shaman

This can’t be real

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

I listened to the words pour from your lips as you made me believe them as truth. I told you of all my fears and showed you my scars you said there was nothing anyone could do to take you away from me.

I’m here you’re gone and I’m struggling with it. When we were a couple together it was pure magic and then I got sick and you got scared and walked away from me. I couldn’t follow I was stuck in the hospital I was broken and hollow.

You refused to return my calls on most days and you told me you would come back to see me and ignored me completely. I waited for you as you used my car to hangout with your new friends, you walked away from us and left me behind you had my car and wouldn’t even try to care you left me behind without a care.

When I got out you came to give me back my stuff and my car you couldn’t even make eye contact I no longer knew who you are. Again you made promises that we would always be friends you said later that week you would be back again, you never came.

My heart is broken because my love for you is true how is it so easy to hurt me in the ways you promised you would never do. I tried to talk to you to understand what was happening, it just pissed you off so you went for verbal attacking and then blocked me.

Did I even know you or was it a facade I don’t know anymore. Falling for you was easy I didn’t have to try hard and I believed you and I believed in us now I’m here standing in the pile of dust the wreckage of all we used to be I love you still even though you’re out there living your best life without me.

For me time had stopped I couldn’t leave and for you time went on you had no problem when you wanted to up and leave. I just don’t understand what happened to our love I’m sorry I had a breakdown I didn’t mean to fuck up.

I hope your happy. I hope you miss me like I miss you. I can’t stand to think of a world where our love wasn’t real and true, yet with the way you now treat me it’s hard to believe it was ever real.

I thought it was love.. it was abuse

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

IF THIS IS YOUR REALITY THIS IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND THEY WONT STOP UNTIL YOURE DEAD AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOU.

NARCISSISTS DONT LOVE OR VALUE PEOPLE THEY USE THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM UNTIL THEY ARE DESTROYED, DRAINED, DEAD, DISCARDED OR THE PERSON WAKES UP AND FIGHTS BACK!

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY INTENTIONALLY CONFUSE ANS GASLIGHT YOU, THEY LIE AND MANIPULATE SO WELL YOU SLOWLY START TO QUESTION YOUR OWN SANITY AND SELF BLAME, ITS THEIR FAVORITE GAME!

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY INTENTIONALLY DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, THEY CLAIM ITS TO PROTECT YOU… YES FROM SEEING THE TRUTH!!

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY SECLUDE YOU FROM YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM BECAUSE ITS EASIER TO MANIPULATE SOMEONE WHO HAS NO SUPPORT.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY CANT KEEP JOBS LONG BECAUSE IF THEIR TOXIC ATTITUDES AND YOURE LEFT PAYING IN MORE WAYS THEN YOU UNDERSTAND.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY ARE CONTROLLING AS A FORM OF ABUSE NOT BECAUSE THEY CARE YOU ARE NOT AND INDIVIDUAL TO THEM THEY OWN YOU.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY MAKE YOU THEIR SLAVE AND THEIR PUPPET AND YOU FIGHT TO DEFEND THEM, WHILE THEY MAKE A JOKE OF YOU.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THEY STEAL YOUR TIME YOUR ENERGY YOUR FAMILY YOUR HOPE YOUR FRIENDS YOUR HOPE THEY STEAL YOUR LIFE AND YOU FIGHT TO KEEP LETTING THEM.
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

MY EX KEPT ME FROM USING MY CAR THAT WAS IN MY NAME THAT I PAID FOR WHEN EVER SHE FELT LIKE IT TO KEEP ME AT HOME AND FEELING HELPLESS.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

DAYS SHE WOULDNT COME HOME WHAT SHE WANTED WAS ALL THAT MATTERED SHE DIDNT LOVE ME SHE WANTED TO OWN ME TO CONTROL ME.
TO ME IT FELT LIKE PROTECTION.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

THIS IS ABUSE NOT LOVE WAKE THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND STOP LETTING THEM DESTROY YOU.

I thought it was love because I am a child of abuse. Love was never healthy for me my upbringing felt like this too.. HONESTLY IT FELT EASY LIKE NOTHING I HADN’T BEEN THROUGH, I thought I could make it work I tried I gave my all. I lost everything and took the greatest fall.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I LET IT HAPPEN I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE.

I BLAMED AND HATED MYSELF.

THE TRUTH IS IT WASN’T MY FAULT JUST LIKE YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR ANYONE TO ABUSE YOU EITHER NOW YOU KNOW ITS UP TO YOU TO SAVE YOURSELF.

THEY ARE EVIL WHILE YOU WOULD DIE FOR THEM, THE MOMENT YOU STOP ALLOWING THE ABUSE THEY ARE ALREADY LOOKING FOR YOUR REPLACEMENT..

I DO NOW!

TRY IT OUT STOP LETTING THEM ABUSE YOU AND WATCH WHAT THEY DO, START SETTING BOUNDARIES, STOP DOING WHAT THEY TELL YOU TOO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MIND START TO THINK FOR YOU!

THIS ISN’T IT RUN!! LOVE DOESN’T HURT, ONLY PAIN HURTS!

WAKE UP ITS TIME TO STAND UP AGAINST SILENT ABUSE NOW.

The end of an era from hell to heaven. Narcissistic abuse how it breaks your mental to thinking it is you!

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

What I grew up believing love was supposed to be I was so so wrong.

Passage November 16, 2018

Relationships are not what everyone thinks they are. It’s not waking up early every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It’s not cuddling in bed together until both of you peacefully fall asleep. It’s not a clean home and a homemade meal every day. It’s someone who steals all the covers. It’s slammed doors and a few harsh words, fights and the silent treatment, it’s wondering if you’ve made the right decision.
It is, despite all of those things, the one thing you look forward to every day.
It’s coming home to the same person everyday that you know loves and cares about you. It’s laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid.
It’s about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at 10pm to eat because you both had a crazy day. It’s when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay, and you believe them. It’s when “Dvd and chill” literally means you watch a dvd and hang out. It’s about still loving someone even though they make you absolutely insane.
Living with the person you love it’s not perfect and it’s hard, but it’s amazing and comforting and the best thing you’ll ever experience.

After Two years of extreme narcissistic emotional and mental abuse, I was so in love and lost I couldn’t continue to live this way any longer I cried and prayed for death. I was no good to my children, myself or anyone.

Speaking My Truth : Pain, disappointment, anger & guilt. They will trap you, into this place of false justification & Victim mentality. How could you possibly be held responsible? That’s what you ask yourself. You can’t! They hurt you so deeply, broke your trust. THEY let YOUR heart down! They promised to love and respect you, you believed them, you expected it. Ok now that you have heard that, I will say it again. This time from a different view point. You, I... it doesn’t matter, no one is innocent or to blame... perception is key.

I felt and acted as if I had the right to.. Hurt, belittle, betray and attempt to damage you (even if only in my subconscious). Because of what I ultimately allowed. It’s ok it was justified. Changes in perception, brought about this revelation... I am no better than you or anyone. I believed I was better, amazing even. Although I’m sure in some ways, my actions were far worse. Still I was better in my eyes, I was amazing. YOU caused the initial pain, heartbreak and tears.... For that I was justified in attempting to break you, in my anger & pain, it was my right. Oh how I was so wrong! I was so blinded, living in the belief that my actions, were not only justified but acceptable and deserved. What I didn’t see is how the pain & anger, had enslaved us equally. I watched us drift further apart from each other, from our children and ourselves. Depression moved in because anger, disappointment, pain & guilt weren’t enough. The days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Anytime we would speak rage would show up. I can clearly see the hurt in both of us. We sat outside, you tried to talk to me. I felt attacked, how dare you question me?? After what YOU have done to me, to us... especially to the kids. I believe you said, “baby stop living in the past, you have to let it go”. Instantly insanity joined the gang, I flipped my lid! Let go of the past?!? How dare you!! The words that escaped my lips, like newly sharpened heated knives. Each cutting deeper than the one before. You retaliated, really you were trying to guard and protect yourself from my venom. Cold & dark came over and with them came pettiness, man did we love to play with them. Not once did we stop to realize. It was so very toxic, the truth is we didn’t stay together because of codependency or necessity. I tried to make myself believe that was the reason we were together. No matter what we did, no matter how bad it hurt. We couldn’t stay away, we couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how we fought what we knew so deeply. We truly loved the other, our children and ourselves more then anything. Our bond was always thicker than a snickers, you were my true ROD, My ace. You and I together we were destroying our children. The desire to be justified and worst of all right. It didn’t occur to us EVER, that it was absolutely in the wrong way. We gave no room for forgiveness. There was no desire to truly heal or grow. I remember harboring so much resentment, such disappointment and anger at the person you became. Now I see clearly. You’re no more or less screwed up than I am or anyone else! What I saw in you, I was fighting to not see in myself. I am blessed to finally have absolute truth and clarity. This lesson finally learned. My God, it was one of the hardest to endure. Now that we have learned the lesson.. I share this with all, take it for what you will. Forgiveness, healing, learning to trust again and breaking the cycle we created, will forever be my priority over being right or justified! It is far more important to be living, patient, understanding and willing to admit wrong. We are no better than anyone. What we judge in other’s is what needs healing within us. This is the beauty way... in all pain & darkness, beauty is there. We only have to open our heart & shift our perception.

Original Passage by ,
Tami Siegfried
11/14/2018

I ended the relationship and focused on myself Christmas 2018 I became my own gift.

My Life with a drug addicted narcissist and why I couldn’t leave. Also warning signs for you!

/ divinetemptations1111 / 1 Comment

Some signs you’re dealing with an out of control addict. Frequently unemployed. Anger/rage. Money is missing. Bills go unpaid. Always asking for money. They disappear for long periods of time randomly for no good reason.

Now with the asking for money be cautious while understanding who is the narcissist and who is the victim stuck trying to save them. Both may ask for money one for survival the other to use for drugs.

Items of value are missing. Constant lies and wild senseless stories with zero proof to back them.

When you’re in love you’re truly dumb and blind we see only what we want and not things for what they really are. We do this because we have been conditioned to accept peoples poor behaviors and blame ourselves for them.

They treat us poorly and instantly we scan ourselves looking for the problem, I did something wrong… I didn’t do enough… it was my fault I got them mad… self blame is so real.

We have no idea what’s really happening we have fallen head over heals innocently we truly love them and we’re naive that the only thing they love is themselves.

As for myself I didn’t know life another way this toxic behavior was standard growing up and life was better with her then it ever was at home or anywhere I finally felt safe and loved for once.

We nobly BELIVE if we can help them conquer their demons we will be rewarded once again with the person we fell in love with.

It’s not true there is no happy ending to this story. This isn’t a Disney fairytale I promise it’s a beautiful nightmare at best.

It was only an illusion the person you fell in love never existed it was only a mask of a character they created to walk amongst us.

You see if you wait long enough the mask as it falls off yet when they see you notice and start speaking up that’s when the real fun begins.

They start love bombing you, promising everything will change, they tell you stick with it and all your dreams will come true.

Sadly you begin to gaslight yourself because you must be doing something wrong, if you could learn to be more patient they will come around. They just need more… more love patience, understanding, blood, sweat, tears, life force.

They are laughing at your stupidity I wish I was lying, I’m not.

They laugh every time you cry, every time you beg, every time you try to reason with them, every time you take them back, every time you make a empty threat they realize they own you.

You have lost so much. You have dedicated everything and it’s not that bad right? Wrong!! WRONG WRONG WRONG!

You stay, cry, hope, beg, plead, pray and fade away as you silently pray for death. If you have kids like I do they watched it all and suffered through it to.

I now see and fully understand the responsibility falls on me! I allowed them to go through trauma by what I allowed to be done to me. There was nothing more I could do. My kids started scattering like roaches when she came home from work.

You are drained, broken, confused and they are no longer addicted to one thing and unto something to else but hey it’s not pills so she’s the best!

Now they feel fixed and healed and with all the unconditional love, understanding and support you’ve provided them.

You’re no longer of use the moment you start fighting for yourself, once you stop allowing the abuse they discard you and you don’t see it coming.

While they promise to help you heal and fix the trauma and damage they’ve caused you intentionally they run away from responsibility and accountability.

They have already been seeking, testing and grooming a new supply. They are not an upgrade that’s not how narcissists operate this is always a downgrade.

They seek those who are weak unhappy with themselves and those who have low self esteem. They actively seek victims who can be easily confused, controlled and manipulated.

It’s a game and the prey doesn’t fight back, they’re stupid, naive, trusting, innocent, pure hearted and loyal.

Typically they come from abusive backgrounds and have children as narcissists love to manipulate and play family against one another.

A narcissist never changes they only change you. They change who they play the their evil game with. As with anyone or anything, YOU CANNOT COMMIT TO ANYONE WHO REFUSES TO COMMIT TO SAVING THEMSELVES.

Please save yourself, the cost of their love is your life get out alive!

Their love wasn’t love it was control and manipulation, you don’t destroy someone you love. Even if you did unintentionally when you realized it you would do whatever to make it right if it was love.

You don’t throw things away that you love, you only throw away what you’re done using, when you’re done using it.

Like the banana peel that gets thrown in the trash because the banana inside is gone. Thats what they do.

Invest in yourself and fight like hell to have the life of your dreams. All the money time and effort you put into everyone else imagine where you could be in 2 years if you put all that love and attention into you!

Love doesn’t hurt only abuse does.

Letter to my father John N Irizarry

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

See I am forced to go public the pain is too much to hold I didn’t leave and abandon you I was a year old.

Yet I paid with my mind, heart, little body and soul. When I found you at 18 you had an amazing life that’s for sure.. I didn’t fit in I was a burden you said it and walked away yet again.

Then 2019 came I hadn’t heard from you in such a long time I was honestly ecstatic maybe this was it my time to matter to you, sadly it was not instead your mother was dying and none of your children cared to support you. Carly a sister that isn’t a sister to me had you reach out and hand that burden to me.

Family means everything and I was so grateful until you all took advantage and tried to use me you have to understand how that confused me and still I paid for it all, just to spend time making memories it was worth it I thought.

Then my birthday or Christmas not even a card did I receive I finally broke down and why didn’t you care about me? Your response broke my heart and my mind my spirit started to break free.. After what you said to me.

It wouldn’t be fair to your sisters yours hers and another sisters, I was devastated this is a joke right this is the first chance to do something nice and try to make up for all you never cared to do. Yet you were my father why did her daughters get two yet I got none. That hurt little girl isn’t done and she will be heard.

Your cruel words help crash down my world I had a mental breakdown from this disease of insanity you all handed to me by not behaving like adults and handling your responsibilities.

Have a conversation like an adult you literally created this chaos by ignoring your responsibility now the issue came in when u suffered my entire childhood because youcouldnt do the right thing. Then you blame and shame me for my lack of success who are you to put that on me?

You laid in the bed and got my mother pregnant you chose to walk away and never help.
You didn’t care if I lived or died and still to this day you can’t be bothered to make the wrongs right.

Instead you’re so worried about maintaining the status you tried to secure yourself with a false image that you present.
I won’t live ignored hidden taking all the blame I will speak and be heard.
Men like you are the problem in this world.
I will do all I can to change this and use my pain as the example.

Know the difference and then do the right thing. Together we end cycles.

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

Vexation is being annoyed relaxation is releasing the annoyance.

We should all forever be in a state of relaxation and that begins with speaking up against the things that cause us to stay in the state of vexation.

If not we only allow a constant interruption of our relaxation by those we love because when love is true it is unconditional which also includes helping those we love as they navigate their journey.

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

✓ There is separation in family and humanity is clinging on by a thread, it is time we are taking back control and making appropriate changes. Now we are in an awkward place of unlearning, clearing, healing, understanding, opening, Integrating new information, opening to different perspectives and reclaiming all that was wrongfully taken and held back from us. However we aren’t doing it in hate or anger or even pain, we are doing it in love and through changed behaviors! It begins as we uplift one another and remind each other that we are all divine and hold the heart of Jesus and Mary within each of us! Once we find balance it all begins!
✓ Sometimes people need separation so that we may heal and learn a better way. This way we clear the road for whatever is meant for us and we allow the other the same, often we find when the love is real it finds it way back to us. However this time it is ready for a new beginning in new ways when it does return. It is time for you to focus on yourselves and your children as you heal independently so you may come back and heal the family together. Through the true heart of Jesus and Mary can we truly change the world. It begins within each of us this is the journey home.
✓ Open to the awesomeness around you!
✓ Tami Irizarry @DivineTemptations


I am that I am. I am the only me I can be, love is the only way for me.

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

I am in love, I am what I do.

I love in love, I’ve learned a better way. It’s more then what you say, but also how you say it. Love speaks through all that you do, it’s in the words you choose and the way that you move. It flows through you and others feel and see it too. Love is who I am, love is what I do. Love is free and love is true, understand the ways of love start with simply being you. You before the world told you who you should be, go back to your better days when you could just be free.

I believe in love, it’s been there for all the change. No matter the trauma or the pain love stood by my side while I felt lost and afraid. It wasn’t a love from another not always you’ll see. The deepest love I’ve ever known has come from within me.

I’ve consoled myself when I couldn’t take anymore. I woke myself up and pushed me towards the door. I’ve wiped my tears and rocked through my cries. I’ve stayed by my side through all the goodbyes. I am in love with myself it’s how I survive in this life.

I live in love for me it’s the only way.

I exist in love, I exist for change.

I laugh in love, my heart is free.

I know who I am, inside and out. I am free to love in the purest ways, without judgement without shame, never a worry, never blame.

I am never worried about who she wants me to be. I showed her everything the world said was bad about me. I was so scared god I remember. I cried like a baby so afraid of rejection. I showed her the hair on my chin and my neck, she kissed me so deeply, holding me as I cried.

She lifted me into her arms and kissed me a million times at least it felt like that anyway. She told me I was absolutely gorgeous and I could see it in her eyes. She meant every word she was saying.

I was almost embarrassed by my surprise, I tested her again I was still so afraid so I showed her all my scars would she still choose to stay? She is absolutely finitely in love with me. She doesn’t hide away from me all the ways she was told not to be. We embrace all the beautiful things that make us who we are.

I don’t have to speak for her. I speak for only me, I know it’s true in all she does it’s in the way she moves. in the way she treats me. Haven’t we been picked apart enough, love is a safe place in which we’ve built on trust.

I feel in love, with everything in me

I think in love, I open my mind. It’s not about me all of the time, I think about it all and I make sure I understand, I ask questions seeking clarity when I don’t understand. I trust in the communication we’ve built, I am free to ask without shame or guilt. We teach and learn from each other as we go, how can we learn if we’re so afraid to ask we pretend to know.

I know in love, I don’t own you, you are not mine.

I learn in love, change happens all the time. I am only me. I control my time. I share it with those who I choose. This is my life, these are my rules.

I evolve in love, I stand by you until you decline.

I grow in love, Boundaries set are safe and kind.

I morph in love, I adapt there is no blame it’s life.

I change in love, I simply exist to be. In an ever changing world, I grow rapidly.

I soar in love, I speak my will there is no confusion. We all know what to do.

I rise in love, I trust you with me. We speak in love it happens so easily.

I speak in love- I only mean what I say. There is no confusion or in between.

I scribe in love- to share the way. Love is the answer to changing the ways.

I see in love- Nothing else exists. I observe who you are and I understand why.

I perceive in love- I see everyone’s perspectives and can understand why.

I understand in love- It’s not my place to judge, I’m not perfect all of the time.

I will in love- All I desire to be. This begins in us all, for you as for me.

I desire in love- all that is for me. Love is peace. I hope you understand it would be a dream to me.

I dream in love- I breath life into motion. My dreams are messages of love from me, that I choose to share with a chosen few.

I color the world in love- I light the path for those who can see, so they may find the way. Only pure hearts can understand what I say.

I stand for what I love- All that is right and true. Right is right but only when right is right for everyone not just you.

I die when I cease to love- There is nothing left to feel. The pain is to intense, this life cannot be real. I look for an escape a way to make it through the day.

Can anybody see me am I even real?

I love so I fight for a better way. I want everyone to live a life they love so they don’t have to numb their life away. We don’t have to do it alone anymore, it’s safe to want to be free. Change happens rapidly we only need to realize, it begins with you and me.

I become in love when I fall in love with myself- The only way to heal yourself is to embrace and love all of yourself. The parts you hate that you’ve wished away. They are beautiful parts that you were taught to hate. I’m sorry others made you feel that way.

I know in love- This life gets tiring and we all need help, it’s too much for us to be expected to do it all by ourselves.

Help is out there if you should need. Do what you need to make it through another day, don’t give up change is on the way.

I am proud in love- I’m proud of you for being so strong so long.

If you’re seeing this it’s meant for you too!!! ♾🤍

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

Dear me,

I am so proud of you!!

What I’ve watched you go through, the heart break and suffering in silence, you’ve fought your way through it all!

You searched for a better way and kept your heart pure. You made your focus on true love and what is right for all. You kept unconditional love, understanding and concern in your heart and lived it at all times.

You never judged another you simply tried to understand the differences and respected everyone equally and their ways, understanding your way isn’t the only way and that is just fine.

I know you’re scared and tired. I know you feel like this pain will never end, I know in your heart and soul you can’t accept that to be the truth.

I’m so proud of you because it wasn’t for nothing and dreams do come true.

The pain is coming to an end it’s the Dawn of Anew way forward together!

New days are here. Those with pure hearts please lift your heads once and for all.

You’re divinely protected in the heart of infinite love.

I AM is here.

Hurt people hurt people and they sometimes do not know it.

/ divinetemptations1111 / Leave a comment

The truth is hurt people hurt people.

Have you ever wondered why?
Perhaps we should try and understand if we contributed to the hurt that these people are unleashing.

Understand this loves, If you personally hurt someone and it was intentionally or unintentionally they have the right to how they feel.

If you truly love them you will be willing to listen to understand without being defensive, If we can start living with understanding instead of judgement perhaps we can acknowledge that we are all suffering and trying to do the best we can.

If you didn’t have any hand in hurting them perhaps show a little grace and realize they may not know a better way exists.

Kindness matters to yourself and others.
It helps to heal hearts, then we can find who we truly are under all the pain we’ve endured. It’s time we do better together educate each other. Hold all as accountable as you hold yourself.
🕊🤍♾~ Tami Irizarry
We can change this world together!