motherhood

I’ll never truly get over you

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

No matter that I’ve moved on I’m still not over you. I know how fucked up this sounds yet let me break it down for you.

You were the one I knew I was meant to find in this world and when we found each other and our hands and eyes met I knew you were the one I was meant to spend my life with.

I made the mistake of coming off my medication and I got sick and dragged us through it all as I was desperately trying to heal and you were my home my love my everything.

The person I became is not the person I am I was sick but you couldn’t see it and so you grew tired and left me behind I don’t blame you.

I waited for 2 years for you to come back yet all I was met with was silence and the conformation from you that it was over and it killed me.

I healed and took my time and I’ve met someone else but she’s not you no one is you and you are the one my heart knew and you were the one I was meant for .

All the tears of joy we shared crying in gratitude because we’ve never felt so loved and it been so true all of that I can’t forget and I’ll never forget you.

I’m happy don’t get me wrong but my guy I’m not happy like I was happy when it was you and I. I know I’ll never feel that way again and I wonder why you didn’t keep me as a friend.

Regardless of anything we went through my word is my vow and I still hold that true there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.

I’m here.

I wish I could take it all back.

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Yet I can’t. Nor can I wish it away. It happened and now we are done.

I found all your voicemails from December 3,2022 I wanted to die when I heard you.

You were so fragile so afraid and so alone I was the one you trusted as home and I was gone.

I didn’t mean too, I wasn’t strong enough to carryon I needed help. I wasn’t myself too much pain and trauma bent me until I broke.

I’m so sorry I hurt you in the process. I had no idea what you must have gone through until I heard your voice. Your cries still haunt me I’m so sorry my baby.

Even though we’re not together I love you more with every day I only want the best for you in every way.

Life is good…

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Life is good these days. I just moved into the cutest 3 bedroom with my daughter and my best friend (who coincidentally is madly in love with me). I’m talking to someone new it’s been a minute I’m finally ready to meet her. Tiffany and I are in communication it’s not great yet it’s something, I’ll take it.

I know things can’t be different and this is where we are yet I don’t want to be done. Tiffany will always be my great one and I miss her every day in every way. She wasn’t just my fiancé she was truly my best friend. Her leaving me was the greatest betrayal to my heart it destroyed me and yet I still hold space and pray for her daily.

I love her and you can’t help what the heart wants. I miss us as we were and I know given the chance it could be out of this world. My roommate and bestie is Estee she is also my ex fiancé from like 17 years ago. Life in our home is beautiful filled with laughter and joy. It’s peaceful.

The woman I’m talking to has children which concerns me because I don’t want anymore pain and with kids it’s easy to fall in love with kids making it harder to leave if things don’t work out. I’m not waiting for Tiffany she has made her decision crystal clear, I just won’t give up on her either.

My vibe is high these days which is nice and I’m about to be a grandmother which is wild to me. Like my person that I created is making his own person. Wild right! My baby boy is having a baby boy! I can’t wait to meet my grandson he is so loved already and he isn’t even here yet! I am so excited to be for him what I should have been to Gabby and Chris I just didn’t realize or know better at the time. I was only 21 the same age as my son is now. He has me in his corner he will never fail.

To watch Chris step into this new role in life is incredible. I am so in awe of the man he has become. He is emotionally and mentally supportive a hard worker, loving, devoted and protective. I am honored to call him my son and to watch him raise his beautiful son. Life is good.

Gabby is home with me now. Life is beautiful. I love to watch her strength and feisty personality as she maneuvers her way through this world with her big beautiful heart and soul. I watch her excitement and pride when speaking of her nephew it melts my heart I did something right in this world. Life is good.

Twinflame journey

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This journey is the hardest thing everyone says to forget you yet how can I when you’re a part of me?

How you did me was dirty and how you’re doing me now is worse. How could this be love when all I do is hurt?

All the things you said run around my head yet the reality is you didn’t mean anything that came out of your mouth or it wouldn’t be like this.

Deleted videos

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I saw you deleted the videos of us on social media. It hurt. I can’t believe we’re in this place.

How the fuck did we get here? Why did I stop taking my mental health medication in 2019. I got off of them because I was finally happy and believed I didn’t need them anymore, I was wrong.

I didn’t see the decline until October 2020 when I had my first mental breakdown even then I refused to be medicated thinking I could fix me without the medication. Again I was wrong in November 2022 I had another mental breakdown and this one literally cost me everything.

I have been on medication since December 2022 and it is needed for the rest of my life. Being on medication has helped make things a bit easier on me.

However I lost everything December 2022 after that breakdown something changed and my fiancé at the time said is was too much loss and she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was in the hospital I had no idea of what had happened or what was happening to be honest.

I moved in with a friend I barely knew who was renting a room in her house. I saw my ex for the last time February 21 2023 when I was finally released from custody. She came saw me we talked as we drove and cried I couldn’t stop her she finally said goodbye.

Months have passed and one thing is for sure I love that woman with all I am and wish I could get her to talk to me. I’m deeply sorry for the pain I caused when I had my breakdown. Life isn’t bad here friendship is a beautiful gift and most days I spent hours in our pool it’s therapy. I laugh I also cry when I think of her and how much I miss her.

I wish I would have known how hard it was to deal with someone who has bipolar, mdd and ptsd. I would have never taken myself off the medication. I have been to jail and a mental health facility I’ve lost the love of my life and I’m here starting life all over again.

Every moment I find another reminder of our love

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It breaks my heart from the cards and letters to your jacket hanging up. I miss you. I try to reach out but you don’t want to hear from me, I honestly don’t understand how we went from true love to nothing at all.

Give me something anything at all just give me any way to talk to you or see you, I have to look into your eyes and hear you say you don’t love me maybe then I can find some peace. I know our hearts are still linked and it’s you I can’t leave.

I know you’re gone and there’s not a thing I can do except sit here patiently waiting for you to do what you have to do for you. Hopefully one day you will reach out and then we can see what this love is about.

I wonder if you’re thinking of me and missing me because this life without you is painful. It was supposed to be you and I together forevermore. I’m waiting here alone holding the door waiting for you to come back home to me.

I wish you were here

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I’m sitting in the recliner next to the one you used to lay in and fall asleep I can’t stop thinking about you and the love we shared. I miss you more then words can express and I’m just so lost when it comes to what happened to us.

I know I had the breakdown and it was bad yet I don’t remember it and now you’re gone and I’m forced to live without you. I miss everything about you if I pretend it’s almost like you’re still here with me and you’re just at work or something. I wish I could take all of the actions and words back that hurt you and made you leave me.

I have apologized countless times and I will continue until the day I die I’m so sorry I hurt you and you walked away to be okay yourself I honestly don’t know how I could ever do anything less then love you baby. I miss you my god I love you and I wish I could make this all better.

If you would give me a chance I would do everything in my power to make you the happiest woman in the world I don’t have that right anymore since I’m not your girl I would give anything to change it.

She asked me to move back in after everything and I’m so heartbroken that everything happened in November to destroy my life and now like oh nothings wrong come back. This is the worst part of it all we were destroyed for nothing at all. Now I have to live without you and I can’t stand it.

You will forever be the absolute love of my life and I will always be here hoping that you will come back one day.

I miss you

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I wish it wasn’t true, I wish I could let you go like you want me to do. I am still absolutely in love with you and I’m trying to understand how we got here. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of your beautiful brown eyes and perfect smile and wish I could still call you mine.

I don’t remember everything that happened when I got sick and I’m sorry for whatever I did. I only know that you’re my person and now you’re gone and I can’t move on I can barely breathe when I think of you because it hurts so bad. I wish I could call and talk to you and hear how your day has been, I don’t only miss you as my love and lover I miss you my best friend.

What I wouldn’t give to rewind to December and take all of the bad away you have no idea what I would give for one more day with you. I don’t understand how you could just leave like you did as if I meant nothing to you when clearly you still mean the world to me.

I write to get it off my chest because this no contact has me gripping my chest every song or memory that I have throws me into a panic attack because I know you’re not coming back and it’s hell for me without you by my side I don’t understand.

Tiffany I am so sorry for everything I ever did wrong please know it’s been you all along even when I was trying to work shit out I wasn’t in my right mind and now I am and my god I regret losing the love we had and the worst part is for me the love isn’t over yet. I still feel as strongly as the first day we met.

I wish you could forgive me and remember how we were instead of hating me for what I can’t remember. I love you.

With you

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I thought I could take on the world and accomplish anything yet all I did was lose everything one by one .

Finally I lost you too.

I found me sitting in a pool of tears and uncertainty.

I picked myself off and the pain made me drop to my knees how could it have all been a lie this can’t be reality.

The words we spoke the promises we made gone just like that because I went insane and had a mental breakdown .

You didn’t even hesitate you left me there and walked away.

I don’t know how to feel about it all part of me misses you so badly the other part wishes I’d never met you at all.

Especially now seeing that you don’t give a damn did I ever even know you or was it just a game to you. Life without I feel loss I hope your dreams come true.