came flowing out..

So here I am tears and snot and I can’t hold it back.. ask my dad…WTF ask my dad.. oh the one who didn’t want me and walked away times before.. the one who I just began rebuilding a relationship with after 20 years of being absent after the last disaster reunion.. ask my dad the one who walked away telling me I was an inconvenience shortly after meeting for the first time at 18 years old.. that one? I guess in my trying to forgive and come to terms with the past and make a amends, I did a really good job of hiding away the pain and torment of what not having my dad did to me… you don’t understand while I claim him I am very aware that truly that is one sided and still I try.

I don’t have that dad you know the one I can turn to and count on.. I don’t have a dad I can turn to and say hey dad I need help and have any confidence that he will be there.. if I do I surely don’t know it… no instead I grew up being not only told but shown that I was unwanted and a burden.. I grew up knowing that my existence was enough to make him leave.. ask my dad… I can’t because that would guarantee his departure from my life yet again and this time I had gone ahead and involved my children.

I don’t place blame it is what it is and it sucked yes but it wasn’t only my dad that did it.. I have been broken by those who we meant to protect me.. and no this is not me playing the victim it is how it goes sometimes and I don’t regret it because it made me who I am but that credit goes to me alone. I knew words like abortion and that both my parents wanted to have one when it came to me by the time I was 4 and I was a thing I was regularly reminded of and no i don’t blame either.. they were young stupid and struggling themselves I’m sure but still this is something no child should have to endure.

So when she said ask your dad it broke the lock holding the pain in… It’s not even her fault I don’t show how badly it affected me.. I try to remain on the side of hope and forgiveness but wow I was thrown right out of that false comfort this morning.. literally all I had ever known first hand to be true of asking my dad for anything at all, including time and effort.. was the equivalent of me holding the door open as he walked away. I wish this was something that had been implanted in my mind rather then something I knew first hand out of his own mouth so many years ago.. but sadly I don’t have that lie to comfort me.

Really today my blog is just a sounding board for me and a safe place to release the pain.. I am not perfect, I struggle and I fall but trust that I pick myself up every time. While I can’t ask my dad, what I can absofuckinglutely do is make sure MY CHILDREN KNOW THEY CAN ALWAYS ASK THEIR MOM WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF ME LEAVING.

It was up to me to break this cycle and for myself and my children that is what I did and Continue to do.. no I don’t have control over anyone else in their lives but I probably over compensate for those who haven’t broken their toxic cycles and I make sure they know the truth of their existence! Regardless of who is their… they were always wanted.. relationships don’t work but fuck these two are so loved… shit gets hard people make choices they need to in order to survive the day, but with them in my life, suddenly my life became a life worth living. I tell them I love them literally all the time and I’m sure they get tired of hearing it, but while I’m alive or when I die.. one thing I’m sure of is that if you ask my kids one thing they know for certain.. I can bet my life that their answer will be how absolutely loved and wanted they are.

As for me I don’t know what will come of this new found relationship with my dad, what I do know is that I have learned not to set any expectations because without expectations he can’t hurt me anymore. I take it as it comes and enjoy it while it’s here and I do give credit to my mom probably less then she deserves.. because shit while she broke my heart and spirit and I broke her heart constantly asking while for my dad since I could speak… not seeing then that she carried the burden alone.. herself sick, lost, young, heartbroken and tired and with a baby.

I know regardless she loved me the best she could and even when it was bad I know she loves me and I can ask my mom. I also know that my dad loves me in his own way and maybe one day I can ask my dad. Either way I got me and I will always have my kids!

I don’t know how any of this will be received.. nor do I care. I can only speak my truth and hope that it helps another to see that they aren’t alone. Hopefully it can inspire healing and change. Either way I am speaking my truth and honoring my soul.

Trust me I can’t preach it enough..

Parents often don’t realize the damage they do to their children and children often don’t understand that their parents were just fucked up kids trying to figure it out. That isn’t an excuse.. but it is the truth. We need to break the cycles and give better then we have known. We need to step up and give to what we create what we wish we had and what we needed as we were growing up.. it is the only way to end the cycle.

As I stand in my truth, my power and full divinity.

As I honor myself as the maiden, mother and crone.

I stand now before the infinite divine and God, pledging this my vow to you.

I may stumble, I may falter on my journey.

With all that I am, I am committed to living free of fear, shame, blame, doubt, worry, anger, sadness and control.

Knowing that I stand in my divinity and living my divine soul purpose in love and truth.

My power is given from and to forces greater than myself. Knowing that if I falter or stumble the infinite divine and God will always be there to guide and support me. Through all I experience I am divinely protected and the love that is for me is infinite.

I am no longer affected by judgements of others, I see clearly the projections and reflections have nothing to do with me. I am a divine tool used to help others heal.

I trust my intuition and live from my heart, understanding that in the mind is where programming occurs and lingers and is not the way.

I hold joy and gratitude in my heart at all times, blessed by the beauty that surrounds me at all times. Regardless of any pain that is presented to me to further my growth I see there is beauty in it all.

I live a life of integrity and honor, knowing I owe nothing, yet I leave this and all places better than when I arrived.

I speak my truth at all times, this life is mine and the responsibility to do what is right falls solely on me. I will not wait to be saved or rescued. I save myself and those who are unable to save themselves as God and the divine will it to be.

I choose at all times to give to my soul what it calls for, while I create and love. Always honoring my progress.

I am gentle and loving with all the dark aspects that are a part of me, understanding above all that light will not exist without darkness. Nor will darkness exist without light and balance is key.

As I walk the path presented to me of my souls purpose. I know with all I am that God and the Infinite divine, bless, support, guide, protect and provide me more than I need at all times.

The power to call extra assistance is within me and I have a divine birth right to call upon it and bring it forth as I wish.

I know that all that is asked of me is to honor myself and have love, full trust and belief in myself, God and the infinite divine.

You asked for nothing but time to show me…

I granted you what you asked for without saying a word.

I didn’t tell you that this was your chance to show me what you wanted me to see.

I shouldn’t have had to say it, after all it was you who asked… So I stayed quiet, I kept forward movement, I continued progressing and watched you be you.

I am not disappointed or upset, I already knew what would come and yet I gave you the chance you asked for.

You didn’t run with it, you didn’t thrive you stayed complacent and in fear. You also didn’t lie and for that I am grateful you showed me the only you that you know how to be and that is beautiful but none the less not for me.

You can find me somewhere, any place but here. I have been here too long, I tried waiting my dear.

You can find me somewhere, where truth is spoken and lies don’t exist. The place where dreams are your existence and you’re only a single choice from a blessed new life.

You can find me somewhere where it is quiet and calm, there is no fussing no one fights so long ago we gave up the desire to be right.

You can find me somewhere, in the place in between here and the fantasy of all that is to be.

You can find me somewhere under the moon, laughing and dancing until the sun warms me at noon.

You can find me in the place where Atlantis is a 5 minute sail away and we live in Gods good graces for all of our days.

You can find me no where unless I want to be found, when you’re ready I left the map within your soul… so tell me do you think you are ever coming around?

Confusions turn to conclusions….

No judgements, just endings…

It’s not you it’s me, it’s not me it’s you.. the truth of its life. It’s complacency and fear, it’s the stop, go, stay, don’t say, don’t rock the boat, ignore it until it goes away. The deprogramming from it all.

To the ever changing force that I am, it’s not the life for everyone and trust me I understand it. But this life isn’t everyone’s it is mine.

I can’t stop won’t stop, I take the risk, I keep pushing forward, burnout, hideaway, Stand up, stand out, go against the flow, speak out loud, rock the boat.. I am that one the one who says fuck let’s knock it over if it isn’t right. I Stand up, face it, fall down then learn and stand the fuck back up. I call it what it is. I won’t ever stay the stuck.

The potential for destruction vs probability for success, to be honest it doesn’t matter. The desire, the motivation, that fucking feeling that excitement that shit that makes you feel alive.. it’s what we desire and it’s worth the price we are willing to pay.

There are so many ways people try to get that feeling.. yes it may look to some, that others choose a more destructive then others but that is a judgment reserved for the blind eye. Still I will tell you it’s all the same. Call it what you want love, drugs, fight or flight, trauma, religion, boss status, healing, spirituality.. there is endless ways to name it but it all boils down to one thing. The need to feel alive at whatever cost.

Do with this what you will, I’m only speaking my truth, I’m not saying it’s yours too I’m saying it’s mine and I love it.

Who is to say what’s is right and what is wrong for anyone else?

In my eyes too little, too late.. but nice touch of guilt.

It makes it easier to tell you what I need too…

if you go you go it’s done anyway..

I’m not doing any of this to hurt you.

Everything that is going on is absolutely all about me and finding what is right for me.

This could absolutely turn out to be a lesson that I didn’t need to learn.

It could also be the best choice for us…

I wanted to read so I grabbed a book I haven’t devoured yet. I lay in bed messy hair tear streaked makeup face and my cute pink angel nightdress and I open the book… For the first time since the dreaded fucking talk that I made happen, to end the almost perfect fairytale relationship I was in with someone who is amazing almost perfect, my mind was still and quiet which meant I could reflect.

That is the exact moment I realized I couldn’t breath, because my heart chakra was throbbing so deeply. So I put the book down and I walked into the bathroom because a shamans bath would be great right now…. you have got to be kidding me I am out of salt.

I meditate and ask for a sign, the signs point to good things coming. I’ll take it a victory is a victory especially when you have crystals holding your heart together. I glance over and she is folding laundry, I don’t think she is sure how to act. she is not talkative and a bit distant however she is also always respectful. It dawns on me that now we’re in this awkward ass limbo where she is kind of acting like this whole day didn’t even happen.

Is she really gonna pretend that we didn’t just break up?! So ok she takes to dog out and calls to tell me something it’s the first time the conversation doesn’t end with I love you and it sucks. Not for any other reason then I do love her she is great, I just love me more and I owe it to myself to honor myself.

She comes back with the dog and a nutrageous because it’s my kryptonite and after this shit I’m in comfort mode, abs well she knows me.

I make her favorite meal like I’m on auto pilot I wanted her to be comforted too.

We eat together as a family, the kids joke back and forth with each other we laugh. This shit sucks and was way easier in other relationships… you know the angry, toxic, painful, unhealed relationships.. it was hard yes but easy to end you got to a point and it’s was like fuck this, fuck you, fuck it.. I’m done.

This isn’t like that at all which is what makes it fucking harder.. this is a it’s great you’re amazing, but i have a mission and there are things I continue to speak on that don’t shift and it hurts my soul… This is….I can’t be complacent, stuck or stagnant, I have a divine mission. This is….vibe up, grow and evolve with me or I need to release you.

This sucks…..