I killed a part of myself today yet not in a usual way, no one took notice I’m sad to say.
I can’t blame them the part of me that died today no one else knew existed it was the part of me that came alive when I was with you. You didn’t know it happened and you will never mourn because you walked away from me after telling me you loved me and you would always be there.
I had already learned that your actions and your words rarely ring true. It was the same pattern that had been shown to me so many times before not only by you, truthfully by everyone who had ever walked through a door and into my life.
I had to wonder if it was me and took a good look at my time here.
I realized i was damaged by the traumas of the past.
I loved to much and I cared to deeply, love was always looking to protect the ones who wished to destroy and deceive me.
Love to me isn’t a game like many who chose to play it believe it be.
Love is a bond built on truth and vulnerability how can I trust me with you when you don’t even know what love is supposed to do?
How can I simply be me when you get threatened by what that means for you? We are not the same you’re here to play games and I seek truth and clarity I don’t give a damn what this world thinks of me.
This isn’t a popularity contest to me it’s about living my truth authentically.
Big money fast cars and some bling on your arm doesn’t mean shit when you have all that chaos on your mind and in your heart.
The path to redemption begins in your soul, it brings you back to the past to understand how you became the person you are.
A deep truth and personal accountability is needed if you are to get past this part.
The past is hard and no one wants to admit it but we have all fucked up it’s time to go back to the beginning. Once we understand how it came to be we can begin the undoing of the trauma and set ourselves free.
I love in love, I’ve learned a better way. It’s more then what you say, but also how you say it. Love speaks through all that you do, it’s in the words you choose and the way that you move. It flows through you and others feel and see it too. Love is who I am, love is what I do. Love is free and love is true, understand the ways of love start with simply being you. You before the world told you who you should be, go back to your better days when you could just be free.
I believe in love, it’s been there for all the change. No matter the trauma or the pain love stood by my side while I felt lost and afraid. It wasn’t a love from another not always you’ll see. The deepest love I’ve ever known has come from within me.
I’ve consoled myself when I couldn’t take anymore. I woke myself up and pushed me towards the door. I’ve wiped my tears and rocked through my cries. I’ve stayed by my side through all the goodbyes. I am in love with myself it’s how I survive in this life.
I live in love for me it’s the only way.
I exist in love, I exist for change.
I laugh in love, my heart is free.
I know who I am, inside and out. I am free to love in the purest ways, without judgement without shame, never a worry, never blame.
I am never worried about who she wants me to be. I showed her everything the world said was bad about me. I was so scared god I remember. I cried like a baby so afraid of rejection. I showed her the hair on my chin and my neck, she kissed me so deeply, holding me as I cried.
She lifted me into her arms and kissed me a million times at least it felt like that anyway. She told me I was absolutely gorgeous and I could see it in her eyes. She meant every word she was saying.
I was almost embarrassed by my surprise, I tested her again I was still so afraid so I showed her all my scars would she still choose to stay? She is absolutely finitely in love with me. She doesn’t hide away from me all the ways she was told not to be. We embrace all the beautiful things that make us who we are.
I don’t have to speak for her. I speak for only me, I know it’s true in all she does it’s in the way she moves. in the way she treats me. Haven’t we been picked apart enough, love is a safe place in which we’ve built on trust.
I feel in love, with everything in me
I think in love, I open my mind. It’s not about me all of the time, I think about it all and I make sure I understand, I ask questions seeking clarity when I don’t understand. I trust in the communication we’ve built, I am free to ask without shame or guilt. We teach and learn from each other as we go, how can we learn if we’re so afraid to ask we pretend to know.
I know in love, I don’t own you, you are not mine.
I learn in love, change happens all the time. I am only me. I control my time. I share it with those who I choose. This is my life, these are my rules.
I evolve in love, I stand by you until you decline.
I grow in love, Boundaries set are safe and kind.
I morph in love, I adapt there is no blame it’s life.
I change in love, I simply exist to be. In an ever changing world, I grow rapidly.
I soar in love, I speak my will there is no confusion. We all know what to do.
I rise in love, I trust you with me. We speak in love it happens so easily.
I speak in love- I only mean what I say. There is no confusion or in between.
I scribe in love- to share the way. Love is the answer to changing the ways.
I see in love- Nothing else exists. I observe who you are and I understand why.
I perceive in love- I see everyone’s perspectives and can understand why.
I understand in love- It’s not my place to judge, I’m not perfect all of the time.
I will in love- All I desire to be. This begins in us all, for you as for me.
I desire in love- all that is for me. Love is peace. I hope you understand it would be a dream to me.
I dream in love- I breath life into motion. My dreams are messages of love from me, that I choose to share with a chosen few.
I color the world in love- I light the path for those who can see, so they may find the way. Only pure hearts can understand what I say.
I stand for what I love- All that is right and true. Right is right but only when right is right for everyone not just you.
I die when I cease to love- There is nothing left to feel. The pain is to intense, this life cannot be real. I look for an escape a way to make it through the day.
Can anybody see me am I even real?
I love so I fight for a better way. I want everyone to live a life they love so they don’t have to numb their life away. We don’t have to do it alone anymore, it’s safe to want to be free. Change happens rapidly we only need to realize, it begins with you and me.
I become in love when I fall in love with myself- The only way to heal yourself is to embrace and love all of yourself. The parts you hate that you’ve wished away. They are beautiful parts that you were taught to hate. I’m sorry others made you feel that way.
I know in love- This life gets tiring and we all need help, it’s too much for us to be expected to do it all by ourselves.
Help is out there if you should need. Do what you need to make it through another day, don’t give up change is on the way.
I am proud in love- I’m proud of you for being so strong so long.
What I’ve watched you go through, the heart break and suffering in silence, you’ve fought your way through it all!
You searched for a better way and kept your heart pure. You made your focus on true love and what is right for all. You kept unconditional love, understanding and concern in your heart and lived it at all times.
You never judged another you simply tried to understand the differences and respected everyone equally and their ways, understanding your way isn’t the only way and that is just fine.
I know you’re scared and tired. I know you feel like this pain will never end, I know in your heart and soul you can’t accept that to be the truth.
I’m so proud of you because it wasn’t for nothing and dreams do come true.
The pain is coming to an end it’s the Dawn of Anew way forward together!
New days are here. Those with pure hearts please lift your heads once and for all.
You’re divinely protected in the heart of infinite love.
There are specific days in my life that stay with me always. They are the days I look on and wish I had known then what I now know. These days are the days I trusted in others to tell me what made sense and I was striving to do better, be better and give my children a better chance at a bright future. This day in particular became the pinnacle of my destruction.
Kristy I thought was different everyone liked her, she was fun and outgoing. Kristy seemed responsible she had a good job, her family was in her life and she was pursuing me. I had just left an abusive relationship with a control freak who was a manipulative cheater and an emotional abuser so Kristy stepped in like a breath of fresh air.
I was so blinded.
I had friends or so I had thought, it turns out this would be a most valuable lesson. People don’t do what’s right they typically don’t care what’s right they do what is socially acceptable.
Allow me to explain. I was living a decent life abuse had been something I had always known. Even with my diagnosis’s I was fighting for my life, it was suddenly falling into place. I had just been awarded my social security disability and I had a nice rental home for me and the kids, I was surrounded by what I believed we’re friends and family that cared for us.
Yet no one, not one of the people who called my children their niece and nephew thought to warn me. Kristy was a convicted felon multiple times over and a active alcoholic and crack smoker/drug user. I was naive to say the very least and alcoholics were not new to me so I saw it as normal and she hid the drug use.
As the relationship progressed I ignored the red flags, my daughter hated her I thought it was preteen angst. I was selfish and wanted peace, happiness and stability for my children and myself. Kristy was right there promising the sun, moon and stars. Little did I know how she and her family would spend our entire relationship tearing us down, emotionally and mentally abusing us, while stealing everything I had and mentally destroying me.
The worst part is it was all avoidable, at any point anyone of my best friends who claimed to love us and who knew her and her family personally could have said Tami she isn’t good for you. Yet not one did and I understand oh it’s no ones place however innocent children were there so yes as humans it was absolutely the time and place to speak up.
Silence prevailed.
So when Kristy suggested we move into her parents home to save money to buy a house and start our lives, I felt it was an absolute blessing! It was perfect her parents had a 3 bedroom apartment in the basement of their home and we wouldn’t be charged rent. I gave up my rental and we moved. This is where I went wrong.
Once I left my freedom, giving up my independence and trusting the words she was saying. I was sitting on 15,000 cash from back pay with social security and I was on over 18 different medications for my mental health. I was doing the best I could to recover from my past and how it was supposed to be my time to finally give my kids the life they deserved. We moved into Kristys parents house.
Life went dark almost immediately and Kristy became a completely different person we took control of all of the money and food became scarce she was working all the time so I didn’t understand.
She was drinking more and more and becoming cruel and angry all of the time. She took control of my child support and social security and convinced me that we didn’t need my car because I drove hers and she had the work truck so I listened to her and sold my vehicle. She instantly took the money.
I was stuck and didn’t have the proper help to leave it was a bad situation to a bad situation, I had no safe place to run. Life was unhealthy for me. I’m writing this and it is hard but has to be written. Ladies and men please find the knowledge and wisdom within this.
Love doesn’t hurt. Love is never manipulating. Love is not controlling. When it is love it heals and helps. Love never destroys, love is not toxic. Any one who secludes you from family or friends seeks to control you by controlling who influences you. They wish to keep you only listening to them so that you stay ignorant to what they’re doing. please don’t let yourself become a victim.
Looking back now I see the pattern and all of us face it, one way or another the point is we no longer have to. If we can identify these behaviors we can prevent destruction. If we warn each other we can help to heal this world instead of watching idly by as good people become victims to the evil ways of narcissistic people.
Honestly it’s a tale as old as time and goes even deeper.
Emotionally and for our wellbeing we need others and that’s a simple fact, yet this world has told us it is weak and codependent to need others yet life alone cannot be sustained one would absolutely go insane without love and interaction look at castaway with Wilson.
Yes while we feel like we would be better alone we’re not wrong either not exactly anyway but nonetheless we’re still wrong we’re buying into the division they try to create it became every man out for themselves and that’s where destruction ruled over and won.
Now it’s high time we realize that we realize all that division did was cause heartbreak anger pain and regret it caused struggles and financial worries that didn’t need to be, children were placed in vulnerable and dangerous situations because the familial support was removed.
Now we struggle and destroy each other and all we really want to do is pull each other close and make it better together and put the pain of the past behind us finding a better way forward together.
If ego and pride could be set aside and people would feel comfortable being vulnerable and openly taking to one another without fear of judgement.
Then we can begin to listen to our hearts and find we’ve been waging wars against ourselves and we don’t have to anymore it’s time for a new way forward into our future together for all!
Love doesn’t hurt control does!
loy·al
adjective 1 giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.”loyal service” This is the problem there is no allegiance or loyalty to others we started idolizing material and Wealth we lost sight of what matters the most!
Loyalty to each other family and love,loyalty to the truth and loyalty to what is right is what is lacking in this country.
We made things more important than people.
Everyone set their sights on what they wanted materially and sacrificed those who care for them to get it.
Now everyone has to learn that this is where they have lacked in humanity and in love and what’s right. This is what I meant when I said keeping your heart pure, while yea I want more I’m not about to destroy a innocent someone to get it.
I’m grateful for what I have throughout the struggles and I know better days will come. I strive to help others who are suffering because I know the pain as well, I also know together we can change it for everyone.
A new way forward exists when you’re ready I’m here.
The point of this spiritual journey is to bring us back to whole.
During the hard times as we experience heartbreaking goodbyes and traumas resurface we are taught how to learn how to love and honor ourselves fully so we can awaken to our truth and full potential.
When we release fear in all aspects and step into our authentic being shedding the judgement of others. We release the beliefs put on us about who we were expected to be, finally being seen and appreciated for who we truly are.
It’s hard at times without a doubt but it is the most beautiful love you will ever experience once you begin living what you’re speaking. The work isn’t easy and yes there are times when you feel like you can’t take anymore.
Please keep going don’t give up, I promise all the pain wasn’t for nothing. Your truth will be revealed ignorance is dying as we educate others.
Don’t fear the unknown embrace the changes and live your life for you! You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt and that’s the end of the rainbow everything else suddenly falls into place!
I speak from absolute experience I have no reason to lie to you. ~Tami Irizarry Love doesn’t hurt. Toxicity does. Evolve.
I took this picture yesterday proof is all around if you choose to see! 🙌🏽🤍♾🕊🗣
As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul will keep, if I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
If I shall wake another day I pray the Lord shows man the way, to clarity and understanding that right is only right, when it is right for all. Or it isn’t right for all.
Each interaction I lose more hope, the cruelty and lack of understanding, humanity is losing hope and I can’t take anymore pain. Why do I fight for change when it remains the same and I’m always the one to blame?
I do it because I deserved better than what happened to me, we all did and we can’t change the past. What we can do is change ourselves and stop it from happening in the future. We didn’t realize the damage that was happening in time and our children had to endure the pain as well.
Our grandchildren deserve better and change comes when we start openly honestly communicating with each other and holding the appropriate people responsible and accountable for their actions.
We can stop blaming the victims and stop protecting the villains as we claim ignorance, it continues to happen because many play deaf dumb or blind.
They Can’t comprehend how someone can lose it all, they’ve never had to struggle, they’ve never had to truly fall. For them I’m glad they had the right support in life. Some of us aren’t so fortunate after all.
Instead of trying to understand, or even wonder how it would feel if it were them. They make hate filled judgments and laugh at the pain.
If this is what it’s all for please don’t wake me anymore, I’m tired. I want to rest now.
Now if you want to open hearts and restore faith please send me forth for all days!
I woke up at 1 am so many good things are happening, yet I still am unsettled. I can see it all happening and it’s coming in fast. Here I still sit struggling to release the pain of the past.
I truly believe most people don’t understand the meaning or being of love. If they did there is no way, they would do the things they do. It doesn’t take a rocket science to understand if you’re intentionally causing harm to another in order to feel better about yourself that’s not love it’s toxicity, release them from your personal hell. Love doesn’t cause pain, manipulation, control, greed, hate or toxicity only ignorance and immaturity do.
Isn’t it time we all actually tried to do the best we can do, being a good person shouldn’t come hard it’s true. Yes life gets painful for us all, but to allow your heart to be hardened is the biggest detriment of all.
The reason is simple I would never do that to another person. Even if they intentionally hurt me, so I cannot fathom hurting someone you love just to hurt them to feel better about your life. Sometimes even when our feelings are hurt it doesn’t mean you’re automatically right. Stop letting emotions rule you and look at the facts. I know it’s your life but the world is for us all, you don’t get to take control and dictate to us all.
The only thing I pray is when you tally it all up in the end, I hope the pain you handed out belonged to the right recipient. All wrongly checked and claimed bags of pain, will be handed to their rightful owners, before life is complete. Welcome to the age of knowing, we’re no longer asleep.
I won’t handle those who hurt me recklessly, I will be kinder while I hand you back the pain you so quickly threw at me, I will be decent enough to break it down and show you how it’s was your suitcase all along. I will even show you my wisdom I was able to gain from your lesson.
Trust what was done is the darkness is coming out into the light. For far too long I allowed myself to be the blame of it all, I stumbled long enough it was your job to catch me if I should fall. We are entrusted with the well being of our children that is a fact. If you didn’t want me you shouldn’t have had me, guess what I’m here you can’t send me back.
Yet what you did was uncalled for, you took everything away intentionally when I became sick and couldn’t handle it all. You saw it as the final straw, you took full advantage of the situation and put a wedge between us all.
The thing about taking a big fall, once you I regained my strength and got back up, I decided it was time to stand up for all.
I’m sick and tired of the pain and the games, why can’t we see doing the same things repeatedly and expecting a different outcome is a definition of insane.
These things won’t change until we hold others accountable and stop accepting abuse as love. If you didn’t know, now you know.
We are all divine and nothing sent from the divine will fill you with pain, only with love. So if it hurts it’s a lesson guiding you to love yourself, to learn to speak your truth and defend what is right for you.
This is your life if it’s not the one you hoped for and it isn’t right for you. Ask yourself why you’re there you only get one shot at least give yourself a good one!
If it’s not love you may want to ask yourself why you stick around and slowly wait to die, they aren’t gonna change and times going by, take those broken wings and learn how to fly.
You deserve a life of love and peace, it can absolutely be yours you simply have to believe and try.
First decide what is and isn’t acceptable for you, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Start telling others what is and isn’t okay for you, this is basic human decency. I don’t like this and I won’t do it to you, don’t do it to me.
It’s simple and true. Yet when it comes to speaking up and honoring ourselves it’s something that most of us simply don’t do. I believe it’s because we don’t think we have the right, which is funny when you consider this is our life.
We must read in order to comprehend, we must speak in order to teach, we must learn to communicate in order to understand and we must be willing to have deep hard conversations judgement free, using only understanding and open minds if we’re ever to change the hearts and minds of all humans.
Children are sacrificed in so many ways everyday the children are lost and who pays the ultimate price.. the children for their parents selfish ways. So I can make sense I f the phrase hell is for children..
Parents are so wrapped up in their own hells, while the kids try to understand what’s happening and what to do, they find themselves alone with no one to talk to. Parents so busy trying to live their lives suddenly their kids became an inconvenience to their lives. The children are trapped in the hell the parent creates until the child breaks free and grows up and away.
They can’t see that the children struggle too and on top of the pain of the reality they children get blamed for what the other parent wouldn’t live up too. What they also didn’t see is we are here to speak the truth. It ends with us it’s isn’t something we’re going to continue.
If you don’t like your children because of your ex allow me to remind you of this. You chose your ex, your child was innocent. It’s not their fault if they came out the spitting image of him or her. They didn’t ask to be born to either of you. Many of us got a shit hand, we’re all doing the best that we can do.
The older generations disconnect seems to be a simple one. Narrow minded, pride filled, hurt egos whose hearts have hardened, why? because they have guilt and secrets to hide. We are the disappointment they hold when they close their eyes. Truth is we’re not responsible to be what they dreamed we would that was their dream, this is our life.. let’s get that clearly understood.
Too often I see adults try and try again to regain a bond with toxic parents and it’s always the same outcome. The child takes all the blame while the parents judge and take no accountability. It’s ridiculous to see all the bitterness anger and jealousy that comes so much hatred and it’s typically over money which is funny. I guess in their eyes love costs..
In my heart and soul, I have always been blessed to know love doesn’t cost a thing. I give it out freely because everyone can use it and it’s one of the best parts of me!
I only wish others could see, the things that divide us don’t even matter, will what you financially achieved comfort you in your final hour?
I know when I die want to think back and relive memories and moments with those I love, I won’t be focused on what’s in my bank account, I will be focused on the love that was shared and the people I cared for and to those I’ve created they are my legacy and they’re the greatest accomplishment of my life.
How their story is written is entirely their right! I will never judge or shame them for what they did or didn’t do, I will be there when they need guidance love and support I am their mother and for them there is nothing I wouldn’t do.
Patience and understanding comes very easily to me as I understand these life lessons are something we all go through.
There is no room for bitterness or anger towards the kids we were all kids once, why can’t we see we have no idea what’s happening personally for them and understand they’re all doing the best they can, when did we forget how hard it was growing up man?!
I just think people need to realize before the time expires. While we should love people and use things we don’t. Instead we love things and use people.. we have gotten it so wrong, stop going with the crowds it’s clear to see they’re lost.
The elders knew what was going to come, the faith they had was and has always been unwavering.
What no one seems to understand is they were absolutely right. The rainbow warriors would be the ones to save the world.
Who are the rainbow warriors?
Allow me to introduce you to anyone who has fought for love in any real way and that includes those who paid dearly.
I’ve been shown by God/Source/Great spirit, the rainbow warriors are found everywhere.
I speak for myself but I find it to be Particularly in the LGBTQIA community. Yes let me explain from my personal experience. I am a lesbian, I have had to fight every single day for my right to love. As a mother in the nineties I worried all the time that they would take my children simply because I loved a woman.
Much like those before me who lost their lives, homes, families; I went through similar struggles and heartbreaking loss and traumas. To be honest we opened the broken hearts club and became advocates for all, in what is right for all.
We payed dearly every step of the way, yet I couldn’t be more proud of being gay.
My struggles and pain only paved the path for my own daughter to come out as a lesbian and receive the support and love she deserves.
There isn’t a better feeling to be had if you’re a true of heart mom or dad! You just get it. If my suffering helped in any aspect, that’s a blessing and a beautiful gift.
Yet here we are in 2022 and again they threaten our freedoms. How many more lives will be lost for the belief of man?
They’re trying to undo all we have fought for with our lives. I am sick of it and can’t stand this hate and evil anymore.
Why is this country run by those fueled on hateful personal beliefs and evil in their hearts? So focused on power and control they happily will sacrifice each and every soul.
It’s time to take control back and set it right for all!
Either we finally stand up together and unite once and for all. They’ve already proven that divided we fall.
This country has become so over run with greed, taken over by manipulation. They weaponized their own people against each other, make no mistake this is a war on humanity.
In school you were taught how to obey, you were told what to think. How to behave and what is and isn’t socially acceptable which bred intolerance and judgement and led us all to shame.
Those who thought for themselves and spoke their minds had no choice, me personally I felt forced into speaking up. How could I be quiet with the reality I was born into? Truth is it was done to everyone and we all did the best we could do.
We did our best to warn you all and now of it all is too hard to bear.
We understand and there is no judgement, now it’s simply time to do better. When you know better you do better. You soon will.
Ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse, if you wouldn’t like it done to you don’t do it to another. So simple yet so true.
Those addicts in your families that you threw away did you ever once consider what happened to them? What was done to them to make them become this way? Or did you fill with shame anger and judgement and ultimately throw them away.
Simply because you feel something doesn’t make it right. There are so many different perceptions to open to. Try to open to understanding again. Those walls you built to protect you when your heart couldn’t take anymore are the same walls preventing love from truly entering.
I promise you this no God will ever judge you without taking it all into consideration and we all deserved the same opportunity yet it was stolen from us so trust unless you’re intentionally evil you’re good.
It’s time to speak up for everyone and that includes you! Yes you matter too! Please realize this is for everyone of us!!!
All the outcasts, misfits, rainbow warriors, gay, straight, no labels it’s time to just be beautiful you!! If we don’t stand up for each other because it’s not our problem who is going to be left to stand for you when they come?
If it’s not your fight and it’s not right simply don’t participate what are they going to do arrest all who refuse to fight a mans war over control, when they are fighting Gods war for the heart and soul of man. We will never achieve peace while we’re fighting another mans war.
It’s time to try again in a better way together and begin Anew. The God of my heart is all about love and peace and I only speak the truth. 🕊🤍♾ I love you
Have you ever wondered why? Perhaps we should try and understand if we contributed to the hurt that these people are unleashing.
Understand this loves, If you personally hurt someone and it was intentionally or unintentionally they have the right to how they feel.
If you truly love them you will be willing to listen to understand without being defensive, If we can start living with understanding instead of judgement perhaps we can acknowledge that we are all suffering and trying to do the best we can.
If you didn’t have any hand in hurting them perhaps show a little grace and realize they may not know a better way exists.
Kindness matters to yourself and others. It helps to heal hearts, then we can find who we truly are under all the pain we’ve endured. It’s time we do better together educate each other. Hold all as accountable as you hold yourself. 🕊🤍♾~ Tami Irizarry We can change this world together!
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 