Awakening

True story time October 2020 what a crime. Loving a narcissist.

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I had a mental breakdown during the pandemic after I had successfully left my narcissist and healed I had moved on happy in life and love finally rebuilding it was amazing. Now I will say I was finally simply being loved no longer abused and that was for the first time in my entire life.


It’s safe to say my standard and understanding of my self… care, value, worth had changed as the love continued to proved trustworthy and I was no longer allowing any toxicity in my life.

I also had a 21 year old and a 18yr old who was ready to not hear mom complaining he wasn’t ready to grow in the ways I expected.
Here comes my narcissistic abusive ex with promises of no rent or responsibility a total bro pad of course he jumped.


I was absolutely devastated how could he choose abuse over doing the right thing. It was easy to see it was comfortable and change was scary it means you had to be responsible and he simply wasn’t ready.

That wasn’t his fault it was mine too much time and energy trying to save a narcissist who was intentionally trying to destroy me and I was so blind I believed it was love and lost myself somewhere in time.

Anyway my world shattered I was trying to sort it all out, after a life of abuse we finally had a happy healthy home and we were thriving I tried to understand what I did wrong and I came undone.

They came for his belongings my ex made it violent I had to involve the authorities within days I was completely gone into despair pain anger confusion rage hate omg you name it I was embodying it.

Yet my mind and senses remained in tack so I was fighting with my 21 year old at 1 am I’m tired and hurt I want to sleep she wants to be heard and refuses to let me be.

I can no longer contain the pain in me it pours out in every word I speak it escalates quickly hands are placed I break free and walk away. Out front the door of my home where I find police officers coming up the stairs I stopped and talked to them and that was my biggest mistake I should have just kept walking into nature as I intended.

I thought I would be safe I thought I was doing the right thing.

I was never allowed home after that night I lost everything and now I have pending charges on my life.

I’m not allowed to speak any more while it’s pending funny free isn’t free..I can’t speak on those who wronged me I’m on trial how can it be? It feels like a witch hunt to me. I also have footage I’m not stupid you see. A change is here and it began with me!

Narcissist Vs Empath

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When it comes to what you think you know about a person and who they truly are you know nothing.

Many will only show you the parts of themselves that they want you to see. Remember that they can only share what they are ready to reveal to themselves.

You know only what people tell you

People will tell you only what they want you to know and only the version they want you to hear.

Human nature is to present the best version to fit into society and give people the best first impression.

Over time the truth of who a person truly is starts to be revealed once they’ve obtained their goal in securing a relationship with you, many will come to find a shift has occurred.

Suddenly things that were once relevant and meant the most fade, you start to see the person isn’t quite the same as they presented themselves to be when you first met and started your relationship.

Here is the kicker look back you will often come to find that the red flags and warning signs were all around.

The problem you loved them absolutely you didn’t see them for who they were….

In my case because of past trauma I believed the way I was being treated was my fault, something I had done wrong so I internalized it and believed I was unworthy, broken.

I felt If I could find the proper way to love, if I stoped being so me, if I would just do what they were asking and stopped being so disagreeable I would be enough.

So I made myself very small and I stopped fighting for me and I prayed they would go back to the person they were when it all began.

I never stopped to think they weren’t caring or loving me in the same way. Never did I imagine they weren’t there for love but only for what they could take from me to help them feel better about what they could never be.

If someone has to take something from you it is because they lack the ability to create it for themselves.. IF THEY TOOK FROM YOU ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIFT BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.

So while I was pouring all my love and care into them they were more then happy to take it all with no regard to me, I begged and pleaded for the abusive behaviors to change but they didn’t cease.

When I was drained completely, there was no love for me there was no care or healing reciprocity there was nothing not even a thought.

I was discarded this is what happens when you fall in love with a narcissist you’re in it for love they’re in it for the challenge of the game.

Life is full of narcissistic ways it’s time we stop destroying others and calling it love.

Welcome to the battle of humanity and love this is end game.

It’s not you actually yes it is…

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Listen no one is gonna come save you, you have to stand up and say enough is enough. If your life isn’t what you want it’s time to stand up and take control stop focusing on all the ways the hurt you and start showing yourself that you were not what they made you feel and the ways they have hurt you.


That is completely on them you never deserved the pain.
Now your life is your responsibility and it’s time you take accountability for how you let others treat you.


This is your life stand up and fight to make your dreams come true you have a beautiful heart and soul you deserve peace and love but you have to stand up for yourself if you want it.

When you honor yourself, when you walk in your authenticity and full integrity there is nothing left to fear.

Stop waiting for others to do what’s right for you that’s your job.

We teach others how to treat us by what we allow it’s time to make ourselves a priority in our own life.

Letter to my father John N Irizarry

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See I am forced to go public the pain is too much to hold I didn’t leave and abandon you I was a year old.

Yet I paid with my mind, heart, little body and soul. When I found you at 18 you had an amazing life that’s for sure.. I didn’t fit in I was a burden you said it and walked away yet again.

Then 2019 came I hadn’t heard from you in such a long time I was honestly ecstatic maybe this was it my time to matter to you, sadly it was not instead your mother was dying and none of your children cared to support you. Carly a sister that isn’t a sister to me had you reach out and hand that burden to me.

Family means everything and I was so grateful until you all took advantage and tried to use me you have to understand how that confused me and still I paid for it all, just to spend time making memories it was worth it I thought.

Then my birthday or Christmas not even a card did I receive I finally broke down and why didn’t you care about me? Your response broke my heart and my mind my spirit started to break free.. After what you said to me.

It wouldn’t be fair to your sisters yours hers and another sisters, I was devastated this is a joke right this is the first chance to do something nice and try to make up for all you never cared to do. Yet you were my father why did her daughters get two yet I got none. That hurt little girl isn’t done and she will be heard.

Your cruel words help crash down my world I had a mental breakdown from this disease of insanity you all handed to me by not behaving like adults and handling your responsibilities.

Have a conversation like an adult you literally created this chaos by ignoring your responsibility now the issue came in when u suffered my entire childhood because youcouldnt do the right thing. Then you blame and shame me for my lack of success who are you to put that on me?

You laid in the bed and got my mother pregnant you chose to walk away and never help.
You didn’t care if I lived or died and still to this day you can’t be bothered to make the wrongs right.

Instead you’re so worried about maintaining the status you tried to secure yourself with a false image that you present.
I won’t live ignored hidden taking all the blame I will speak and be heard.
Men like you are the problem in this world.
I will do all I can to change this and use my pain as the example.

Are you the villain?

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They call us victims and truth is we are… they hurt, lie, destroy and manipulate affecting our lives for their own benefit.

With zero regard to how we would be affected, we were the victims. Into silence we were shamed because we loved them and wanted to be loved to be accepted by them.

We allowed them to do whatever because we really loved and didn’t know any better. We were children learning, we learned to do as we were told.

We paid the ultimate price holding all the secrets we never told.


We with our children had to live with the repercussions of their actions and our lives were extremely negatively impacted.

We were set up way below the bar of a normal healthy stable starting point in life many of us struggle to achieve what everyone else was helped to achieve and already received a stable foundation.

Instead of love, understanding and help we received the blame, shame, judgment, negativity, guilt, hate and shit talking all over our innocent names.

You threw us away instead of facing your shame and taking the blame it’s because of you it started this way, no heat we were so overcome in pain we had no way to even begin to think of an escape.


We had no idea of what was happening to us this had been the only way of life and love we’ve ever known, we had no one else this was our home.

We didn’t know we were allowed to take back control of ourselves and our lives and make it our own!

I’ve been blamed my whole life now I’m proud to be the villain, truth will be spoken. In case you haven’t realized silent children grow up to be loud adults looking for justice!

I was possessed by the devil and you may be too. I found my way out of hell so can you!

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I was possessed by the devil

The devil of our society.

I was corrupted from my innocence with all the perverted ways they taught me.

I was abandoned in the depths of hell an innocent child left to fend for herself.

I was sent into the darkest abyss of the deranged heart and mind.

I paid the full price for crimes that were not mine.

I love and cared the whole time,

Yet none would return the love unconditionally only with terms would they agree to tolerate me, using a toxic love to placate me as they twisted my heart and manipulated me.

Not one until she, a love so pure, it set me free simply by allowing me to be loved just for being me.

A safe place to finally breathe to lay my head and take the walls down slowly to see who she truly was and what she came to offer me.

Would it be a lesson or a blessing? I always knew the lesson was she is my greatest blessing in love, finally I found peace. Now it was time to break free from the shackles that had bonded me into a fake love interwoven with toxicity.

A new way I had come to see one where love and peace would exist independent of toxicity and the path is easy only the truth need to be spoken and understood.

Sounds well and good yet willful ignorance isn’t to be underestimated or misunderstood. It is the cancer in our society and it doesn’t do anyone any good.

Wtf

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📣PSA:
This is in all aspects home, work, life & love

If you can’t depend on those on your team they don’t belong on your team it’s what I’m learning right now.

Demote. Fire. Hire. Promote. Accordingly.

Stop wasting time we need people we can count on. People will gladly come to take whatever you have to give yet they can’t honor their commitments.

This is all beyond disgusting im over every one and everything when I stop to see the reality of it all and call it what it is.

People will continue to do what they want with zero regard to how it affects you, until you choose to stop it.
You set the bar for how others treat you.

Most people are only self serving they have no sense of responsibility or accountability.

There are no consequences to their poor behaviors so they do whatever the they want.

No issue there until it interferes with my life…

Keep your messy to yourself if it runs over to my side I will address it.

How to play the narcissists game and save yourself!

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She was all I ever wanted…
She took my breath away the second I looked into her eyes I knew I was done for, I didn’t realize I was suffocating on bullshit.

Was it her green ever changing eyes that had captivated me from the very instant they met mine or was it her smile that screamed of cocky arrogance, confidence, fear and uncertainty all in one?

Her hair was long and curly always pulled back with a fitted cap because god forbid the slightest bit of femininity come through where she can prevent it because she wants the world to see her as anything other than weak damaged broken or fragile but that is exactly who she is and I saw it right away.

I was more than content to be her safety and she was protective and strong all the same it was a beautiful disaster right from the start and I was trapped in this illusion, that her and I could conquer it all. That love would prevail and integrity would save us all.

I trusted her from the very start like I had trusted no one before and she played on my kindness and my love. I almost killed myself destroying everything else trying to save her from herself.

I was so lost in her I had become a stranger to myself and everyone I loved. I had no idea I had destroyed me to save her, I was alone scared abused and calling out for help.

I called for you but you didn’t hear me even when you were looking right at me. So many promises broken this once amazing empire had been ripped apart piece by piece and you didn’t even care to stop it from being completely demolished.

Instead you blamed me for reacting and releasing all the pain and trauma you gave to me. I pleaded for truth and love you laughed and continued the gaslighting and mind games I was no longer naive I was no longer the same.

No one was coming I had to save myself.

I started fighting back and recording her, I made sure to check facts and keep proof, the worst part is when I confronted her.. she laughed and admitted she knew exactly what she was doing it was intentional and deliberate.

One person alone cannot save a relationship. She was the only one who had the power to stop us from falling apart but instead of taking accountability she was too busy trying to place blame and convince the three of us who loved her most that we were the problem.

It wasn’t the fact that she gave all of her love and attention to pills. Percocet mattered not us I was simply a way for her to get what she needed for a temporary relief from the pain.

She wasn’t alone in this pain I lived it too abusive childhoods is something we both knew all to well, still I was there reassuring her always by her side but she came and went and I grew tired of being cold and alone. Our house was more of a battlefield than a home and with her I was bad for everybody.

Especially the kids I saw changes in them. I didn’t understand those changes came from living in our home of toxicity drug addiction is death to family.

I didn’t understand the ones who paid for all of our hell and trauma were my babies the only two people I had vowed to love and protect.

This wasn’t love and I was not allowing my choices to hurt them anymore. I had to leave I went to the door.

The abuse I endured while fighting to save her was more then any one person, child or family should have to be go through. She was toxic af and would do what ever she had to as long as she got what she wanted it doesn’t matter who she hurt.

Staying with you would have cost me my life I was trapped in your web of manipulation and lies. I was so foolish I believed it was love that entire time, yet I constantly felt like I was losing my mind.

I saw the faces of my babies and I stood up and wiped myself off I couldn’t allow this to be all they saw when they thought of love. They deserve better and for them to understand they have to see it from me.

I was done with you laughing as you played with my heart and mind, bringing me to my knees making cry as you took all you wanted. So I focused on me and my best life I finally started.

I found the strength to cut you off and heal me. I walked away and started to create the life of my dreams. That must have killed a you because you came in hard with full Intent to destroy me.

News flash baby you didn’t succeed. You will always be fake and I will always be me.

Now I speak up to educate others and set them free. No one deserves to live a life that isn’t based in reality, if it’s all lies what’s the point that isn’t love it’s simply a game.

We call out abuse over here, we see the damage it caused all to clear, we stand up for our children, the toxicity ends here. GAME OVER. SNAP BACK TO REALITY. THERE IS A BETTER WAY FOR EVERYONE ITS STARTS WITH INTEGRITY, TRUTH & HONESTY !

It’s time to understand how it all happened.

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When it comes to our children they should come first.

Children don’t learn primarily by what we say. Babies are wise, they observe everything we do, and that is where they begin to mimic our actions and learn.

Then they hear all we have to say and it is confusing for children who see the major difference in what you do versus what you say. You’re teaching them to not trust your word.

They begin to walk the path of losing faith.

Then children try to cocreate their world and speak their needs. Some are met with abuse yells and screams. Here is where they’re taught their needs don’t mean a thing.

They begin to lose value in self.

Children excited, beaming with pride so happy they run inside, tracking a mess on the floor you just swept to show you the flower they picked for you.

Instead of love and appreciation, you just tried your parents patience and now you get all the stress that they’ve been holding in. The effort isn’t worth the price you’ll pay.

You learn to feel all the blame and guilt for simply trying to do something good.

Look I’m a parent who was a child who endured abuse. I’m healing it. This i come to find is true.

We all do the best we can do. Unfortunately, we make mistakes. We were taught what we know. We may have picked up and discarded some methods along the way. I know it may have caused major damages, yet at least they stayed and tried.

Unlike the cowards who abandoned their kids blaming the other parent for being the problem, crazy, angry, abusive absolutely insane… so why is okay for your child to be forced to live a life like that without you there to watch their back and protect them?

Exactly! Make it make sense. Stop buying the lies of these little children pretending to be women and men.

They didn’t ask to be born. It’s time all parents do what’s right for their children and learn to grow up and stop behaving like children themselves.

What are we teaching our children about how to behave when they see us act in these ignorant ways?

Now do you see how society has changed and yes we’re all to blame when we do nothing to force change and stop these toxic ways.

It’s time to get back to heart of the matters again. Tami Irizarry

The way forward is found through commitment to change for the greater good.

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Difference between narcissist and someone healing from narcissistic abuse

Narcissist committed to themselves to get what they want no matter pain to others. Careless

Committed to change in self. Want to better themselves and find a better way forward. Once someone heals from narcissistic pain fully they become the change we have been waiting to see.

This is the road to victory.

I’ve already begun speaking my truth I’ve endured enough pain for any one else to have to experience the same.

When we share our stories we can understand we’re not alone as we’ve been made to feel, there are others going through similar things. We call it out and then we begin.

Are you ready to stand up and join me?