Yet I can’t. Nor can I wish it away. It happened and now we are done.
I found all your voicemails from December 3,2022 I wanted to die when I heard you.
You were so fragile so afraid and so alone I was the one you trusted as home and I was gone.
I didn’t mean too, I wasn’t strong enough to carryon I needed help. I wasn’t myself too much pain and trauma bent me until I broke.
I’m so sorry I hurt you in the process. I had no idea what you must have gone through until I heard your voice. Your cries still haunt me I’m so sorry my baby.
Even though we’re not together I love you more with every day I only want the best for you in every way.
Life is good these days. I just moved into the cutest 3 bedroom with my daughter and my best friend (who coincidentally is madly in love with me). I’m talking to someone new it’s been a minute I’m finally ready to meet her. Tiffany and I are in communication it’s not great yet it’s something, I’ll take it.
I know things can’t be different and this is where we are yet I don’t want to be done. Tiffany will always be my great one and I miss her every day in every way. She wasn’t just my fiancé she was truly my best friend. Her leaving me was the greatest betrayal to my heart it destroyed me and yet I still hold space and pray for her daily.
I love her and you can’t help what the heart wants. I miss us as we were and I know given the chance it could be out of this world. My roommate and bestie is Estee she is also my ex fiancé from like 17 years ago. Life in our home is beautiful filled with laughter and joy. It’s peaceful.
The woman I’m talking to has children which concerns me because I don’t want anymore pain and with kids it’s easy to fall in love with kids making it harder to leave if things don’t work out. I’m not waiting for Tiffany she has made her decision crystal clear, I just won’t give up on her either.
My vibe is high these days which is nice and I’m about to be a grandmother which is wild to me. Like my person that I created is making his own person. Wild right! My baby boy is having a baby boy! I can’t wait to meet my grandson he is so loved already and he isn’t even here yet! I am so excited to be for him what I should have been to Gabby and Chris I just didn’t realize or know better at the time. I was only 21 the same age as my son is now. He has me in his corner he will never fail.
To watch Chris step into this new role in life is incredible. I am so in awe of the man he has become. He is emotionally and mentally supportive a hard worker, loving, devoted and protective. I am honored to call him my son and to watch him raise his beautiful son. Life is good.
Gabby is home with me now. Life is beautiful. I love to watch her strength and feisty personality as she maneuvers her way through this world with her big beautiful heart and soul. I watch her excitement and pride when speaking of her nephew it melts my heart I did something right in this world. Life is good.
I saw you deleted the videos of us on social media. It hurt. I can’t believe we’re in this place.
How the fuck did we get here? Why did I stop taking my mental health medication in 2019. I got off of them because I was finally happy and believed I didn’t need them anymore, I was wrong.
I didn’t see the decline until October 2020 when I had my first mental breakdown even then I refused to be medicated thinking I could fix me without the medication. Again I was wrong in November 2022 I had another mental breakdown and this one literally cost me everything.
I have been on medication since December 2022 and it is needed for the rest of my life. Being on medication has helped make things a bit easier on me.
However I lost everything December 2022 after that breakdown something changed and my fiancé at the time said is was too much loss and she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was in the hospital I had no idea of what had happened or what was happening to be honest.
I moved in with a friend I barely knew who was renting a room in her house. I saw my ex for the last time February 21 2023 when I was finally released from custody. She came saw me we talked as we drove and cried I couldn’t stop her she finally said goodbye.
Months have passed and one thing is for sure I love that woman with all I am and wish I could get her to talk to me. I’m deeply sorry for the pain I caused when I had my breakdown. Life isn’t bad here friendship is a beautiful gift and most days I spent hours in our pool it’s therapy. I laugh I also cry when I think of her and how much I miss her.
I wish I would have known how hard it was to deal with someone who has bipolar, mdd and ptsd. I would have never taken myself off the medication. I have been to jail and a mental health facility I’ve lost the love of my life and I’m here starting life all over again.
I’m sitting in the recliner next to the one you used to lay in and fall asleep I can’t stop thinking about you and the love we shared. I miss you more then words can express and I’m just so lost when it comes to what happened to us.
I know I had the breakdown and it was bad yet I don’t remember it and now you’re gone and I’m forced to live without you. I miss everything about you if I pretend it’s almost like you’re still here with me and you’re just at work or something. I wish I could take all of the actions and words back that hurt you and made you leave me.
I have apologized countless times and I will continue until the day I die I’m so sorry I hurt you and you walked away to be okay yourself I honestly don’t know how I could ever do anything less then love you baby. I miss you my god I love you and I wish I could make this all better.
If you would give me a chance I would do everything in my power to make you the happiest woman in the world I don’t have that right anymore since I’m not your girl I would give anything to change it.
She asked me to move back in after everything and I’m so heartbroken that everything happened in November to destroy my life and now like oh nothings wrong come back. This is the worst part of it all we were destroyed for nothing at all. Now I have to live without you and I can’t stand it.
You will forever be the absolute love of my life and I will always be here hoping that you will come back one day.
I wish it wasn’t true, I wish I could let you go like you want me to do. I am still absolutely in love with you and I’m trying to understand how we got here. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of your beautiful brown eyes and perfect smile and wish I could still call you mine.
I don’t remember everything that happened when I got sick and I’m sorry for whatever I did. I only know that you’re my person and now you’re gone and I can’t move on I can barely breathe when I think of you because it hurts so bad. I wish I could call and talk to you and hear how your day has been, I don’t only miss you as my love and lover I miss you my best friend.
What I wouldn’t give to rewind to December and take all of the bad away you have no idea what I would give for one more day with you. I don’t understand how you could just leave like you did as if I meant nothing to you when clearly you still mean the world to me.
I write to get it off my chest because this no contact has me gripping my chest every song or memory that I have throws me into a panic attack because I know you’re not coming back and it’s hell for me without you by my side I don’t understand.
Tiffany I am so sorry for everything I ever did wrong please know it’s been you all along even when I was trying to work shit out I wasn’t in my right mind and now I am and my god I regret losing the love we had and the worst part is for me the love isn’t over yet. I still feel as strongly as the first day we met.
I wish you could forgive me and remember how we were instead of hating me for what I can’t remember. I love you.
I thought I could take on the world and accomplish anything yet all I did was lose everything one by one .
Finally I lost you too.
I found me sitting in a pool of tears and uncertainty.
I picked myself off and the pain made me drop to my knees how could it have all been a lie this can’t be reality.
The words we spoke the promises we made gone just like that because I went insane and had a mental breakdown .
You didn’t even hesitate you left me there and walked away.
I don’t know how to feel about it all part of me misses you so badly the other part wishes I’d never met you at all.
Especially now seeing that you don’t give a damn did I ever even know you or was it just a game to you. Life without I feel loss I hope your dreams come true.
I listened to the words pour from your lips as you made me believe them as truth. I told you of all my fears and showed you my scars you said there was nothing anyone could do to take you away from me.
I’m here you’re gone and I’m struggling with it. When we were a couple together it was pure magic and then I got sick and you got scared and walked away from me. I couldn’t follow I was stuck in the hospital I was broken and hollow.
You refused to return my calls on most days and you told me you would come back to see me and ignored me completely. I waited for you as you used my car to hangout with your new friends, you walked away from us and left me behind you had my car and wouldn’t even try to care you left me behind without a care.
When I got out you came to give me back my stuff and my car you couldn’t even make eye contact I no longer knew who you are. Again you made promises that we would always be friends you said later that week you would be back again, you never came.
My heart is broken because my love for you is true how is it so easy to hurt me in the ways you promised you would never do. I tried to talk to you to understand what was happening, it just pissed you off so you went for verbal attacking and then blocked me.
Did I even know you or was it a facade I don’t know anymore. Falling for you was easy I didn’t have to try hard and I believed you and I believed in us now I’m here standing in the pile of dust the wreckage of all we used to be I love you still even though you’re out there living your best life without me.
For me time had stopped I couldn’t leave and for you time went on you had no problem when you wanted to up and leave. I just don’t understand what happened to our love I’m sorry I had a breakdown I didn’t mean to fuck up.
I hope your happy. I hope you miss me like I miss you. I can’t stand to think of a world where our love wasn’t real and true, yet with the way you now treat me it’s hard to believe it was ever real.
Abuse destroys humans Abused people destroy those they love Abused people can become abusers Abuse in family destroys children Children grow up to become abusive partners They cycle continues
Let me explain you have a child. Love them well for they deserve all the love you have you built them up and gave your all, you managed to raise an amazing person.
They now look for love.
Depending on the love they learned growing up will dictate how they love others.
It should work like this in the end… This SHOULD BE COMMON SENSE. IT IS THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED AND WHAT WE WERE CREATED FOR.. TO BRING PEACE AND JOY FOR ALL
WHEN A CHILD IS – A Healthy adult is born one who
Loved well- love’s well
Cared for- cares for others
Understood- is understanding and non judgmental
Supported- Responsible
Thought of- Thoughtful
Etc
Here’s the polar opposite
When a child is yelled at, hit, demeaned, violated, assaulted, neglected, screamed at, bullied, silenced, uncared for, unwanted, abused, molested, discarded, forgotten, abandoned, suffering, hungry or in poverty. It destroys them fundamentally in every possible way, the very way they have been taught this world is a way of pain.
So you happy healthy well loved child goes into the world and falls in love unknowing what love truly is, they only know what they witness you accepting in your personal relationships and the societal norms.
If your family began in a church like literally everyone’s did when you came to America and Christ was Crowned king of this world yet Christ is not GOD alone Christ is GOD when the Heart of Jesus Christ steps into to realize the I AM is GOD. It is complete or it is not.
The ways and preachings of the Bible separated the truth that one must be integrated whole and healed to step fully into self, by preaching the ways of Christ and not the ways of the I AM that is GOD.
The church then led you astray by placing you into a covenant with a false GOD, whom them sent his delivers of evil.
evil will intentionally destroy you to save itself. #wakeup
IF THIS IS YOUR REALITY THIS IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND THEY WONT STOP UNTIL YOURE DEAD AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOU.
NARCISSISTS DONT LOVE OR VALUE PEOPLE THEY USE THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM UNTIL THEY ARE DESTROYED, DRAINED, DEAD, DISCARDED OR THE PERSON WAKES UP AND FIGHTS BACK!
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY INTENTIONALLY CONFUSE ANS GASLIGHT YOU, THEY LIE AND MANIPULATE SO WELL YOU SLOWLY START TO QUESTION YOUR OWN SANITY AND SELF BLAME, ITS THEIR FAVORITE GAME!
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY INTENTIONALLY DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, THEY CLAIM ITS TO PROTECT YOU… YES FROM SEEING THE TRUTH!!
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY SECLUDE YOU FROM YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM BECAUSE ITS EASIER TO MANIPULATE SOMEONE WHO HAS NO SUPPORT.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY CANT KEEP JOBS LONG BECAUSE IF THEIR TOXIC ATTITUDES AND YOURE LEFT PAYING IN MORE WAYS THEN YOU UNDERSTAND.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY ARE CONTROLLING AS A FORM OF ABUSE NOT BECAUSE THEY CARE YOU ARE NOT AND INDIVIDUAL TO THEM THEY OWN YOU.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY MAKE YOU THEIR SLAVE AND THEIR PUPPET AND YOU FIGHT TO DEFEND THEM, WHILE THEY MAKE A JOKE OF YOU.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THEY STEAL YOUR TIME YOUR ENERGY YOUR FAMILY YOUR HOPE YOUR FRIENDS YOUR HOPE THEY STEAL YOUR LIFE AND YOU FIGHT TO KEEP LETTING THEM. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
MY EX KEPT ME FROM USING MY CAR THAT WAS IN MY NAME THAT I PAID FOR WHEN EVER SHE FELT LIKE IT TO KEEP ME AT HOME AND FEELING HELPLESS.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
DAYS SHE WOULDNT COME HOME WHAT SHE WANTED WAS ALL THAT MATTERED SHE DIDNT LOVE ME SHE WANTED TO OWN ME TO CONTROL ME. TO ME IT FELT LIKE PROTECTION.
I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.
THIS IS ABUSE NOT LOVE WAKE THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND STOP LETTING THEM DESTROY YOU.
Unpacking and healing the baggage of life.. let’s take a walk together as we find a better way. 