new beginnings

The end of an era from hell to heaven. Narcissistic abuse how it breaks your mental to thinking it is you!

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What I grew up believing love was supposed to be I was so so wrong.

Passage November 16, 2018

Relationships are not what everyone thinks they are. It’s not waking up early every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It’s not cuddling in bed together until both of you peacefully fall asleep. It’s not a clean home and a homemade meal every day. It’s someone who steals all the covers. It’s slammed doors and a few harsh words, fights and the silent treatment, it’s wondering if you’ve made the right decision.
It is, despite all of those things, the one thing you look forward to every day.
It’s coming home to the same person everyday that you know loves and cares about you. It’s laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid.
It’s about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at 10pm to eat because you both had a crazy day. It’s when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay, and you believe them. It’s when “Dvd and chill” literally means you watch a dvd and hang out. It’s about still loving someone even though they make you absolutely insane.
Living with the person you love it’s not perfect and it’s hard, but it’s amazing and comforting and the best thing you’ll ever experience.

After Two years of extreme narcissistic emotional and mental abuse, I was so in love and lost I couldn’t continue to live this way any longer I cried and prayed for death. I was no good to my children, myself or anyone.

Speaking My Truth : Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible? That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it. Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again. This time from a different view point. You, I... it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame... perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified. Changes in perception, brought about this revelation... I am no better than you or anyone. I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears.... For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right. Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved. What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally. I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves. Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up. I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us... especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”. Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom. Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity. I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together. No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything. Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow. I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself. I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned. My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will. Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified! It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way... in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,
Tami Siegfried
11/14/2018

I ended the relationship and focused on myself Christmas 2018 I became my own gift.

My Life with a drug addicted narcissist and why I couldn’t leave. Also warning signs for you!

/ divinetemptations1111 / 1 Comment

Some signs you’re dealing with an out of control addict. Frequently unemployed. Anger/rage. Money is missing. Bills go unpaid. Always asking for money. They disappear for long periods of time randomly for no good reason.

Now with the asking for money be cautious while understanding who is the narcissist and who is the victim stuck trying to save them. Both may ask for money one for survival the other to use for drugs.

Items of value are missing. Constant lies and wild senseless stories with zero proof to back them.

When you’re in love you’re truly dumb and blind we see only what we want and not things for what they really are. We do this because we have been conditioned to accept peoples poor behaviors and blame ourselves for them.

They treat us poorly and instantly we scan ourselves looking for the problem, I did something wrong… I didn’t do enough… it was my fault I got them mad… self blame is so real.

We have no idea what’s really happening we have fallen head over heals innocently we truly love them and we’re naive that the only thing they love is themselves.

As for myself I didn’t know life another way this toxic behavior was standard growing up and life was better with her then it ever was at home or anywhere I finally felt safe and loved for once.

We nobly BELIVE if we can help them conquer their demons we will be rewarded once again with the person we fell in love with.

It’s not true there is no happy ending to this story. This isn’t a Disney fairytale I promise it’s a beautiful nightmare at best.

It was only an illusion the person you fell in love never existed it was only a mask of a character they created to walk amongst us.

You see if you wait long enough the mask as it falls off yet when they see you notice and start speaking up that’s when the real fun begins.

They start love bombing you, promising everything will change, they tell you stick with it and all your dreams will come true.

Sadly you begin to gaslight yourself because you must be doing something wrong, if you could learn to be more patient they will come around. They just need more… more love patience, understanding, blood, sweat, tears, life force.

They are laughing at your stupidity I wish I was lying, I’m not.

They laugh every time you cry, every time you beg, every time you try to reason with them, every time you take them back, every time you make a empty threat they realize they own you.

You have lost so much. You have dedicated everything and it’s not that bad right? Wrong!! WRONG WRONG WRONG!

You stay, cry, hope, beg, plead, pray and fade away as you silently pray for death. If you have kids like I do they watched it all and suffered through it to.

I now see and fully understand the responsibility falls on me! I allowed them to go through trauma by what I allowed to be done to me. There was nothing more I could do. My kids started scattering like roaches when she came home from work.

You are drained, broken, confused and they are no longer addicted to one thing and unto something to else but hey it’s not pills so she’s the best!

Now they feel fixed and healed and with all the unconditional love, understanding and support you’ve provided them.

You’re no longer of use the moment you start fighting for yourself, once you stop allowing the abuse they discard you and you don’t see it coming.

While they promise to help you heal and fix the trauma and damage they’ve caused you intentionally they run away from responsibility and accountability.

They have already been seeking, testing and grooming a new supply. They are not an upgrade that’s not how narcissists operate this is always a downgrade.

They seek those who are weak unhappy with themselves and those who have low self esteem. They actively seek victims who can be easily confused, controlled and manipulated.

It’s a game and the prey doesn’t fight back, they’re stupid, naive, trusting, innocent, pure hearted and loyal.

Typically they come from abusive backgrounds and have children as narcissists love to manipulate and play family against one another.

A narcissist never changes they only change you. They change who they play the their evil game with. As with anyone or anything, YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE WHO REFUSES TO COMMIT TO SAVING THEMSELVES.

Please save yourself, the cost of their love is your life get out alive!

Their love wasn’t love it was control and manipulation, you don’t destroy someone you love. Even if you did unintentionally when you realized it you would do whatever to make it right if it was love.

You don’t throw things away that you love, you only throw away what you’re done using, when you’re done using it.

Like the banana peel that gets thrown in the trash because the banana inside is gone. Thats what they do.

Invest in yourself and fight like hell to have the life of your dreams. All the money time and effort you put into everyone else imagine where you could be in 2 years if you put all that love and attention into you!

Love doesn’t hurt only abuse does.

WARNING Signs they’re abusive and possibly narcissistic!!

/ divinetemptations1111 / 2 Comments

Some signs of sexual, emotional and mental abusers and ways they manipulate.

If they make you feel bad if you don’t do what they want

If they force you to do things

If they intentionally ignore you when you need them

If they feel the need to punish or teach you a lesson

If they control you

If they talk badly about those you love to influence anger in you

If you can’t think straight when they’re talking during an argument you’re not crazy!!

If they tell you that you have said something you know you didn’t say, yet you clearly remember them saying. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY it’s one way they gaslight you and mentally and emotionally abuse you to intentionally confuse you.

They are absolutely aware start recording conversations if you have to!

If you can’t trust them

If they continue to hurt you once you’ve told them it hurts

If they call you names

If they touch you and you don’t want them too

If they punish you for asking them not to touch you or hurt you

If you rather sit in your car rather then go inside the house

When you can’t wait for them to leave for work

When your family doesn’t like them ask why!

If they dismiss your feelings

If they call you crazy

If they break things or hit things

If they flash a weapon during a fight

If their anger scares you

If they scream and belittle you

If they can’t be honest

If they say mean things to you

If your are crying because of how they make you feel.

If you’re in an abusive relationship

Are you their parent?

If the answer is no they’re not your responsibility, YOU ARE YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR ONLY RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS WORLD. Until your children are adults then we give them their space and we are always there then we’re able to again focus on us for the first real time.

You owe them nothing!

Get help call and find out what support you have available for your income level and fight like hell for your life.

If you stay I promise they will kill you, realize they’ve been doing it slowly this entire time and you’ve been allowing it and paying for it all in every single way.

Understand this!

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment


This is for all aspects home, work, life & love

If you can’t depend on those on your team they don’t belong on your team it’s what I’m learning right now.

Demote. Fire. Hire. Promote. Accordingly.

Stop wasting time we need people we can count on. People will gladly come to take whatever you have to give yet they can’t honor their commitments.

This is all beyond disgusting im over every one and everything when I stop to see the reality of it all and call it what it is.

People will continue to do what they want with zero regard to how it affects you, until you choose to stop it.
You set the bar for how others treat you.

Most people are only self serving they have no sense of responsibility or accountability.

There are no consequences to their poor behaviors so they do whatever the they want.

No issue there until it interferes with my life…

Keep your messy to yourself if it runs over to my side I will address

You have no one to blame for your adult life except you!

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

By now we have had to come to the realization that we are the only ones at fault if the life we live isn’t one we love.

We alone choose what we accept and allow only when we become silent and small so we start allowing others to treat us as they wish with zero regard to how it makes us feel. This is how we begin to accept abuse.

We don’t speak up for our needs and then we whine when they go unmet. How many times do we have to ask, cry, hurt, beg or plead for bare minimum?

Do they have to approach you the same way for their basic needs to be met? Do they have to beg you for love, understanding, patience, kindness, care, attention, time, intimacy, romance or basic decency?

If your answer is no then why is it okay for you to have to beg to receive what you give so freely?

Are you understanding it yet…. Give what you get, get what you give or it’s not balanced or love it’s you accepting less while you give everything you have and leave yourself depleted, frustrated eventually it will become regret and disgust.

Save yourself find true love. You’ve dealt with enough bullshit.

Breaking news….. SAVE YOURSELF !!

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

Stop complaining unless they intentionally did something to harm you.

If you’re not their child or lover they owe you nothing period.

I’m tired of your complaining so let me break it down.

They’re not supporting you because you’re not a thought to them they are focused on their own lives.

So stop putting your energy attention and worry into what everyone else is doing they clearly aren’t making you a focus.

All the time you spend worrying, complaining or posting you could be fixing yourself and building your life.

People are living for them you have to stop waiting for them to do what’s right they aren’t coming to save you.

You have to fight for you and focus on you or you only have yourself to blame for the condition of your life, it’s time to live for you!

If you want better go get it, I have busted my ass doing whatever I could to make sure we didn’t go without if you’re going without it’s because you’re keeping yourself there.

It’s time to get back to reality and wake up to the truth we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

We teach people how to treat us by what we accept if that’s how those people treat you they aren’t your people.

True story time October 2020 what a crime. Loving a narcissist.

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I had a mental breakdown during the pandemic after I had successfully left my narcissist and healed I had moved on happy in life and love finally rebuilding it was amazing. Now I will say I was finally simply being loved no longer abused and that was for the first time in my entire life.


It’s safe to say my standard and understanding of my self… care, value, worth had changed as the love continued to proved trustworthy and I was no longer allowing any toxicity in my life.

I also had a 21 year old and a 18yr old who was ready to not hear mom complaining he wasn’t ready to grow in the ways I expected.
Here comes my narcissistic abusive ex with promises of no rent or responsibility a total bro pad of course he jumped.


I was absolutely devastated how could he choose abuse over doing the right thing. It was easy to see it was comfortable and change was scary it means you had to be responsible and he simply wasn’t ready.

That wasn’t his fault it was mine too much time and energy trying to save a narcissist who was intentionally trying to destroy me and I was so blind I believed it was love and lost myself somewhere in time.

Anyway my world shattered I was trying to sort it all out, after a life of abuse we finally had a happy healthy home and we were thriving I tried to understand what I did wrong and I came undone.

They came for his belongings my ex made it violent I had to involve the authorities within days I was completely gone into despair pain anger confusion rage hate omg you name it I was embodying it.

Yet my mind and senses remained in tack so I was fighting with my 21 year old at 1 am I’m tired and hurt I want to sleep she wants to be heard and refuses to let me be.

I can no longer contain the pain in me it pours out in every word I speak it escalates quickly hands are placed I break free and walk away. Out front the door of my home where I find police officers coming up the stairs I stopped and talked to them and that was my biggest mistake I should have just kept walking into nature as I intended.

I thought I would be safe I thought I was doing the right thing.

I was never allowed home after that night I lost everything and now I have pending charges on my life.

I’m not allowed to speak any more while it’s pending funny free isn’t free..I can’t speak on those who wronged me I’m on trial how can it be? It feels like a witch hunt to me. I also have footage I’m not stupid you see. A change is here and it began with me!

Narcissist Vs Empath

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

When it comes to what you think you know about a person and who they truly are you know nothing.

Many will only show you the parts of themselves that they want you to see. Remember that they can only share what they are ready to reveal to themselves.

You know only what people tell you

People will tell you only what they want you to know and only the version they want you to hear.

Human nature is to present the best version to fit into society and give people the best first impression.

Over time the truth of who a person truly is starts to be revealed once they’ve obtained their goal in securing a relationship with you, many will come to find a shift has occurred.

Suddenly things that were once relevant and meant the most fade, you start to see the person isn’t quite the same as they presented themselves to be when you first met and started your relationship.

Here is the kicker look back you will often come to find that the red flags and warning signs were all around.

The problem you loved them absolutely you didn’t see them for who they were….

In my case because of past trauma I believed the way I was being treated was my fault, something I had done wrong so I internalized it and believed I was unworthy, broken.

I felt If I could find the proper way to love, if I stoped being so me, if I would just do what they were asking and stopped being so disagreeable I would be enough.

So I made myself very small and I stopped fighting for me and I prayed they would go back to the person they were when it all began.

I never stopped to think they weren’t caring or loving me in the same way. Never did I imagine they weren’t there for love but only for what they could take from me to help them feel better about what they could never be.

If someone has to take something from you it is because they lack the ability to create it for themselves.. IF THEY TOOK FROM YOU ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIFT BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.

So while I was pouring all my love and care into them they were more then happy to take it all with no regard to me, I begged and pleaded for the abusive behaviors to change but they didn’t cease.

When I was drained completely, there was no love for me there was no care or healing reciprocity there was nothing not even a thought.

I was discarded this is what happens when you fall in love with a narcissist you’re in it for love they’re in it for the challenge of the game.

Life is full of narcissistic ways it’s time we stop destroying others and calling it love.

Welcome to the battle of humanity and love this is end game.

It’s not you actually yes it is…

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

Listen no one is gonna come save you, you have to stand up and say enough is enough. If your life isn’t what you want it’s time to stand up and take control stop focusing on all the ways the hurt you and start showing yourself that you were not what they made you feel and the ways they have hurt you.


That is completely on them you never deserved the pain.
Now your life is your responsibility and it’s time you take accountability for how you let others treat you.


This is your life stand up and fight to make your dreams come true you have a beautiful heart and soul you deserve peace and love but you have to stand up for yourself if you want it.

When you honor yourself, when you walk in your authenticity and full integrity there is nothing left to fear.

Stop waiting for others to do what’s right for you that’s your job.

We teach others how to treat us by what we allow it’s time to make ourselves a priority in our own life.

Letter to my father John N Irizarry

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See I am forced to go public the pain is too much to hold I didn’t leave and abandon you I was a year old.

Yet I paid with my mind, heart, little body and soul. When I found you at 18 you had an amazing life that’s for sure.. I didn’t fit in I was a burden you said it and walked away yet again.

Then 2019 came I hadn’t heard from you in such a long time I was honestly ecstatic maybe this was it my time to matter to you, sadly it was not instead your mother was dying and none of your children cared to support you. Carly a sister that isn’t a sister to me had you reach out and hand that burden to me.

Family means everything and I was so grateful until you all took advantage and tried to use me you have to understand how that confused me and still I paid for it all, just to spend time making memories it was worth it I thought.

Then my birthday or Christmas not even a card did I receive I finally broke down and why didn’t you care about me? Your response broke my heart and my mind my spirit started to break free.. After what you said to me.

It wouldn’t be fair to your sisters yours hers and another sisters, I was devastated this is a joke right this is the first chance to do something nice and try to make up for all you never cared to do. Yet you were my father why did her daughters get two yet I got none. That hurt little girl isn’t done and she will be heard.

Your cruel words help crash down my world I had a mental breakdown from this disease of insanity you all handed to me by not behaving like adults and handling your responsibilities.

Have a conversation like an adult you literally created this chaos by ignoring your responsibility now the issue came in when u suffered my entire childhood because youcouldnt do the right thing. Then you blame and shame me for my lack of success who are you to put that on me?

You laid in the bed and got my mother pregnant you chose to walk away and never help.
You didn’t care if I lived or died and still to this day you can’t be bothered to make the wrongs right.

Instead you’re so worried about maintaining the status you tried to secure yourself with a false image that you present.
I won’t live ignored hidden taking all the blame I will speak and be heard.
Men like you are the problem in this world.
I will do all I can to change this and use my pain as the example.