I killed a part of myself today yet not in a usual way, no one took notice I’m sad to say.
I can’t blame them the part of me that died today no one else knew existed it was the part of me that came alive when I was with you. You didn’t know it happened and you will never mourn because you walked away from me after telling me you loved me and you would always be there.
I had already learned that your actions and your words rarely ring true. It was the same pattern that had been shown to me so many times before not only by you, truthfully by everyone who had ever walked through a door and into my life.
I had to wonder if it was me and took a good look at my time here.
I realized i was damaged by the traumas of the past.
I loved to much and I cared to deeply, love was always looking to protect the ones who wished to destroy and deceive me.
Love to me isn’t a game like many who chose to play it believe it be.
Love is a bond built on truth and vulnerability how can I trust me with you when you don’t even know what love is supposed to do?
How can I simply be me when you get threatened by what that means for you? We are not the same you’re here to play games and I seek truth and clarity I don’t give a damn what this world thinks of me.
This isn’t a popularity contest to me it’s about living my truth authentically.
Big money fast cars and some bling on your arm doesn’t mean shit when you have all that chaos on your mind and in your heart.
The path to redemption begins in your soul, it brings you back to the past to understand how you became the person you are.
A deep truth and personal accountability is needed if you are to get past this part.
The past is hard and no one wants to admit it but we have all fucked up it’s time to go back to the beginning. Once we understand how it came to be we can begin the undoing of the trauma and set ourselves free.
I love in love, I’ve learned a better way. It’s more then what you say, but also how you say it. Love speaks through all that you do, it’s in the words you choose and the way that you move. It flows through you and others feel and see it too. Love is who I am, love is what I do. Love is free and love is true, understand the ways of love start with simply being you. You before the world told you who you should be, go back to your better days when you could just be free.
I believe in love, it’s been there for all the change. No matter the trauma or the pain love stood by my side while I felt lost and afraid. It wasn’t a love from another not always you’ll see. The deepest love I’ve ever known has come from within me.
I’ve consoled myself when I couldn’t take anymore. I woke myself up and pushed me towards the door. I’ve wiped my tears and rocked through my cries. I’ve stayed by my side through all the goodbyes. I am in love with myself it’s how I survive in this life.
I live in love for me it’s the only way.
I exist in love, I exist for change.
I laugh in love, my heart is free.
I know who I am, inside and out. I am free to love in the purest ways, without judgement without shame, never a worry, never blame.
I am never worried about who she wants me to be. I showed her everything the world said was bad about me. I was so scared god I remember. I cried like a baby so afraid of rejection. I showed her the hair on my chin and my neck, she kissed me so deeply, holding me as I cried.
She lifted me into her arms and kissed me a million times at least it felt like that anyway. She told me I was absolutely gorgeous and I could see it in her eyes. She meant every word she was saying.
I was almost embarrassed by my surprise, I tested her again I was still so afraid so I showed her all my scars would she still choose to stay? She is absolutely finitely in love with me. She doesn’t hide away from me all the ways she was told not to be. We embrace all the beautiful things that make us who we are.
I don’t have to speak for her. I speak for only me, I know it’s true in all she does it’s in the way she moves. in the way she treats me. Haven’t we been picked apart enough, love is a safe place in which we’ve built on trust.
I feel in love, with everything in me
I think in love, I open my mind. It’s not about me all of the time, I think about it all and I make sure I understand, I ask questions seeking clarity when I don’t understand. I trust in the communication we’ve built, I am free to ask without shame or guilt. We teach and learn from each other as we go, how can we learn if we’re so afraid to ask we pretend to know.
I know in love, I don’t own you, you are not mine.
I learn in love, change happens all the time. I am only me. I control my time. I share it with those who I choose. This is my life, these are my rules.
I evolve in love, I stand by you until you decline.
I grow in love, Boundaries set are safe and kind.
I morph in love, I adapt there is no blame it’s life.
I change in love, I simply exist to be. In an ever changing world, I grow rapidly.
I soar in love, I speak my will there is no confusion. We all know what to do.
I rise in love, I trust you with me. We speak in love it happens so easily.
I speak in love- I only mean what I say. There is no confusion or in between.
I scribe in love- to share the way. Love is the answer to changing the ways.
I see in love- Nothing else exists. I observe who you are and I understand why.
I perceive in love- I see everyone’s perspectives and can understand why.
I understand in love- It’s not my place to judge, I’m not perfect all of the time.
I will in love- All I desire to be. This begins in us all, for you as for me.
I desire in love- all that is for me. Love is peace. I hope you understand it would be a dream to me.
I dream in love- I breath life into motion. My dreams are messages of love from me, that I choose to share with a chosen few.
I color the world in love- I light the path for those who can see, so they may find the way. Only pure hearts can understand what I say.
I stand for what I love- All that is right and true. Right is right but only when right is right for everyone not just you.
I die when I cease to love- There is nothing left to feel. The pain is to intense, this life cannot be real. I look for an escape a way to make it through the day.
Can anybody see me am I even real?
I love so I fight for a better way. I want everyone to live a life they love so they don’t have to numb their life away. We don’t have to do it alone anymore, it’s safe to want to be free. Change happens rapidly we only need to realize, it begins with you and me.
I become in love when I fall in love with myself- The only way to heal yourself is to embrace and love all of yourself. The parts you hate that you’ve wished away. They are beautiful parts that you were taught to hate. I’m sorry others made you feel that way.
I know in love- This life gets tiring and we all need help, it’s too much for us to be expected to do it all by ourselves.
Help is out there if you should need. Do what you need to make it through another day, don’t give up change is on the way.
I am proud in love- I’m proud of you for being so strong so long.
What I’ve watched you go through, the heart break and suffering in silence, you’ve fought your way through it all!
You searched for a better way and kept your heart pure. You made your focus on true love and what is right for all. You kept unconditional love, understanding and concern in your heart and lived it at all times.
You never judged another you simply tried to understand the differences and respected everyone equally and their ways, understanding your way isn’t the only way and that is just fine.
I know you’re scared and tired. I know you feel like this pain will never end, I know in your heart and soul you can’t accept that to be the truth.
I’m so proud of you because it wasn’t for nothing and dreams do come true.
The pain is coming to an end it’s the Dawn of Anew way forward together!
New days are here. Those with pure hearts please lift your heads once and for all.
You’re divinely protected in the heart of infinite love.
The point of this spiritual journey is to bring us back to whole.
During the hard times as we experience heartbreaking goodbyes and traumas resurface we are taught how to learn how to love and honor ourselves fully so we can awaken to our truth and full potential.
When we release fear in all aspects and step into our authentic being shedding the judgement of others. We release the beliefs put on us about who we were expected to be, finally being seen and appreciated for who we truly are.
It’s hard at times without a doubt but it is the most beautiful love you will ever experience once you begin living what you’re speaking. The work isn’t easy and yes there are times when you feel like you can’t take anymore.
Please keep going don’t give up, I promise all the pain wasn’t for nothing. Your truth will be revealed ignorance is dying as we educate others.
Don’t fear the unknown embrace the changes and live your life for you! You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt and that’s the end of the rainbow everything else suddenly falls into place!
I speak from absolute experience I have no reason to lie to you. ~Tami Irizarry Love doesn’t hurt. Toxicity does. Evolve.
I took this picture yesterday proof is all around if you choose to see! 🙌🏽🤍♾🕊🗣
As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul will keep, if I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
If I shall wake another day I pray the Lord shows man the way, to clarity and understanding that right is only right, when it is right for all. Or it isn’t right for all.
Each interaction I lose more hope, the cruelty and lack of understanding, humanity is losing hope and I can’t take anymore pain. Why do I fight for change when it remains the same and I’m always the one to blame?
I do it because I deserved better than what happened to me, we all did and we can’t change the past. What we can do is change ourselves and stop it from happening in the future. We didn’t realize the damage that was happening in time and our children had to endure the pain as well.
Our grandchildren deserve better and change comes when we start openly honestly communicating with each other and holding the appropriate people responsible and accountable for their actions.
We can stop blaming the victims and stop protecting the villains as we claim ignorance, it continues to happen because many play deaf dumb or blind.
They Can’t comprehend how someone can lose it all, they’ve never had to struggle, they’ve never had to truly fall. For them I’m glad they had the right support in life. Some of us aren’t so fortunate after all.
Instead of trying to understand, or even wonder how it would feel if it were them. They make hate filled judgments and laugh at the pain.
If this is what it’s all for please don’t wake me anymore, I’m tired. I want to rest now.
Now if you want to open hearts and restore faith please send me forth for all days!
I’m sick to my stomach, stress and anxiety are absolutely heightened my PTSD is triggered and I’m again finding that all of this was caused by the immature and wrong actions of another.
Yet here I am left dealing with the consequences of those inactions or actions, depending on how you want to look at it. Now what I want to know is when does it stop?
When do we begin holding adults accountable for their narcissistic temper tantrums? When do we say enough is enough to toxicity and take a stand against it once and for all?
I know I’m standing up to answer the call, not just because it affects me alone, but when you think of it this blatant disregard for humanity affects us all.
Let’s take it back to my landlord let’s call him Mr. My father is a real estate attorney, aka Mr. Privilege. I rent an illegal home attached to air bnb, the part about it being illegal was unknown to me. Until today when I was forced to look up building codes, that’s another story for another day.
Right here right now I’ve got too much to say, I can’t stop now or I’ll let this train get away. So back to where I am currently. I pay $1595 to live where I do, it’s absolutely beautiful and exactly what I needed at the perfect time too.
What I also didn’t know is that my landlord Mr.Privilege wasn’t as nice of a guy as I thought. Again my desire to see the good in others still has the ability to blind me against the reality of who they are proving to be. Note taken!! So when the latest air bnb’s guest brought their dogs, I was absolutely startled they arrived after we were in bed and the dogs were going nuts.
I didn’t blame them it’s a scary to be in a new place, I know it can be rough. So in the morning when the owners left I wasn’t really shocked that the dogs were barking non stop. After two and a half hours of non stop barking, I was really getting concerned and my nerves were beginning to wear thin. I messaged my landlord and here is where this drama begins.
The first text and his response was absolutely fine!he even apologized, the air bnb people came back and took care of the dogs all was fine. My landlord even checked to make sure the dogs had calmed down, what a great guy!
Crisis adverted but would I be so lucky the next time they went out again? The answer was no and for $1595 a month I didn’t sign up to feel as if I was living in a kennel, it didn’t seem fair but I shrugged my shoulder and went on without a care.
I went out and enjoyed my day, went into nature and spent time with a friend. Came back to my house to make dinner and it started again. The dogs wouldn’t stop barking with every sound I would make once their parents left them they must have been scared in a new place. I reached out again for help after another 2 & 1/2 hours.
This time I wasn’t met with kindness, instead I was treated as an inconvenience bullied slandered attacked threatened and now I’m being evicted. I wish there was some amazing tale to tell you but in all honesty that’s the long and short of it. This time at least I noticed and stood up for myself this time right away.
So this is what Mr. Privilege had to say.. I’m not doing this all summer with the air bnb guests you have 60 days to get out. You’re in violation of your lease. He also tried to throw some false accusations my way. The problem is this when you lie manipulate and bully someone it’s just not a good look.
Oh let me tell you about last Sunday, this one was really for the books! In my lease I have a back lot, it’s my parking and yard area I pay for it. So Mr. Privilege comes to assert toxic male dominance and brings a male counterpart each with a big truck to further intimidate me. He tells me to move my car, my personal vehicle from my parking area so he can park his trailer there right now or he is towing my car.
Literally no joke.
I have already at this point explained that I will be spoken to as an equal and to please keep it professional and business like, I’m not your friend, child, mother or wife. I am your tenant and we have a legally binding contract to be withheld on both sides. All I am asking for is basic human decency and consideration.
I know I am more then considerate when he asks me to throw away the air bnbs trash as recycling every week. As well as all the nights I can’t even sleep in my own home because of endless parties until after 2 am.
Guess what.. Nope I am not the one hosting them, but anywhere you sit in my home you wouldn’t know the difference. It’s so loud I think there’s something that helps with noise is it proper installation?
Regardless, here I am now and allow me to explain the layout of my house as I sat at home today, then we can get to why I’m truly feeling this way. We shall begin with a picture!
See those steps? That’s my front door, the cars aren’t mine they are from the air bnb.
So I have exactly one exit, you enter it’s my kitchen you go upstairs and I am above the air bnb. No escape, no back door, no front escape I’m literally surrounded. However this is the funny thing I wouldn’t have cared. It was their mother’s 80th birthday! I didn’t say a word.
So let’s rewind to 5:22 am this Sunday morning , I receive an email from Mr.Privilege about a review the previous air bnb rental made. I will enclose all info because I need your input guys. What would you do? If this were you and you lived here? I can’t afford to move and I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Yet to me it seems clear.
Email from Mr.Privilege The air bnb review but look below there’s proof! Again that’s my front door no other entrance or exit point. However the air bnb renters are given a back yard with gazebo and ping pong table, grill etc and an entire front yard. This isn’t it this is a common driveway shared my multiple units there’s isn’t included they also have separate parking up front.
This was my reply to my landlord.
As per your request I am only to email you after you told me you were falsely evicting me in 60 days because you weren’t going to do this all summer with the air bnb guests. Then you persist to email me this telling me about complaints again completely unheard of and you’ve never before mentioned it. Now what you have done and I can’t comprehend how an adult business man can literally be fueled by emotion and not logic. Which was what I asked for when dealing with. Speak to me as an equal I am not your child.
Regardless I will address your message. That is not at what happened yet moving as per your response I am only to email you. The thing about opinions they are interesting, however they are not facts. I can absolutely provide proof of interactions and witnesses which were outside at the time.
I was outside smoking on my porch mid day I am absolutely well within my rights to be on my porch in my area on phone and ask some to quiet down, it’s one of the minimal spaces I have. It’s a drive way not yard. In the same aspect the same consideration is what I’ve been asking for yet you have a problem with me when I ask for it. However you have no issue accepting my rent. Please make it make sense.
Moving forward let’s readdress this false eviction based on lies on 2/19/2022 you stated We have 60 days were being evicted because I asked you for you help with the dogs at the air bnb the instant you lied and accused me you’re right the dynamic absolutely changed. How would you feel if someone slandered your good name with lies?
Now you come with this.
What?!???!??!??!?Crickets ever since 🦗 🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗
Yet I’m the one in tears all day with my stomach in knots. How is this right for anyone at all? What if it were you?
Thank you for reading it really does help to write it all out and put it into perspective for me. Maybe when things get hard try writing about it, you really do feel better since you’re not forced to silently hold it all in.
Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day!! Happy birthday to the 80 year old granny in the attached house many many more amazing years for you to come! What a beautiful gift to celebrate someone! I hope at that age I’m that blessed. A little understanding saves a lot of unneeded stress! 🤍🕊♾
Have you ever wondered why? Perhaps we should try and understand if we contributed to the hurt that these people are unleashing.
Understand this loves, If you personally hurt someone and it was intentionally or unintentionally they have the right to how they feel.
If you truly love them you will be willing to listen to understand without being defensive, If we can start living with understanding instead of judgement perhaps we can acknowledge that we are all suffering and trying to do the best we can.
If you didn’t have any hand in hurting them perhaps show a little grace and realize they may not know a better way exists.
Kindness matters to yourself and others. It helps to heal hearts, then we can find who we truly are under all the pain we’ve endured. It’s time we do better together educate each other. Hold all as accountable as you hold yourself. 🕊🤍♾~ Tami Irizarry We can change this world together!
Allow me to share this nugget of knowledge with you. Release the beliefs that you know anything about another, you do not you simply know yourself and what you don’t wish to acknowledge within is shown to you through your interactions with others. Before you should anyone remember this, don’t tell me what I should do and I won’t tell you what you should do. When we avoid our own healing because we’re too stuck to realize it is us crying to be healed, we project it on to others and while that is beautiful and so sharing it’s important to give that love and attention to yourself. Bless up Queens and Kings. 🤍🕊♾ Love Forevermore -Tami Irizarry.
I simply wish for us to do better, to live a life of peace, true love, and joy. With honest open communication, this can be achieved. I know because I live it every day of my life.
I depend on absolute honesty because it is what I give, any form of manipulation however good you may think you are doing is still only causing harm.
If I know your intentions I can plan my life accordingly. It is far kinder, to be honest than to keep someone waiting around when you have no intentions of following through.
You’re only preventing them from moving forward and although you may say it is because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
I promise in the long run you’re doing more harm than good with the little white lies.
It’s time, to be honest.
Give people a chance instead of assuming their actions and reactions.
Stop and consider how you make others feel, this life isn’t a one-way road of taking what you can and never worrying about anyone else.
If this is how you choose to live may I ask how it would feel if this is how you were treated?
When people cause you intentional pain that they are aware of letting them go is self-love.
If you’re unsure if they know they hurt you tell them and ask them to stop.
Stop assuming people know, use your voice and speak up and say something.
If someone is controlling who you can talk to and when please realize that isn’t healthy it’s abusive to control the actions of another. It stems from fear and insecurity that If another has access to you they will lose control.
With anything in your life make it make sense to you in every way and if it doesn’t make sense it’s time to find out why!
Master manipulators are out there yes and trust they cannot continue to thrive once we stop accepting their behaviors. Most people aren’t evil they’re just hurt little kids pretending they’re grown trying to do the best they can, it’s time to grow and learn.
There is absolutely a balance, it is achievable, We owe it to ourselves and the future to try.
We all deserve love.
Yet love as we have been taught is painful and untrue it is mixed with other emotions that it never belonged to.
Love doesn’t exist freely where there are lies and manipulation.
Trust can never be formed truly where there are lies and manipulation.
What we have learned is love mixed with control and manipulation, love controlled and manipulated turns into regret.
Regret turns into pain, pain into grief, grief into despair, fear and anxiety come along and bring loss. Don’t you see?
It’s 2022 Let’s gift each other honesty and clear communication. No one is asking for perfection simply progress let’s try and be better.
Teach ourselves, our children, and parents how to break the cycles, by speaking up for what’s right at home!!
It’s time to stop allowing Weak-minded individuals to control the narrative of the story by keeping you in a place of fear, shame, or guilt.
Speak up for yourself and others.
This isn’t about blaming anyone.
Bad things that happened to all of us, generational trauma is very real, look around.
Some have had it far worse than others yes, We are not blind, We are not deaf, We are not mute.
We see the evil. We call out the evil, We end it together. We are aware.
We are the change we’ve been waiting for, It is up to us to stop allowing it to continue!
Remember this above all right is right when it is right and just for all not just some.
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 