journey. selflove

I had convinced myself you were it.

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I truly believed it and then I realized if you were it and loved me you could never treat me like shit and ignore my feelings that’s exactly what you’ve been doing since December when I was sick and you were over me.

I’ve tried too many times I have to accept now that you’re not meant to be mine. It’s taken along time to get my heart and mind in the same place, giving you my love isn’t a safe place for me anymore.

You don’t want it and you don’t want me so what happened to all the words you spoke when you said forevermore it was me? I guess people talk because it sounds pretty yet that wasn’t the case when I said it I meant it and this whole thing is just shitty.

I’m picking myself up slowly but surely I never thought my biggest heartbreak and devastation would come from you yet I was being silly. You don’t like communicating and you’re not very good at it so you just left we never even had our first fight the last 4 years were the best. Thank you for teaching me how to be strong no matter what happens in life I will carry on.

Missing you

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I’m missing you again it happens every time I breathe. I wish like hell I could change the past and make you believe.

Your smile and laughter haunt me even in my dreams, I wish I would have treated you with more care when you were with me. I did the best I could do while healing from things you never deserved to be put through.

Now you’re not here and everyday is a battle to keep going I miss you so much I miss every single moment. I often pray you will open your heart to me again, I pray you will feel the sincerity when I call out your name to the heavens.

Since you left I have waited for you to come back or at least care, when hearts break it’s never fair. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to have you again by my side and back in my life.

I always thought it would be forevermore you and I. I don’t understand what happened to our love I’m still here fighting for us I don’t know how to give up.

It’s always been you for me and it still hasn’t changed you walked away from me now I’m playing a losing game. I miss everything about you when we were together there was nothing I couldn’t do.

I hear your voice calling out to me and I pray as I fall to my knees begging God to take this pain from me. If I ever got the chance to love you again I promise you this I would do it so much better I wish I could still call you my friend.

I’m so sorry for everything that went wrong please understand I loved you all along.

Wishing

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I’m wishing on every star.

One day you will return.

Maybe you will call me out of the blue to say you’ve been thinking about me too.

We can laugh and talk like we used to.

I’m wishing but sometimes wishes don’t come true.

I promise you this I will never stop wishing for you.

I love you and that is something I can’t control it comes from the core of my heart and my soul.

I miss you more than I understood to be possible this heart break is deep and unstoppable.

I would give anything to hear your voice or to be in your presence I wish I had the choice.

Yet I don’t.

The only thing I get to do is sit here and have my heart break every time I think of you.

That’s always every single day you’re on my mind I wish I would have handled things differently maybe then you wouldn’t have gone away.

I wish you could feel what’s deep inside of me I wish I knew if you missed me too.

I miss you

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I wish it wasn’t true, I wish I could let you go like you want me to do. I am still absolutely in love with you and I’m trying to understand how we got here. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of your beautiful brown eyes and perfect smile and wish I could still call you mine.

I don’t remember everything that happened when I got sick and I’m sorry for whatever I did. I only know that you’re my person and now you’re gone and I can’t move on I can barely breathe when I think of you because it hurts so bad. I wish I could call and talk to you and hear how your day has been, I don’t only miss you as my love and lover I miss you my best friend.

What I wouldn’t give to rewind to December and take all of the bad away you have no idea what I would give for one more day with you. I don’t understand how you could just leave like you did as if I meant nothing to you when clearly you still mean the world to me.

I write to get it off my chest because this no contact has me gripping my chest every song or memory that I have throws me into a panic attack because I know you’re not coming back and it’s hell for me without you by my side I don’t understand.

Tiffany I am so sorry for everything I ever did wrong please know it’s been you all along even when I was trying to work shit out I wasn’t in my right mind and now I am and my god I regret losing the love we had and the worst part is for me the love isn’t over yet. I still feel as strongly as the first day we met.

I wish you could forgive me and remember how we were instead of hating me for what I can’t remember. I love you.

With you

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I thought I could take on the world and accomplish anything yet all I did was lose everything one by one .

Finally I lost you too.

I found me sitting in a pool of tears and uncertainty.

I picked myself off and the pain made me drop to my knees how could it have all been a lie this can’t be reality.

The words we spoke the promises we made gone just like that because I went insane and had a mental breakdown .

You didn’t even hesitate you left me there and walked away.

I don’t know how to feel about it all part of me misses you so badly the other part wishes I’d never met you at all.

Especially now seeing that you don’t give a damn did I ever even know you or was it just a game to you. Life without I feel loss I hope your dreams come true.

This can’t be real

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I listened to the words pour from your lips as you made me believe them as truth. I told you of all my fears and showed you my scars you said there was nothing anyone could do to take you away from me.

I’m here you’re gone and I’m struggling with it. When we were a couple together it was pure magic and then I got sick and you got scared and walked away from me. I couldn’t follow I was stuck in the hospital I was broken and hollow.

You refused to return my calls on most days and you told me you would come back to see me and ignored me completely. I waited for you as you used my car to hangout with your new friends, you walked away from us and left me behind you had my car and wouldn’t even try to care you left me behind without a care.

When I got out you came to give me back my stuff and my car you couldn’t even make eye contact I no longer knew who you are. Again you made promises that we would always be friends you said later that week you would be back again, you never came.

My heart is broken because my love for you is true how is it so easy to hurt me in the ways you promised you would never do. I tried to talk to you to understand what was happening, it just pissed you off so you went for verbal attacking and then blocked me.

Did I even know you or was it a facade I don’t know anymore. Falling for you was easy I didn’t have to try hard and I believed you and I believed in us now I’m here standing in the pile of dust the wreckage of all we used to be I love you still even though you’re out there living your best life without me.

For me time had stopped I couldn’t leave and for you time went on you had no problem when you wanted to up and leave. I just don’t understand what happened to our love I’m sorry I had a breakdown I didn’t mean to fuck up.

I hope your happy. I hope you miss me like I miss you. I can’t stand to think of a world where our love wasn’t real and true, yet with the way you now treat me it’s hard to believe it was ever real.

What if…

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How would it be if I saw you on the street? I know for me I would smile and be excited inside, for you would you walk away pretending and hide?

It’s been a while now and I can’t lie I still think of you and it’s hard to hide. We took vows and I meant them forever, I didn’t think the bond you would sever.

I still love you although you’ve removed me from your life I wonder is it peaceful for you when you sleep at night?

I still miss you and hope one day you will be back I know you said hateful things as you left when you jumped off track.

Don’t get me wrong my life isn’t bad it’s only that I know you were the best I ever had. I’m missing my best friend the one who loved me so much we would cry in gratitude and now your someone I don’t even know like what’s the reason for the attitude?

Love sucks I don’t trust it anymore ever since you left and closed the door. We could have gotten over anything together side by side but you left me in the dust when you decided I wasn’t worth your time.

I’m not the person I once was it’s hard for me to connect to anything from above it was all a lie because if it was true I’d be in your arms now instead of just wishing I could see you.

I have always been in love with you

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I pray you read these words and take them to heart. I loved you from day one the last thing I want is to be apart.

I was stupid naive and didn’t realize what my words would do. I’ve grown up it’s something we all have to do. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and the truth is I am lost without you my queen.

I miss you more than words can describe I wish you would come be by my side instead your trapped in your mind doubting all I say and I cannot do a thing until you allow me to.

I would trade it all to have you again you were my guy my lover my confidant my fiancé and best friend.

I know I hurt you and scared you when I had my breakdowns mental health is a disease I wasn’t playing around now I know better and on my meds I stay, my wish is you will come back to me one day.

You got mad when I wrote about the one that got away not stopping to understand it is you I hope will forever stay. I’m not done writing our story that will happen only on my dying day.

Tiffany I love you with all that I am. I am beyond sorry for what I said and did when I was unwell, when you left me I walked straight into hell and heartbreak every memory is of us what I wouldn’t give for your love.

I can’t force you to see me or believe me but it is true there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to be with you.

When you came into my life I had been abused and so confused I didn’t understand what love could be until you. I made mistakes and so did you one thing I know our love was true and so different than anything I knew.

I don’t care if it makes me seem weak I rather speak my truth and wear my heart on my sleeve. Neither of us deserved how it ended you’re my best friend can you find it in your heart to forgive me and to try to talk and see if it helps.

I want you I don’t want anybody else it’s always been you my guy.

December came and took you away

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I stayed behind and I started to pray. I wished it wasn’t true you were gone and there was nothing I could do.

Where once their was love you have so much hate I stayed behind all I could do was wait.

I prayed that you would come back and understand that I didn’t mean it I have a disease it’s called mental illness.

Instead you stayed in pain and anger which turned into hate and when I was finally home it was all to late.

You moved on perhaps you couldn’t see I was left behind remembering how it used to be, you no longer saw me as I am. You told yourself another story and left me where I stand.

You tell me you don’t like me and that your family and friends hate me I never in a million years thought you would berate me.

I love you still yet it doesn’t matter to you, now you see bad when you think of me and there’s nothing I can do. You get mad when I write to heal myself believe it or not I don’t want anyone else.

You moved on you tell me you’re living your best life I’m sorry I got sick and you felt you had to leave I thought I was your wife. You were mine I never would have left you alone and now you’re gone I no longer have my home.

I am picking up the pieces not that you care I’m catching up from where I was left I don’t know what love is anymore I failed that test.

I wanted to make you happy and spend eternity by your side you forgot grace and have no problem with making me cry I guess I’m better of without you because the person you are now is definitely not my guy.

How am I supposed to forget you

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Every memory I have in the last 4 years are all beautiful and include you…

I can’t force my heart to forget that life was better with you and you’re forcing me to move on without you. Love was meant to be everlasting now these days are flying by no calls or texts from you my guy.

How was it so easy for you to walk away from me and all we had you did it with ease after telling me I was the best you ever had.

Did what we have mean anything at all because I’m still here hurting and you never call. How did it all get so bad so fast that you walked away leaving us in the past.

I miss you I wish I didn’t but when life was with you it was something so different and I saw our future and all we could be, yet you walked away and now you’re free.

I traded it all just to be with you and you traded me away there wasn’t shit I could do. February 21 2023 was the last time I saw you and now you’re happy and free. I can’t lie to myself or pretend I don’t care I truly believed in my heart you would always be there.

What could I have done better I try to understand how you went from my everything and now you’re not even a fan.