I went inward on a deeper journey to heal my inner child I was reduced to tears by her beliefs…

At first I was presented with a large dark shadow full of rage. As the crying and questioning continued, and I fully allowed myself to accept all that was there, the abuse, molestations (yes plural by many), the rapes. Finally the shadow slowly reduced down to a little girl with a dirty face. She was me at about 4 years old she was wearing a white undershirt that was stained and ripped and panties that were in the same condition. Her face not only dirty but tear streaked and her hair a tangled mess. We spoke for a long while of all that she had endured in my 41 years of life. The thing that still lingers is the fact that when I asked her name she replied with “dirty” and hung her head in shame. Through it all she stayed back so that the woman I was becoming would emerge. I wasn’t able to get to her sooner, because it took me until I was 35 to consciously stop allowing people to do what they wished to me. It would then be another 5 years at around 40 years old when I also stopped allowing it on a subconcious level. Now I sit and reflect on all that has happened for me and how the programming and mindfucks we are taught are so deeply damaging yet beautiful. The reasons we allow what we do as adults is absolutely tied into what we had no choice in as children. Yet we stay in these patterns for far too long because even when consciously we heal it, beginning to understand it. We are still tested with those who want what they want, to them you’re not a person but a prize to be taken. They will pick those cracks in your healing until they find a way in. They prey on your fear, they manipulate you because they desire the light you are. Yes you lose friendships and relationships when the cracks they have picked start giving way to the light, power and divinity you are. You can no longer accept anything less than what is right on a soul level. So much so that the shy quiet voice raises and rumbles so loudly it shakes the universe. Shining a light so brightly that others find their key to begin healing.

That little girl healed and integrated back to my heart, she knows her name isn’t dirty and her gift to me was letting me know that her name is Warrior.

The truth is you can’t go back, I am also not pushing or rushing no matter how you may receive this. I am simply coming to a realization… you could say it was this or that but in all reality… it’s simply because it’s not what you want. To be honest AF… I am so good with that, I know what it is. I don’t want to waste my time or energy and I have been sounding like a broken record for far too long.

You can’t go from talks of marriage to a slow fizzle down and then straight to dodging questions pertaining to the why’s and what of our relationship.

I know you don’t know who you are fully or why life is the way it is or where and what you want to do and that is why I release you to go figure you out and live your best life, no regrets simply no more wasted time.

You were one of the better lessons the one that didn’t hurt and that is the hardest part.

I loved you so much.

I wasn’t in love with you.

I loved the person I saw you hoped to be.

Then I stood by your side and watched you not make any moves to get there.

I knew I couldn’t stay holding space for you

It wasn’t my job.

Holding space for you kept me back from where I needed to be.

I wanted for this to work but I kept finding that my soul wasn’t at rest.

I know what that the path I walk is one that I walk alone for now.

I have to get myself right.

I have a divine mission and I can’t stop I won’t stop.

You are wonderful and deserving of a beautiful love but you have to give that to yourself before you can get it from anyone else.

You have to find who you are and walk your path.

What we desire and dream of isn’t aligned.

So you have either awakened on your own, or you were so uncomfortably numb stuck pretending you were happy, that you found yourself suddenly with your life turned upside down.. With you staring upwards wondering what the fuck just happened.

Was everything suddenly taken away? Did you find yourself suddenly facing struggles and hardships perhaps you feel you’re all alone like it doesn’t matter to anyone?

If this is you…. let me help you understand. You are being forced to evolve, to grow and to get yourself out of the situations that are stopping you from healing yourself. Life, God, The infinite Divine, your higher self is calling for you to stop existing and start making changes!

Yes right now it feels hopeless but I promise it isn’t… now you may be wondering who the hell am I, what do I know… so let me tell you I am you, I have been through it.

There truly is hope, things will get better, you are strong, you are powerful and you will have happiness and peace again. It begins with you.. you have to be so honest with yourself , take a good look at who you truly are and ask is this what you wanted for your life.. Then make changes start small if you have to but start!

Take time to look into meditation, question everything if you haven’t already and ask yourself if your doing what is making you happy or are you still trying to please everyone else and ignoring your soul’s cries for more.

As for me.. I thought after the life of abuse in every aspect, molestation and rape.. that I was finally on top of the world or so I believed, kick ass career, vacations multiple times a year, weekend trips almost every weekend, designer everything, new cars. I was literally so stuck in the matrix consumerism and bragging rights was everything that spoke to the world of success. I was doing what everyone else wanted me to do,because I just wanted to make everyone happy and let’s be honest I didn’t love or respect myself. Refusing to truly heal and understand what my life was teaching me, I was constantly giving my all and accepting any crumbs that were thrown my way while I called it love.

Out of the blue my life changed I was on narcotics for major medical problems my health was failing, I was over 300lbs, I was miserable, I wanted to die, I was in a heartbreaking relationship and then in the blink of an eye I was homeless with my partner and my two kids. I blew through my 401k, savings hell even my HSA… so I sat in a hotel with my family knowing the money was running out and I prayed as I broke down and I knew I couldn’t stay in Pennsylvania.

I had to love myself and my family enough to get away from the patterns I had been so accustomed to accepting. I finally listened to my heart and soul, I trusted my intuition completely, I trusted my faith in God, the Divine and in my angels and when I saw a picture of NC I knew we had to go and start over. I started over with nothing other than what we were able to grab in a 2 hour notice and time frame.

Time to stop crying, start growing and time to heal. Change was here and I could evolve or die…. I was in my 30’s, I had begun to love myself enough to finally realize that no matter how much I loved anyone it wasn’t ok for everyone to use abuse and throw me away anymore. So I walked away and learned to love from afar and no longer accept the things people wanted to do to me… it didn’t happen all at once but I made the move, it was a start.

When we got to NC we knew absolutely no one.. Hell even my income tax return was intercepted for my student loan..but still we were lucky enough to take the last bit of money in my account to secure an apartment. We didn’t have food, beds, towels, we had the exact amount for the security deposit and rent. We basically had a few bags of clothes and some personal items.. but everyday by the grace of god we rebuilt, I was still in a toxic relationship we were both on legal Physician prescribed narcotics.. but now my partner was worse then before and all the promises didn’t mean a damn thing.. more heartbreak and pain.. I knew I had to get off of the narcotics and I did exactly that. After decades I weaned myself off in three weeks and didn’t replace it with anything other then the occasional CBD gummy for anxiety.

The relationship was beyond destroyed and I knew if I stayed I would end my own life, I had two kids so I couldn’t do it.. I ended up ending it and took time to look at the person I had become. Shadow work, meditation and healing was my prime focus.

So yes it is hard it is scary but there is absolutely better days coming. You just have to keep pushing forward. I still heal and learn that is never ending.. Now as I am approaching my 41st birthday, I have my own business, I am surrounded by those that love me truly and with a selfless love, I don’t entertain selfish love in my life anymore. I sit on my balcony over looking the pool, I smile and as I talk to my clients and help them through life’s trials and tell them about the beauty that life holds and watch them reach their goals my heart is so abundantly blessed and I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude for the everyday angels and blessings that helped to give me hope as I had the strength to continue to live when I could barely go on.

Take a step no matter how small, don’t give up, find your strength. Love yourself, heal from the trauma, live from the heart, speak your truth, walk in light and if you aren’t in a position to help others struggling at least don’t ever hurt them.

Never look down on anyone, unless it’s to lift them up.. because you have no idea of what anyone else is going through.

Do you ever find yourself having a innocent conversation with someone, then suddenly it takes an ugly turn and you sit in disbelief… just wondering what has happened ?

Let’s be real this is part of life, so when you find yourself in the middle of it just breath.. Take a moment to understand that people are hurting and living in fear. Unfortunately when this happens they project it onto the first person who they grab.

Just know that above all it has not a thing to do with you and as you look back over the course of whatever the relationship was, you will see that this was a gift a beautiful lesson, wish them well and remember the good that came of it.

Often times we internalize what is being thrown at as we try and make others issues our own. This is not why this is happening for you! This is happening to make way for an ending to make room for amazing things to come!

Remember you are the most important person in the room. Although there will be times that others want to project their shit on you, you are in no way under any obligation to accept it.

Take accountability and responsibility for what you have done and don’t worry about the rest, life has a way of sorting such things out. Speak your truth always, live in love and light but take no shit.

There is no reason or need to try and dim another’s light, or try to get someone to hear what you have to say, your heart and intentions speak for you, stand in your divinity and don’t lower your vibration.. the truth always comes out.

I never agreed with how we were told it was to be. I’m a different breed I suppose, not a martyr, just one who couldn’t grasp the concept that no matter how many times someone hurts you that you stop loving them. Truth be told if I love/loved you in anyway and you hurt, betrayed or tried to destroy me, I still love you and I always will.

I can’t turn off my love, I love you as painful as it was to say goodbye to you. I had to start loving you from afar. I came to a understanding early that just because I love you it doesn’t make it ok for you to hurt me repeatedly, so I had to walk away.

Yes I still love you and I think of you at random times and I wish you all the best in your life. I wonder how you are and if life is good, regardless of all you did or didn’t do I am aware that it’s a two way street with a lot of outside influences driving by with their opinions.

Occasionally I may even reach out if I hear something is wrong and that your going through it, this time it’s with strict boundaries in place. I am the master of my happiness and I have that key on me at all times. You can’t affect me like you once did,

I love you still and I honor every relationship I have ever had no matter how painful, because of them I learned who I am.

So to anyone who is no longer in my life, don’t sit with loss or fear of retribution when you think of all that occurred between us. I have no ill wishes or intent, I have no desire for revenge. I still love you, but I love myself more.

I truly am rooting for your healing and happiness. I am living my best life and I am forever grateful for the lessons we taught each other.

This is an original 1/2011

I’m insanely emotional I trust with all I am and I say I love you endlessly, I get sad I get angry I am literally a hurricane a force of nature but I am real and I give all I am and set myself up for pain when people don’t respond with the same love, I worry I go above and beyond to do all I can because I can’t survive it with my whole self when I’m unwanted I lose a little piece of myself to the endless darkness with extreme chaos and pain that you would call my mind I call

It my prison, my prison where I hear I’m not worthy of love that I’m not enough that I am a failure and will never be enough, that I am nothing more than a piece of garbage that you can use for whatever you please because lord knows everyone else has, I get insecure and it terrifies me. I am the one who will push you away when I get hurt because you leaving is inevitable so I rather have the badge that says I left you and you didn’t leave me because it’s so much easier than accepting the fact that I’m not worthy of your love attention and affection and no these fears aren’t only reserved for a lover they are for everyone I love so it really is a battlefield in my head at all times, the slightest deviation in your breath and I panic is today the day that I will bother you too much and your realize it’s time to throw me away because I’m not worth it, like so many before? Most people look back and have happy memories but not me I think back to as young as I can remember and ask why so much pain I knew I wasn’t wanted from the moment I understood words, cumrag,victim, punching bag, not worthy of affection, bother, play thing , servant, never good enough. You didn’t kill me not completely although so many set out to destroy me you didn’t succeed you broke me yes I’ll give you all that but I survived because there was one thing you didn’t count on while you counted me out. I am a survivor and I took everything that was ever done again and I wrote it down as if I was using a play book and one by one I crossed out the vile hateful things that you did and wanted me to be and I knew what never to do, I knew that I could never be the things you did to me and I stopped letting acts of hate define and I rebuilt from bottom up and for every hateful thing I strived to do two times the acts of kindness because it made my heart sing, feed the homeless, clothe the cold and naked, protect the children that need me, random acts of kindness for no reason other than to help, sing and dance learn to smile and trust, raise my children to know that they are forever worthy and so incredibly loved and always protected, never allow that hateful vile things that went on in my life to ever come anywhere near there precious existence. I am not a victim I am a survivor I was born to make things better and that is who I am.

Original work by: Tamara Siegfried

Speaking My Truth :

Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible? That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it.

Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again. This time from a different view point.

You, I… it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame… perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified.

Changes in perception, brought about this revelation… I am no better than you or anyone.

I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears…. For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right.

Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved.

What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally. I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves.

Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up.

I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us… especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”. Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom.

Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity. I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together.

No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything. Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow.

I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself.

I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned. My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will.

Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified!

It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way… in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,

Tami Siegfried

11/14/16

She was all I ever wanted…

she was everything, she took my breath away the second I looked into her eyes I knew I was done for, those green/hazel/steel ever changing eyes that had captivated me from the very instant they met mine. Her smile that screamed of cocky arrogance, confidence, fear and uncertainty all in one she is magnificent and yes I say is because with my heart this is how I still see her. Her hair was long and curly always pulled back with a fitted cap because god forbid the slightest bit of femininity come through where she can prevent it because she wants the world to see her as anything other than weak damaged broken or fragile but that is exactly who she is and I saw it right away and I was more than content to be her safety and she was protective and strong all the same it was a beautiful disaster right from the start and I was trapped in this illusion, that her and I could conquer it all, I trusted her from the very start like I had trusted no one before and I love her still now and I only want to go back to the days where every thing fell apart and pick up those fucked up pieces and glue us back together because how do I even begin to know me when I am so lost in you, I call for you but you don’t hear me anymore even when your looking right at me. So many promises broken this once amazing empire has been ripped apart piece by piece and you don’t even care to stop it from being completely demolished you are the only one who has the power to stop the fall of our love but instead of taking accountability your too busy trying to place blame and convince the three who love you most that you haven’t transferred all of your soul, love and attention to pills oxy perc for what a temporary relief from the pain your parents inflicted when they should have been instilling love, trust and reassuring you that the monsters under your bed didn’t stand a chance. I am sorry for that but your not alone in this pain I lived it too and still I’m here reassuring you and trying to be by your side but you come and go and I’m cold and alone and our house is more of a battlefield than a home and with you I’m bad for everybody because I find it hard to not want the cold hard sharp metal on my skin to bring down any feeling at all and that warm familiar sensation dripping and still I fight even with no fight left in me because this last year has drained me of everything and I search for reasons and I see the faces of my babies and I stand and wipe myself off, I fall to my knees crying shaking and I get up only to fall again and I grab hold and stand, I won’t give up.

2/2014

I tell everyone I love stay out of your head it is a beautiful liar that will destroy everything. Live from your heart and your intuition.

You can find reasons to not move forward, they are everywhere. Or you can simply just start something new.

No I won’t bullshit myself or you, this week has been hard the energies insane. New tests, end of cycles, old wounds coming up for healing again in different ways, that brought feelings of uncertainty and that made me fear failure.

I was in and out of good vibes and low times and that is absolutely okay! It’s what I needed while I worked through it. Clarity comes when you’re open and when it came to me I was great for a few hours and then I set myself up for failure.. I had so much trust and belief that something amazing was going to happen in my life at that moment that when it ended up being just another day I was heart broken.

I took away from myself the opportunity to see the beauty that was unfolding all around me. Instead I was back in a place of fear and worry… this is also absolutely okay! This time I didn’t throw the pity party. I actually started to feel like I was failing and not reaching my goals because fuck let’s be honest we are our own worst critic. I started questioning everything and I couldn’t contain my tears anymore.

So I did what any self respecting spiritualist would do, I called my best friend crying, I threw my head on my girlfriends shoulder and asked my kids to get me a banana split. I still heal it is honestly never ending.

I took a moment to breathe I realized why it was hitting me all so hard. When you have endured and thrived your entire life despite all the attempts to crush & destroy you. When you spend decades healing and find your strength, when you raise yourself up and live in your truth & knowing. Things happen to show you life is still life and sometimes it hurts. Yes it may hurt but it is in a different way, it doesn’t hurt as long and I have found it gets worked through easily but it needs to be worked through and honored just the same.

Long story short.. I am no better than you, you are no better than me. We all hurt and yes we become better versions of ourselves everyday if we try, but the real truth is healers and those you seek for wisdom have off days too. Anyone who tells you they don’t is simply trying to speak it into existence..

Things can be scary, we still struggle, everyday tasks, bills and responsibilities build up, life is expensive and things happen. IT NEVER MEANS THAT YOUR FAILING!! Don’t let a bad moment make you forget that you are AMAZING! You are doing great! You are making a difference. Your love saves lives. So never be afraid to speak your truth even if it’s messy, trust me the truth gives healing to those who are seeking. It doesn’t matter what part of our spiritual journey we are on, what matters is that we are authentic and loving. We are in this together.

I love you so much and you need to know it’s going to be better than you could have imagined it. You just keep being the authentic you! Remember your light shines the way for those stuck in the dark.