Today I’ll take my coffee light and sweet with conversation that’s not too deep.

My coffee is inviting its Caramel colored like me, it’s strong creamy and sweet.

It warms me up although I’m hot enough. Confidence is once again growing, I can feel it all coming.

I don’t want to think to much on it, I’ve learned to trust the process this life is beyond me.

I grab a cigarette and light it up knowing what I really want is a blunt.

So I hit it.. fuck it anymore, the world is in shambles do you really think it matters?

I’m doing what I have too, to keep me above water.

I am one of them, the forgotten sons and daughters.

Contemplating life there are so many questions.

How did it go wrong, when should I end it?

I’m not ending shit this is my life and I’m going to make the very best of it. Moving forward I can’t wait anymore, I’ve waited and waited as I’ve held the door, now it’s time I am ready for more.

When did I lose me, that’s not a fair question it should be more like..

when did I find me?

I found me alone sitting in pain, scared unsure begging for change.

I was blinded by all of the rage.

I couldn’t see clearly enough, I was trapped in my head pretending it was love.

For 14 years I left myself locked up in a cage.

I started to focus and put my attention where it belonged this wasn’t love I was receiving and I knew it was wrong.

All the things you chose to say how could it ever be any other way?

I was naive I couldn’t see I was so in awe, omg you chose me!

Me caring, innocent,loving most of all naïve.

You didn’t want me, you wanted what you could take from me, I can’t even be mad.

I begged you to stay, living without you couldn’t be the way.

So I traded myself and I watched me fade away.

That was the point at which I lost my self worth and loyalty to me.

Anything you want you got it baby please just don’t leave.

That was the game you taught me to play so I flipped the script and I learned a better way.

Love is a gamble that is for sure you’re gambling with your heart and winner takes all.

Now here’s the most important question to ask, are you playing the hand with a love that will last?

Toxic people play silly games and when you flip it on them then you’re the one to blame, there is no accountability when you play the narcissists way.

For you my god I’d lost so much but what did I care for me I was in love.

You wanted it all and it was never enough.

You took it all away and made sure there was no one left to help me or care for me.

You made me so dependent on you and secured with you, I would always stay.

Well that’s what you hoped anyway.

I watched my children change and I started noticing your games.

I watched them scatter like roaches every time you would come home and I knew something had to be done.

This was my life and it was coming undone.

You wanted your drugs, the money, the control. You left your anger, manipulation, rage and pain guide it all.

I wanted your love I almost lost my soul.

I learned so much by what you would do, I felt as if I was losing my mind.

Why do you do the things you do?

Say something, deny it, blame it on me god it was so tiring, why couldn’t I leave?

You don’t give up you find a way but if I stayed I end up in a early grave.

I had to be sure of the truth, I started to record you.

Now I could hold you accountable for what you say it wasn’t me and here was the proof.

The worst part is when I showed you and you laughed at me and said “I know exactly what I do”.

Shortly thereafter you put your hands around my neck as you got on top of me you spit in my face as you chocked me and told me you wished I was dead.

Yes that’s love baby I should have just left you keep stealing from me instead.

I guess I’ll never know if love was true everything I research says these behaviors are hard wired in you and that you don’t understand what truth is but that’s bullshit you’re just a scared, broken, hurt little kid.

You enjoy causing pain it makes you feel better.

I wanted nothing more then to love you back together.

I didn’t understand we weren’t playing by the same rules.

You left me no choice for them I had to choose me.

I prayed every fucking night to the lord to shine down on me.

I prayed to my ancestors, the divine council, galactic forces, all the gods and the ones who love me most.

I petitioned and I did the work, I cast the spells, I followed the psalm’s, I co created with the magic of it all.

I asked for true love from above all in the universe.

My wish was granted and in came love it was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced.

She remains a blessing sent from above.

Finally I can speak from experience I have true love, it is real and true it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and it’s my greatest wish for you.

Transitioning from toxic love to true love, from pain to pleasure and from fear to hope is a wild journey and that is putting it mildly.

If you’re in a toxic relationship or have had a toxic upbringing the chances of your self worth being low are extremely high.

I am speaking on my own personal experiences and of those I have loved and witnessed, however I find we’re all sharing the same feelings and emotions when it comes to life and love, even if we may not know one another.

As for me I had low self esteem.

I had insecurities and fears, which allowed me to unknowingly lower my standards to almost nothing.

I simply wanted to be loved, wanted, needed and I believed everyone felt and deserved the same as me.

I gave my all and happily accepted whatever I was given, the is the love I was shown from my very beginning.

Welcome to life this is how we’re conditioned.

I was taught to be who I am. I learned to read others to anticipate their moods it wasn’t safe and stable at home or school.

I was taught to be silent and allow others to treat me as they wished, I didn’t matter I was a stupid little kid.

I grew up hearing all that was wrong with me so yes I was always on the defense there was no peace of mind for as an adult who struggles with mental illness it’s clear to see, how it all came to be.

My body was not my own and everyone loves a good girl who makes them feel good. It’s what I was shown to do make grown ups feel good.

I knew my value was based on what they could take from me.

40 years of my life they took everything they could from me.

I wanted someone who simply loved me for me, not for what they stood to gain from me.

Love isn’t a social climb, like many seem to believe.

Love is what gave us humanity, love is the fabric that binds us all.

Love is everlasting and pure it’s unconditional it’s the start and end of it all.

I don’t think many understand love at all to them it’s a game like I’ve said before, do they ever stop and realize when you play games there is only one winner?

In a relationship there are two so who’s the winner in the game of love if it can only be one of you?

See what I mean it just doesn’t make sense, love isn’t a game it’s heaven sent.

Love is the gift that keeps it all going and love is the most abused state of being.

I’m back now, try me.

44 it’s my golden year… why?

I say so let me make that very clear!

I’ve spent enough time waiting for what’s right.

It’s time for me I’m standing up this is my life, I stand for all in wanting what is right.

I am in love, I am what I do.

I love in love, I’ve learned a better way. It’s more then what you say, but also how you say it.

Love speaks through all that you do, it’s in the words you choose and the way that you move. It flows through you and others feel and see it too.

Love is who I am, love is what I do.

Love is free and love is true, understand the ways of love start with simply being you. You before the world told you who you should be, go back to your better days when you could just be free.

I believe in love, it’s been there for all the change. No matter the trauma or the pain love stood by my side while I felt lost and afraid.

It wasn’t a love from another not always you’ll see.

The deepest love I’ve ever known has come from within me.

I’ve consoled myself when I couldn’t take anymore.

I woke myself up and pushed me towards the door.

I’ve wiped my tears and rocked through my cries.

I’ve stayed by my side through all the goodbyes.

I am in love with myself it’s how I survive in this life.

I live in love for me it’s the only way.

I exist in love, I exist for change.

I laugh in love, my heart is free.

I know who I am, inside and out.

I am free to love in the purest ways, without judgement without shame, never a worry, never blame.

I am never worried about who she wants me to be.

I showed her everything the world said was bad about me.

I was so scared god I remember. I cried like a baby so afraid of rejection.

I showed her the hair on my chin and my neck, she kissed me so deeply, holding me as I cried.

She lifted me into her arms and kissed me a million times at least it felt like that anyway.

She told me I was absolutely gorgeous and I could see it in her eyes. She meant every word she was saying.

I was almost embarrassed by my surprise, I tested her again I was still so afraid so I showed her all my scars would she still choose to stay?

She is absolutely finitely in love with me. She doesn’t hide away from me all the ways she was told not to be. We embrace all the beautiful things that make us who we are.

I don’t have to speak for her.

I speak for only me, I know it’s true in all she does it’s in the way she moves. in the way she treats me.

Haven’t we been picked apart enough, love is a safe place in that we built trust.

I feel in love, with everything in me

I think in love, I open my mind. It’s not about me all of the time, I think about it all and I make sure I understand, I ask questions seeking clarity when I don’t understand.

I trust in the communication we’ve built, I am free to ask without shame or guilt. We teach and learn from each other as we go, how can we learn if we’re so afraid to ask we pretend to know.

I know in love, I don’t own you, you are not mine.

I learn in love, change happens all the time. I am only me. I control my time. I share it with those who I choose. This is my life, these are my rules.

I evolve in love, I stand by you until you decline.

I grow in love, Boundaries set are safe and kind.

I morph in love, I adapt there is no blame it’s life.

I change in love, I simply exist to be. In an ever changing world, I grow rapidly.

I soar in love, I speak my will there is no confusion. We all know what to do.

I rise in love, I trust you with me. We speak in love it happens so easily.

I speak in love- I only mean what I say. There is no confusion or in between.

I scribe in love- to share the way. Love is the answer to changing the ways.

I see in love- Nothing else exists. I observe who you are and I understand why.

I perceive in love- I see everyone’s perspectives and can understand why.

I understand in love- It’s not my place to judge, I’m not perfect all of the time.

I will in love- All I desire to be. This begins in us all, for you as for me.

I desire in love- all that is for me.

Love is peace.

I hope you understand it would be a dream to me.

I dream in love- I breath life into motion. My dreams are messages of love from me, that I choose to share with a chosen few.

I color the world in love- I light the path for those who can see, so they may find the way. Only pure hearts can understand what I say.

I stand for what I love- All that is right and true. Right is right is right is right is right and right and true but only when right is right is right is right for everyone not just you.

I die when I cease to love- There is nothing left to feel. The pain is to intense, this life cannot be real. I look for an escape a way to make it through the day. Can anybody see me am I even real? I love so I fight for a better way. I want everyone to live a life they love so they don’t have to numb their life away. We don’t have to do it alone anymore, it’s safe to want to be free. Change happens rapidly we only need to realize, it begins with you and me.

I become in love when I fall in love with myself- The only way to heal yourself is to embrace and love all of yourself.

The parts you hate that you’ve wished away.

They are beautiful parts that you were taught to hate. I’m sorry others made you feel that way.

I know in love- This life gets tiring and we all need help is too much for us to be expected to do it all by ourselves. Help is out there is you should need.

Do what you need to make it through another day, don’t give up change is on the way.

I am proud in love- I’m proud of you for being so strong so long.

It’s time to return to love, it’s what saves us all. Heal the pain and let’s begin a new way.